Aaja Nachle : Show me your Halwa
Saturday Night. Live from HQ. Watching Aaja Nachle. Have no idea whether the DVD is original or pirated. So I stick it in the player. A FBI warning shows up.
You have no clue yet. Cause all pirated DVDs these days, come with a FBI warning – Illegal copying etc. etc. of this movie is prohibited and a penalty of $$$$$ is applicable etc. etc. I guess even the video piracy business is now legitimate in the US of A and has been given protection by the FBI.
Post FBI Warning scene.
A yellow cloud about 5 inches in width and 2 inches in height pops right up in the top center of the screen and makes itself comfortable there sitting throughout the length of the movie.
The DVD menu items show up.
Click Play.
To know what happened after play is equivalent to me asking writer Jaideep Sahni – “What in the world happened to you?”
The story idea is credited to Aditya Chopra. Now here is a guy I had mentioned two years ago, about having high hopes from – in terms of cine-business.
What one should ask is not why Aaja Nachle is such a… such a… such a… such a… FUCK IT IS SO BORING I DON’T EVEN HAVE THE RIGHT FUCKING WORD FOR IT!
Ok… lets begin again. After watching Aaja Nachle, the question one should have in their mind… the question which is quite logical to have popped up in your head… that question is not why Aaja Nachle is like this or why did anyone think of making Aaja Nachle or the immense talented job done by the FX guys in Aaja Nachle (FX? What FX you ask? more on that later)… no dear readers, the question that will be swimming round and round in your head is – What water is served inside the Yash Raj campus that makes even the most promising and talented writers like Jaideep Sahni, to come up with a script called Aaja Nachle.
Aaja Nachle last Saturday evening was watched by me in 16 parts.
16???
Yes 16. Sixteen. Sixteen. Solah… Pundhra khatam solah shuru… aye dhinchik dhinchik… pundhra khatam solah shuru… here’s what happened:
Movie starts. Because the pirated DVD is protected by the FBI, it plays with no hitch. Madhuri lip syncing a song. English song. The words of the stanza end two minutes before Madhuri’s lips open up to start lipping (is that a word?) the completed stanza on your speakers. Piracy zindabad. What awesome technology!
Meanwhile oz is making 16 cocktail samosas in his oven. The Maggi hot and sweet sauce is popped open while the DVD player is pooping the Madhuri delayed-lip-syncing-song.
Song over. oz back in room.
Phone call. Flight back to India. Sorry dear readers, only after seeing Madhuri sitting next to a thermacoal white wall that has an egg shape window, did I realize that… she is sitting in a plane. And they are talking about going to India. India? India. India? Yes India. So I’m guessing they are flying from New BackYard.
What the fuck is New BackYard?
It’s the 20 feet by 20 feet carpentry wizardry stagery created by Chundulal and Sons, somewhere in Film City or Filmistan.
Beep beep beep.
Samosas are almost done… I’ll be back.
Pause movie. We have a delicious round of cocktail samosas. By the way I never knew there was something called “cocktail” samosas.
Restart movie.
Some guy who looks like he has Hepatitis is on video. Giving a death speech.
I tell you. This is not good. This will start a trend. This is dangerous for India. Because now, everyone in India will start trying their level best to get hepatitis so they can get on video and give a speech. Whether that speech will be a death speech… I have no clue.
Anyways… the real frightening thing for me… the shock that sent me running out of the house into my backyard, and in darkness picking the first thing that came in my hand. I picked it and brought it close to my eyes to see what it was. It was a bottle opener. So I opened a few beer bottles and started drinking…
…and crying. Cause that frightening scene, that scene which sent me running out of the house, yes that scene, that bloody scene had become frightening because it was written by Jaideep… who I could envision punching that scene on his laptop in between a few glasses of water. Water, from the Yash Raj campus tanks. Ho Gaya Kalyan (Hinglish: Becoming Kalyan, a Mumbai suburb)
So I drank some more. No not the Yash Raj campus water. The beers.
Movie is still on. I go back into the house.
I hear noises. It’s coming from my television. There is some talk going on about an art center called Ajanta. But no one is posing or dancing nude there!!! One look at the actresses on screen, and it is better that way. There seems to be some woman called Shamli who wants to dance or not dance, but whatever the reasons there seems to be these two groups of politicians who want to take this lady called Shamli and build a shopping mall on her. Jesus Christ!!! And I thought I was kinky!
Then there is this character played by Madhuri (Dixit-Nene), who’s hated by everyone (in the movie), but still… everyone keeps listening to her. Perhaps it’s her clothes. Perhaps they wanna learn from her how to patao (Hinglish: potatoes sliced into half) Americans… that American story happened while me cooking Desi samosas in an American kitchen in a Chinese oven. Now that is International Integration for you.
So, people want Madhuri to teach them pickup. Madhuri it seems is a lesbian in love with Shamli. All throughout the movie we never get to see Shamli, cause my best guess into uncovering the deeper meanings of the movie is that Shamli is a Kaamwali (Hinglish: Saleswoman of Kamasutra books) who works 24/7 and does not have time to do anything else…. which is sad, cause it gives the director an excuse not to show a lesbian scene which would have so certainly made this movie a superhit and no one.. and I say no one would have raised an issue over mochi, chamar, sonar, lohar, honhaar… and whatever haar we have in our Hindi shrinking vocabulary.
Of course that would now mean some lawyer in Kanpur who doesn’t get any from his wife or from his neighbor’s wife is going to do suing, knitting etc. against Yash Raj because of that lesbian scene.
Mercifully the lesbian scene didn’t happen. Suing prevented. Knitting ditched. Life of lawyer continues as usual. But unfortunately because of that…
…we were stuck with the mysterious controversies of mochi, chamar, sonar, lohar, honhaar. Take your chappal and beat your head baar baar. Then go to some Preetam bar. Drown your sorrows in pegs char.
Ok so we are at this Madhuri portion of the story. Madhuri, who wants a lesbian relationship with Shamli and the two group of politicians who want to build / not build / (fill in the blanks) over Shamli’s head, ass wherever… As long as it’s not me I have no problems.
Then this guy who looked promising in Rang De Basanti enters the scene, followed by this actress, followed by someone called Ranveer Shorey, Vinay Pathak, Jugal Hansraj and the usual suspects who appear in every third movie that is made in Bombay or Bihar.
They all decide to do this massive orgy of sorts on/inside/under Ajanta.
What Ajanta?
Forgot what the hell is this Ajanta. Not sure, because I was on my seventh beer, 24th samosa and about half a bottle of Maggie hot and sweet sauce. The sauce by this time is inside my stomach and has started to cause some weird sort of bubbling sound. That bubbling sound grows fainter and fainter.
Fainter cause that bubbling sound is moving away from my ears. Dipping lower and lower. From the stomach into the intestines and moving at a very slow relaxing pace… lower and lower… singing on it’s way… “Panchi banoo, udti phiroo, mast gagan mein… aaj naya chand duniya ki gagan mein… Hillloooo reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee”
So anyways, amidst this whole bubbling emergency, samosas, beer, Maggie hot and sweet sauce etc. etc. the orgy takes place. Where everyone is screaming, crying, beating, crying, saying something tragic, crying, crying, crying… all this in an orgy. The only time I cried during sex was when my ex told me that she thought she was pregnant. I cried cause I got shit scared (small tiny detail: my ex was a Don’s wife. more on that some day)… I guess, now all the men on stage are crying during the orgy because all the women on stage are pregnant. And all the women on stage are crying, because none of the men on stage are the fathers of the respective future children. And all the audience watching the Ajanta orgy is crying because, the director asked them to.
And I’m crying cause the bubbling inside my stomach has reached massive proportions.
[Unimportant: Moral of the story. Always wear a condom for sex and mix water with your Maggie hot and sweet sauce before consuming it. Please do listen carefully to all I've mentioned so far. I don't want angry emails coming from my dear readers that they used Maggie hot and sweet sauce for sex and later poured the Maggie sauce in a condom before consuming it. The results of this mix up, to put it mildly, will not be too good for you.]
So the orgy ends. Madhuri suddenly forgets all about her desired lesbian relationship she wants to have with Shamli. Shamli never shows up. Some bald guy by the name of Akshyae Khanna keeps doing some weird lop sided smiles as if they have been imported from the roller coaster rides of Knott’s Berry Farms during his Dil Chahta Hai days. Mercifully Khanna is not carrying a coconut tree on his head in this Shamli gone Kamli story.
Something something happens, and then I see Khanna in New BackYard, smiling with Madhuri with two cups of – seems to be coffee – but it is spiked. He is going to get her drugged and take her back for another orgy… this time at Ellora where there’s this lesbian called Dhoom-lee, a sister of the late Bruce Lee, who wants to make the biggest Halwa in India or something of that sort…
Any way, I didn’t get to see those Dhoom-lee scenes cause I had downloaded Quicken, a finance software in which I began calculating my total loses because of watching such movies. Suffice to say I am in a state of financial ruin.
F Minus. Take your vibrator or your blow up doll and pleasure yourself rather than have this stale halwa.
Anurag Kashyap
Abhay Deol
Dibakar Banerjee
Hansal Mehta
Khalid Mohamed
Kundan Shah
Anish Kuruvilla
Jaideep Verma
Manish Gupta
Navdeep Singh
Bhavani Iyer
D. Santosh
Onir
Ashvin Kumar
Ramu Ramanathan
Sudhir Mishra
Pankaj Advani
Revathy
Saurabh Shukla
Shilpa Shukla
Sujoy Ghosh
Suparn Verma
Santosh Sivan
Shashank Ghosh
Shivajee
Pavan Kaul
Partho Sen-Gupta
Prroshant Naryannan
Sam Langoria
Satish Kasetty
Thanks OZ,
I won’t see Aja Nachle now, but I will read your review again …damn funny
>-
Was not expecting much from Madhuri’s comeback, thanks for saving my time…
God bless, Jwinda Reh, Ayusmaan Bhava :d
Some guy who looks like he has Hepatitis is on video.
=)) =)) =))
note to self: stop reading PFC at work if you wanna continue to be employed.
That was f@#$in hilarious…
Hilarious Oz, just read it in DT and coming back to PFC again, here it’s…..what happened to exclusivity:-?:)
=))=))=))=))=))=))=))=))=))
need more on the Don’s wife………..!
hi
oz, first I wanna thank you for really funny mail, I loved it but unfortunately I donot agree with you that jaideep sahani has disappointed. first the points I support you:
1.aaja nachle is really a halwa served by yashraj but let me remember you the fact that halwa has been most traditional sweet of india irrespective of cultural differences. it is better cooked by jaideep sahani than the star chef are cooking i.e. farah khan, david dhavan,subhash ghai,vipul shah, priya darshan, karan johar etc.
2.you think I compare jaideep sahani( who prepares only receipe) with the cook, let me correct if I m wrong in your mail you nowhere mentioned that it is cooked by anil mehta you know why because chak de india is not sharukh’ film, neither shimit amin’s and nor yash raj’s one. in fact I don’t remember who is director of khosla ka ghosla but know one thing that is jaideep’s.
3. you know aaja nachle could have been made much better. it is very similar plot that we see in chak de india. it moves forward giving very predictable twist. the characterization could have been much better. jaideep did not show courage to give an opportunity to the characters to display their unlikeable qualities. he was in hurry to prove that people are basically good.BUT he did not let me go leaving the theatre in the middle, thanks to the other writer who understand the value of audience’s time and donot stop them to sit and waste in the chair.
4. he(writer) is the man after salim javed who…….[ but I salute anurag(writer and director), vishal(writer and diretor) too].
5. back to film it kept me involved from the beginning to the end inspite the fact that I m not a mdhuri’ fan. and in a way some people say( fo course, not me)” PAR IS MEIN HERO TO HAI HI NAHI”.
6. it is a writer called jaideep sahani who has broken the style of the most powerful camp( in a few sense) of the country. the camp where stars are eager to get work at any cost.
7. it is jaideep sahani today who writes comedy in realistic way and set in a small village or town but definetely in india.( not forgetting jaane bhi do yaroo and amol and farukh sekh).
8. one last thing go and watch it on screen may be you have better expirence.
by the way I am leaving, I feeling hungry I need to eat some samosa.
thanks
Jaideep Sahni’s days seems to be over coz Bollywood has now found oz, a great replacement for him.
Oz.. much as I like ur posts.. this surely is the worst I have read from you!
I dont consider AN to be great or anything. But surely, the objectivity you show on so many other posts.. baah.. totally missing here!
Yeah..Oz..you have your reasons to get drunk..but y’see we actually do not have too many flag bearers of Hindi cinema/ Indian cinema now other than the likes of Jaideep.
BTW wasn’t Maggi different..and had to be bought and devoured only in India???
How did it reach Orange County..for God sakes??
@no.2, I share the same sentiments, but I’ll have to stop reading PFC at work coz I kept laughing looking at the PC so colleagues thought I had finally gone crazy! Just forwarded this link to another colleague so he can see what the fuss is about. Lets just hope he can understand this piece coz he is not intelligent like us on PFC (straight face)
@OZ
good that ur a pfc author
otherwise PFC Ronin would have already got its winner
and im assuming that the DON didnt came to knw abt his wie’s chakkar with u …coz ur still alive..
too hilarious ..too good oz …=))=))=))
- if this film was released in small place like Shamli on same day when it was released in multiplexes in metro cities? Or cinema covering “Heritage bachao andolan” at small place did not get any chance to have a face to face meeting with audience residing in that small place?
- Is not Ajanta Arts – name of banner of Sunil Dutt. Then this film should have Sanjay Dutt, he should save heritage of Ajanta Arts.
Well I liked the halwa dished out by anil mehta. I dont see all the various halwa’s produced by bollywood. I went ahead and do a dekho of this movie becoz of madhuri. And she didnt disappoint, despite a no lesbian scene with shamli(who cares a damn about shamli). It was any day better than Bhool Bhulaiya and wat not movies being dished out and becoming hits in india.
Poor Ranveer Shauri, first Mother Dia (Madhuri) leaves him and later dia and her daughter both leaves him inspite of watching all his devotion etc, even daughter starts canvassing in favour of new lover in life of Dia, the MP- ex king of Shamli.
Very hard work has been devoted on story and screen play.;)
This is heartening to know that fantastic actors like Raghuvir Yadav devotes so much of their energy in such a film also where camera tries to do with Ms Nene what it did with Ms Stone in BS2.:-?
Ah ! Finally a spicy article in PFC. And full points to the humor therein.
But seriously Oz, is this about Aaja Nachle, or about Maggie or about your beer drinking .. or about Jaideep Sahni .. ? I am confused, man.
This reads more like your personal blog than an article that says “anything” substantial about Aaja Nachle or Jaideep Sahni or the water he drinks.
As I said, I am confused.
Oz, that was some multitasking you indulged in:-?
From Beers to samosas to reviewing AJN to reminiscing about sex with your ex:d
I hope this is a shift to more humourous posts on PFC,we need it,we need it:)>-
Oz… you killed it man! Marvelously funny writing!
:o=))=))8-}
-No.1, Thanks for the blessings
history repeats itself ;)
-WB,
-Anand G, thanks
-Marurama, it still is
-Kavita, someday soon! will also tell you about Dhoom-lee’s American cousin Teri Lee
-Vicky Sharma, yes… Jaideep is the man and we’ll be seeing many better stories from him.
-Indraneel, yep Jaideep is the man. Wait till you hear what all we get at desi stores in the USA… beginning with Parle Glucose Biscuits…
-Gajendra, Jaideep is irreplaceable. He’s proved himself. Me no writer.
-Amit, There’s always a next time.
-Aastha, thanks for spreading the silliness around
-Samrat, PFCRonin will be open for everyone, even pfc authors, though I won’t be able to take part in it, cause I’ll be busy managing the event with the volunteers. We are trying to get a Non PFC jury for PFCRonin, so PFC authors too can participate.
-Anand Kadam, thanks!
-RK, You mean a lot of FX was used to even out the wrinkles etc just as they did for Ms. Stone in BS2?
-Hemant Singh, yes. quite a few have also liked it.
-turtle, the whole objective of this post was to confuse. mission accomplished.
-Arun Prakash, you forgot to mention the blowup doll in the multitask list ;)
@Oz
What are your criteria for selecing non-PFC jury members ?
@Oz, not wrinkles, Ms Nene looks though very different in different frames but camera tries to capture her newlely slimmed body and its stupid manner. Whatever thin level she attains she cant compete with 20-30 year old girls and she has pathetic waistline when shown from behind in closeups.
AN does exactly same with Madhuri what BS2 did with Sharon Stone. Both tried to look younger and beautiful but camera did exactly opposite. Was it needed for Madhuri?
=)) wah! maza aa gaya! Hinglish translations were hilarious.
Now I am thinking I should break my ‘Say no to YRF’ resolution and watch aaja nachle :P at least to have a look at the Hepatitis guy.
P.S. : the lyrics of ‘panchhi banoo udti phiroon…’ is not correct.
:d:d:d=))=)) Hilarious…but, what are cocktail samosas?
Oz…I wish Santa uncle tujhe den gift bhare moje!!!
Read it again today…and fell off from sofa…can’t stop laughing man…
Hilarious lines among many others:
————————————————
16???…Yes 16. Sixteen. Sixteen. Solah
This place is getting me through exams. thanks Oz, thanks PFC
Neeraja:
” panchi banoo uDthi firoon mast gagan main
aaj main azaad hoon duniya kay chaman main.
-hillo ray hilo ray hilo hilo…….ray ”
ab jaa kay kuch paD bhi lo,want to be in France forever? :d
arey no worries if i flunk i get to go back to india:)! :D
This is a very bad write.period.
I am not sure if, what the writer here wants to bring home.Substandard humour, pointless writing.
This is bad, tasteless writing.
Please get your article proof read by someone before posting.
As for the movie I enjoyed it.
This is fcking funny! but dont think you shud’ve posted it……