“Aliens Are Deserting Us” * “Pardesi, Pardesi Jaana Nahin”
Considered by many as the foremost authority on mass media and its impact on aliens, Jan Bakuldas Kolesnikov Shukla, has spent the last year analyzing the trends in Indian media. His latest paper “Calvin Was Right: The Surest Sign That Intelligent Life Exists Outside Earth Is That They Have Not Tried To Contact Us” (published by the International Academy of Space Psychology) has raised important questions about the contribution of Indian media in hurting aliens. Jan B.K. Shukla (as he likes to be called) has been instrumental in setting up the NGO ‘Inter-galactic Conference on Alien Rights’ whose theme song, “Hum Sa Ka Bhool Hui, Ki Yeh Sazaa Humko Mili”, has received critical acclaim. Jan B.K. Shukla has a Ph. D in Space Psychology (Stanford), another Ph. D in ‘Economics of Watching TV’ (Columbia) and holds the McLuhan Chair at the Medium Is The Message University. He spends his time between Earth and Space. PFC caught up with him recently when he was in Bangalore.
PFC: You have spoke about how almost single-handedly Indian cinema and mass media have jeopardized humanity’s chances of alien contact. Would you be able to trace this phenomenon for us?
Jan B.K. Shukla: Indian cinema has been a huge support to our mission of contacting aliens during the 70s and 80s though they were sporadic efforts. You must bear in mind that aliens liked what they saw of Hindi cinema in 70s and 80s. There is, of course, the most celebrated alien film ‘Clerk’ which almost had aliens making an Earth landing to meet Manoj Kumar in person. But, the rampant globalization and right-wing fundamentalism of the 90s turned this topography around completely. Aliens hate self-referential material and subscribe closely to Descartesian dualistic belief which is why they hated Hollywood. I would say the first body blow from Indian cinema and mass media came in form of Rakesh Roshan’s ‘Koi.. Mil Gaya’. They were terrified by the ‘Om Om Om’ reverberations that Roshan Sr. (a scientist) played on his computer. The next milestone, which was widely reported in Indian media, was Hiemsh Reshamiyya’s ‘Ek Baar Aaja Aaja Aaja’ which spooked paranormal and alien beings. The last year has been particularly bad for them especially what they see in Indian television.
PFC: What is their problem with our television?
Jan B.K. Shukla: In lay person’s terms, the problem is that most programs on Indian Television these days seem like they have been made for aliens. As I have mentioned earlier, aliens hate self-reference. They are objective beings and strongly believe in the metaphysical construct that self-reference is plainly subjective.
PFC: Can you elaborate on this with examples?
Jan B.K. Shukla: Unfortunately, examples abound. They watched Mahabharata in the mid-80s on DD and the flying arrows meeting mid-air, brooding intensely into each others eyes and then one arrow doing the disappearing act became their favorite sport. So, they have been shell-shocked by the new Mahabharata with Draupadi’s tattoos, bald Shakuni et al. This is their equivalent of Nietzsche’s ‘God is Dead’ pronouncement. They just can’t live off ‘perspectivism’.
PFC: You also mention the lack of belief in ‘avatars’ or reinterpretation. So, do our mythological serials tend to aggravate the situation?
Jan B.K. Shukla: Actually not. It is the regular serials which display the worse form of this phenomenon. The most common example is what I call “Saas-Bahu in Alternate Environment”. In this, the soap starts off with promos which make the aliens believe that it’s about Air Force Officers, Doctors or Mortgage Resellers. The first few episodes show these characters playing out these roles primarily by donning the right clothes (Star-studded uniforms for Air Force officers, Aprons for Doctors and being naked for Mortgage Resellers). However, to the aliens’ dismay, from episode 5 the story turns into a Saas-Bahu saga. This is what I call “Saas-Bahu in Alternate Environment”. This, for aliens, is ‘Avatar-ism’ – the constant reincarnation of Saas-Bahu. The final nail in the coffin is the soap called ‘Balika Badhu’ where the story has been rehashed as ‘grand-saas’ vs ‘child bride’ (no more than 10 years old). This Meta Saas (Saas’ Saas) construct has caused irreparable damage to the alien community.
Also, please remember, Aliens have monocular vision. So those rapid swishing camera shots at strange angles do place a lot of burden on them.
PFC: What about reality shows? Aren’t they closest to good ‘fiction’?
Jan B.K. Shukla: Reality TV is too close for aliens comfort. Most of them showcase people who behave like aliens and seem to have been conceived by aliens. The action is these shows also seem quite alien. In fact, aliens went around looking for hidden cameras because it almost appeared they were looking at their own lives.
PFC: Is there any way we can win the aliens back? Your paper stops short of suggesting solutions?
Jan B.K. Shukla: There are solutions but most of them involve arson, nihilism and mass extermination. These can’t be discussed in scientific journals or newspapers.
PFC: How do you think India appears to these aliens from outer space?
Jan B.K. Shukla: I have often asked them this question. But for some reason they have this DD clip of Rakesh Sharma being asked this question by Indira Gandhi entrenched in their heads and they respond in the same way.
PFC: Any message for Indian mass media?
Jan B.K. Shukla: Stop alienating your audience.
Tags: Aliens, Pardesi Jaana Nahin
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“There are solutions but most of them involve arson, nihilism and mass extermination. These can’t be discussed in scientific journals or newspapers…”
LOL…that’s just priceless…
Superb stuff. This is Wit.
“Stop alienating your audience.”
You said it boss.
They watched Mahabharata in the mid-80s on DD and the flying arrows meeting mid-air, brooding intensely into each others eyes and then one arrow doing the disappearing act
I think Shuklaji meant Ramayan.
Naya India has no place for these whining Aliens and their beard-scratching sympathizers. Moaning about “right-wing fundamentalism of the 90s”…didn’t we beam up signals of Alif Laila in the same ’90s. Guess at that time these aliens too were busy watching Hip Hip Hurray and Tara. Crying about reality tv! They did start fiddling with their antennas to get a better reception when they heard that Karan Thapar was questioning Indian Prime Minister Chandra Shekhar about his hairstyle. They were an Eyewitness to all this. They were equally ears and antennas when death of Divya Bharati became a blockbuster. They were lap dancing to Shabir Kumar numbers. They happily read miles of ink about Monkey Man and Muhnochwa.
And now they moan ‘where have all the signals gone!’
subrat
you are the funniest.
film, filosofy and faltoo fundas
f—–g good.
k
paul aster.finally.
damn witty post.u said it all.
Hilarious as expected…
as always great writeup…maza aa gaya
Brilliant!!!..
Respected Sir,
At the outset,I would like to prostrate myself at your feet. Then, I would like to suggest that Subratian Philosophy should be given its pride of place in the annals of home grown social research. The country really requires your perspective to trudge through these troubled times. “Tum Nazar meeiiinn….Tum zigar meeiiinnn…..”..Outstanding!!
sheer wit! what a read ! brilliant!!
mail it to the Indian News CHannels…they will surely hound you (the exclusive PR ) for an ‘exclusive’ rendezvous with Jan Bakuldas Kolesnikov Shukla ……ekdum JAN-LEVA !
love the juicy update from http://www.techieminds.org/?p=532 @11 even more….“kya aliens ke liye bhi gaay unki maata hai(do aliens also worship cows as their mother?)?”
did they have a sms campaign as well?