Blue: Amusing Blue Job
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It's not a Blue film, it's a comedy
The expectation
A well promoted Diwali release. Big Stars like Akshay Kumar and Sunjay Dutt. Eye candies Katrina Kaif and Lara Dutta. Bahamas and bikinis in abundance. Kylie Minogue. Music by Rehman. Produce of Sri Asthivinayak Cine Vision that had earlier produced films like Bhagam Bhag, Jab We Met, Golmaal returns, Kidnap and Luck. Honestly, I expected something like Dhoom-2 or Race- a stylized thriller with some twists and sex.
The least I expected it to be is a comedy-circus combo !
Blue would definitely compete hard for the title of ‘the most hilarious thriller of the decade which is a superior unintentional comedy’, with another gem called Cash. It’s a pity Blue took Rs 120 Crores in Bahamas to make while Cash- a meager Rs 38 crores in Cape Town ! Another classic I can compare this with is Red. Clearly there’s some problem with primary colours.
The Plot
(Spoilers slightly discharged from this celluloid sludge)
A guy named Sam (Zayed Khan) is a self proclaimed champion biker in Bangkok. A miniskirt bimbo named Nikki (Katrina Kaif- with stud below her lower lip, glued with fevikwik) enrolls him in one of the street races. Sam wins the race and Nikki makes herself available as aloo tikki, for dinner. Sam declares his 12 hr old eternal love. She moans and vows to trust him. On her reference Gulshan (Rahul Dev), the loser of the race gives an important assignment to Sam- to deliver a Mac Guffin (a bag in this case). He zooms across thick city traffic, gets chased by the cops, loses the bag and ends up in a soup. Gulshan demands a huge compensation. Cops want him too. In short, he is Bangkok’s most wanted man. He gets further depressed when Nikki advises him to leave and save his life. Sam remembers his brother Sagar (Sunjay Dutt) in the Bahamas.
The story comes to Bahamas. Sagar is a giant pot bellied sad looking bloke who is befriended by a rich man called Arav (Akshay Kumar). Arav is a hedonist who spends his time in threesomes, while Sagar romances his girl Mona (Lara Dutta). Intermittently, they showcases their newly acquired scuba diving skills. In between, Arav wants Sagar to guide him to find a treasure which is contained in a sunken ship called ‘Lady in Blue’, which the Britishers were returning to India. Sagar is grossly disinterested in the treasure hunt. At this juncture Sam lands in Bahamas. Gulahsan follows. Bikes chase above trains and in rail tracks. Cars explode. Stuntmen do a water-scooter show with A R Rehman’s music. Mona is kidnapped (or ladynapped) after a fierce gun battle. Villas explode. Sagar confesses the truth behind his father’s death and discovery of the ship. On continuous persuasion by Arav and Sam, Sagar finally succumbs to the situation and the three gathers on Arav’s yacht to retrieve the underwater treasure.
What happens then?
The blue job goes wrong sucking the brains out of the thriller, but creates a comic entertainer.
Entertainment- Out of the Blue
The dialogues: in a good subtle comedy, it’s the dialogue that makes intelligent audience laugh. Else it becomes a Priyadarshan type slapstick madcap one, meant for low IQ masses. Each and every dialogue of Blue is a masterpiece on its own.
Sample these-
Nikki: Hum ko mile 12 ghante bhi nahin hue aur tum humure future ke bare me soch rahe ho ?
Sam: Main to peechle bara ghante se hi humure future ke bare me soch raha hoon ! Aur tum ?
Nikki: Sabkuchh batane ki zaroorat nahin hota *lips tremble*
Sam: *grins* (but gets a boner, secretly)
Sam: Bag mein kya hai ?
Gulshan: Mauka. Utha sako to utha lo. (Now that’s called raw machismo)
Sam : Ek bag ke liye 50 million dollars kuchh zyada nahin hai ?
Gulshan: Bag mera tha to kimat bhi main tyar karunga ! (Lesson in Valuation)
Mona: Mera sapna hai ek oceanography institute, marine life ko protect karne ke liye.
Sagar: Is janam me wo sapna hi rahega. Main machhli pakadta rahunga, tum pakate rehna…. (har har har)
Sagar: Koi aadmi sirf tab andhere mein baithta hai, jab wo isqh mein hota hai ya phir pareshan ho.
Sam: Who ek aur karan bhi andhere mein baithta haijab roshni chala jaye. (makes perfect logocal sense but also makes me laugh out loud)
Arav: I always have two of everything heh heh heh.
Mona: That’s Arav for you, he has two of everything! (makes me ROFL)
Then, there were lot of interrogative dialogues using the word ‘Sawal’ which teaches a sure shot way to compose the sharpest comeback lines. I am sure this can be effectively used in office and homes. Allow me to exemplify-
Boss: Maine jo kam bola tha wo tumne kiya ?
Me: Sawal ye nahin hai ki kam maine kiya ki nahin. Sawal ye hai kam hua ki nahin.
Then at home,
Wife: Tumko aadha kilo kanda lane ke liye bola tha, laya ?
Me: Sawal ye nahin hai ki main kanda laya ki nahin, sawal ye hai ki tumko kanda nahin mili to kya honewala hai.
Characters
Akshay Kumar (nicknamed Sarkar) is simply hilarious. His dialogues, attitude, goatie, underwater antics- all makes him the head clown of this once in a blue moon venture. He makes fun of Kylie Minogue in an elite nightclub and wriggles chiggy-wiggy in a song where the cameraman tried hard, but the editor worked harder to prevent Kylie showing her undies. Let’s hope there would be uncut special features in the DVD release.
However, the cameraman successfully captures every inch of underwater Lara Dutta, except her face. Gharki murgi dal barabar.
Sanjay Dutt (nicknamed Sethji) features in one of the worst shot gunfight in the history of Hindi cinema ever. After one hundred rounds, he kills only one villain at the cost of his villa. His efficiency was better is Shootout at Lokhandwala. Though, he shouldn’t have tried so much to be emotional and romantic on screen. His efforts made him look arthritic and constipated, respectively. Also next time he should get a larger lady opposite him, may be Amrita Singh or Raveena Tandon instead of Lara Dutta. Atleast Nagma or Shilpa Shirodkar, please ?
Both, Zayed Khan and Rahul Dev to the movie were what suspenders are to a strip-dancer. They were taut, good looking and were abandoned, once the song and dance was over.
Anthony D’souza is the land Director. Clearly, the the underwater director did’nt know they were directing the same movie.
Shortcomings
Like the scars in the blue moon, thorns in the Hilsha fish, like the nada knot in the pajama, Blue too has its own share of setbacks.
Why Katrina Kaif was so dry and dressed all along? Why was she not there in Bahamas? She should have also given a chance to go underwater. There, atleast she could have kept her mouth shut and we could enjoy the better parts of her. She was shared by Akshay and Zayed, which means the movie could have easily afforded one more bimbo. Like Prachi Desai or Zia Khan.
If Akshay Kumar is grandson of Kabir Bedi, why there was no mention of his dad? Gulshan Grover or Shakti Kapoor could have suited the role well.
The skeleton of Sagar’s dad, exactly in the same waving position at the time of his underwater death, was a very well thought out detail. However, showing the oxygen cylinders still tied to his rib cage, wristwatch and goggles, could have made it more dramatic for us viewers.
Why were the sharks just swimming around and not eating people? Were they vegan ?
I have learnt that it took the cast 15 days to master the underwater air-ring released from mouth. I am sure if they farted instead, it would have been much easier to get the desired result.
Helicopters, submarines, hot air balloons, elephants and rocket launchers should have been added in the actions. Especially when the bikes were riding the train, a hot air balloon with an elephant on it would have added stunning visual effect.
Aftermath
I wanted to see ‘The Deep’ again, to get out of my blues.
Anurag Kashyap
Abhay Deol
Dibakar Banerjee
Hansal Mehta
Khalid Mohamed
Kundan Shah
Anish Kuruvilla
Jaideep Verma
Manish Gupta
Navdeep Singh
Bhavani Iyer
D. Santosh
Onir
Ashvin Kumar
Ramu Ramanathan
Sudhir Mishra
Pankaj Advani
Revathy
Saurabh Shukla
Shilpa Shukla
Sujoy Ghosh
Suparn Verma
Santosh Sivan
Shashank Ghosh
Shivajee
Pavan Kaul
Partho Sen-Gupta
Prroshant Naryannan
Sam Langoria
Satish Kasetty
Outrageously funny review… Ha Ha….hooooo..
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Ha ha ha….hoo hoooo….
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Hilarious review.
Btw, u seem to have an obsession with farts!
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Which self-respecting male does not?
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Dude, Your review was more interesting, thrilling than the movie. I read it twice
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One of the BEST reviews of any movie I’ve read!!! Quotes of the month:
“Both, Zayed Khan and Rahul Dev to the movie were what suspenders are to a strip-dancer. They were taut, good looking and were abandoned, once the song and dance was over.
Anthony D’souza is the land Director. Clearly, the the underwater director did’nt know they were directing the same movie.”
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rollin on da floor laughin so hard that i cried…
bro uh, u r gettin better at ur game, by each passing review… now dis was a ‘diwali dhamaka atom bomb’ of a crack-jack read. my day is made. am glad i decided to wach a blue film instead of this half-assed blue job. long live paagalpanti. my respects 
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Dear Uh! This is the first time that I am commenting on anyone else’s post other than my dearest pal Magik’s. And let me tell you that your review ‘blue’ my brains out…i had chosen not to see the movie out of sheer fear that my ticket money will fund such movies in future too. But I was darn keen to know that i did the right job..Thanks for making it so easy for a discreet viewer…Reading your review was a joy in itself. Hil-effing-larious!! Have read a couple of your earlier reviews too and without doubt you are getting better with each passing pissing off movie!! long live nasty reviews..long life bluedy scripts that give us such fodder to tickle my funny bone(r)! Cheers mate!
Thanks Magik for sharing this!
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hehe….gr8 review…
…i guess this completes THE AKSHAY KUMAR TORTURE TRILOGY – CC2C, KI and BLOO. No more please
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Wait for De Dhana Dhan
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Hilarious review boss! I missed your callout posters though :-( This was awesome “Gulshan: Bag mera tha to kimat bhi main tyar karunga ! (Lesson in Valuation)” But uh, I didnt like the way you have talked about women in your post. Its funny but in bad taste. Particularly this: “Why Katrina Kaif was so dry and dressed all along? Why was she not there in Bahamas? She should have also given a chance to go underwater. There, at least she could have kept her mouth shut and we could enjoy the better parts of her.”
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Oh come on! We are so obsessed with being politically correct when it comes to talking about women, all the fun is being missed! At least he does not degrade women as much as those girls choose to be degraded doing stupid roles!
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really cool review. one of the best definitely in BLUE context. total trash…. i think Akshay should do KKK and avoid movies. he has lost his sheen
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Amazing and most hilarous review of the recent time… but boss the prob with primary colors is only with apna bollywood.. i feel shame the this BLUE share the same name with one of my fav film .. the french triology RED-BLUE-WHITE
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Hilarious review boss! You outdo yourself every time. I missed your callout posters though :-( The valuation bit was hilarious. And I found your udtha haathi reference interesting “Helicopters, submarines, hot air balloons, elephants and rocket launchers should have been added in the actions. Especially when the bikes were riding the train, a hot air balloon with an elephant on it would have added stunning visual effect.”
Waise, I didnt like the way you’ve written about women in your post. It was funny but in bad taste IMHO. Particularly this: “Why Katrina Kaif was so dry and dressed all along? Why was she not there in Bahamas? She should have also given a chance to go underwater. There, atleast she could have kept her mouth shut and we could enjoy the better parts of her. She was shared by Akshay and Zayed, which means the movie could have easily afforded one more bimbo. Like Prachi Desai or Zia Khan.”
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Sorry the first time I replied to your comment, I didn’t see the bimbo part.
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Sorry the first time I wrote the comment it didnt show up. Not even in the queue. So retyped it. Now I cant delete it :-(
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fuck, this is hilarious…
loved every bit of the review
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“Like Prachi Desai or Zia Khan.”
Now come on both of them did a far better job in Rock On and Nishabd, than Ms. Kaif has done so far in her career.
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“Why were the sharks just swimming around and not eating people? Were they vegan ?”
Same question, first time i heard of sharks, not getting attracted by blood. Spielberg won’t like this, after all he shot an entire movie about it.
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“Arav is a hedonist who spends his time in threesomes, while Sagar romances his girl Mona (Lara Dutta)”.
Lara Dutta is more than equivalent to the 2 babes in the bath tub, Har, har, Jai Ho.
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BTW i am planning to send my 4 year old daughter as dialog writer for the sequel( yeah its true they are planning a sequel). She sure can write much better dialogues.
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Good one boss…mean stuuf man…hahha
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Just wanted to share all the scenes that were ripped off….
1) The sanjay dutt gunfight – direct copy from Bad Boys II (will smith)
2) the boxing match – from broken arrow even the “taken from your wallet dialogue was lifted).
3) the akshay-zyed bike racing scene in front of the train – directly copied from Torque.
Am sure that there are more….but.. was too sleepy during the movie to notice..120 crores mein copy karney ki akal bhi nahin aayi….
Amaaaazzing articlem Bro… hats off to you… better than the actual film….keep them coming…
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And the entire plot from Into the Blue.
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Zayed’s entry+ bike race is also lifted from torque & the entire Fast & furious franchise…
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Akshay Kumar calling away Kylie Minogue from the bar before the Chugal Wugal song – straight out of, line by pick-up-line ‘Hitch’. Come to think of it, even the goatee was Big Willie Style..
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Good one man. You reserve your best for the worst movies
Also your writing style keeps changing always..which is an amazing gift..no two reviews of yours is comparable
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If Producer could earn from the reviews of his movie, Ashtvinayak would have recovered their 120 Crores by now.
People are more interested in reading review than watching Blue.
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WOW..don’t we love poorly made movie..like Sharks..who just smelt..some blood..havn’t seen it but seems like it’s gonna get cult status..like..LOHA..etc..
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ha ha ha…..amazing review.
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wow man..wat a fun review!! loved every bit of it!! keep them coming..n seriously wats happened to akshay kumar?? i think his brain has gone 4 a big toss!!
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u rock man, super hilarious review!
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Loved the review!!!! I’ll definitely adopt the “sawaal strategy ” on the home and university fronts. The wonderful things one can learn from watching an action-thriller.
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Can anybody please clarify why the hell Sanjay dutt wear black sun glasses before gun fight at his home with Rahul dev and his gun masters…what was the stretagy behind this…
… Blue is a crap film and I am not able to figure where the hell 100 crore were used in the film…I think this too was a publicity stunt…Sanju Baba’s one of the worst performance..and Akshay kumar what to say about this Khiladi..he should wake up now…
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Hilarious !! Keep em coming…
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There’s a glaring glitch. The treasure lies in Bahamas, and the route chosen was Britain to India. Bahamas does not feature in the route at all.
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Too good review…now I really wanna watch this movie
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Meh! People really like to watch trash movies and then come on PFC and other forums bickering about it. It’s really fun, isn’t it? Much more than watching good movies instead.
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Fantastic review!
I found it better than mice!
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Thanks to each and everyone for reading the commenting on the post. I wish I could individually reply to everyone’s comment like before. Unfortunately, I am trapped in circumstances where i couldn’t :(
I read the comments through the email notification I receive, so
in case of any question or queries posted by any commenters I have to reply to them on their email ID’s.
That’s the best I can do right now.
Before I leave, this is song I am singing now –
Toota toota ek haathi aise toota
Ke phir jud naa paaya
Loota loota kisne usko aise loota
Ke phir ud naa paaya
Girta hua woh asma se
Aakar gira zameen par
Khwabon mein phir bhi badal hi the
Woh kehta raha magar
Ke allah ke bande hasde allah ke bande
Allah ke bande hasde jo bhi ho kal phir aayega…….
Adios (till next login)
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I don’t understand if at all that ship was traveling from Briton to India how it got slink in Bahamas which is situated in North of America I guess. Any clue?
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I didn’t understand if at all that ship was traveling from Briton to India how it got sink in Bahamas which is situated in North of America I guess. Any answer?
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Just as Christopher Columbus found the West Indies, while searching for India, the ship’s captain, mistook West Indies for India, and so he went there, and that’s how ship sank in Bahamas.
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Uh…Sawaal yeh nahin hai ke aapka review sabse achcha kyon laga, Sawaal yeh hai ke yeh sada hua film 92 crores kaisey bana liya, ya yahan pe bhi bada sa sawaal hi hai??
Kitne Sawaal??????
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The most hilariousest review I have ever read! I have tears in my eyes! Too many good lines to annotate here – but I paused to laugh on every line.
Thou art a talented writer!
Just came from Blue – waste of money – but since that experience led me to this review, my money was worth it! :-)
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Bhaago…There is a news that Anothony is about to make sequel of blue..
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