Chandni Chowk to China: A Question of Answers
India is the flavor of the season currently. And keen on adding tadka to the flavor, Rohan Sippy, Warner Bandhu and Nikhil Advani bring India’s first transnational film, ‘Chandni Chowk to China.’ Many among you have written to PFC imploring that this important milestone needs to be rigorously analyzed. Bowing to popular demand, we sent a note to Professor Armando Trilokesh Minimovich Yadav (Prof. A.T.M. Yadav). For more on Prof. A.T.M. Yadav, see here and here. However, we were disappointed to learn that he is touring the boondocks of China at this time. Nevertheless, our intrepid reporter travelled to China to file this interview for the readers of PFC.
PFC: Professor, let’s cut to the chase. How did you like Chandni Chowk to China (CC2C)?
Prof A.T.M. Yadav: Actually, I have not watched CC2C.
PFC: What? Why didn’t you tell it to me earlier? What review are we going to publish for our readers?
Prof A.T.M. Yadav: I am not sure, my friend, if you know what’s happening in the world around you. There’s a recession everywhere. We are in a downturn. Citibank has been split into two, GM is saying it will make “bael gaadi” (bullock carts). It’s a disaster worse than Love Story 2050. The new way of reviewing in a downturn is by not watching the movie. It’s more efficient. You save money and time. A lot of Indian websites have been following this model for quite sometime. You guys at PFC, as usual, are stuck in a time warp.
As the Confucius saying goes, “Pair utne hi phailaao, jitna ki sarong ka length ho”. Or maybe, it’s a Japanese saying, I can’t say.
PFC: But Professor, you have enough money, you aren’t a bhikhari.
Prof A.T.M. Yadav: What? What did you just say? Bhikhari? Have you watched Deshdrohi? Should I remind you – “Hey Inspector, Mera naam Prof ATM Yadav hai; aur Yadav sirf Raaja hota hai, bhikhari kabhi nahin banta.”
PFC: Oh, ok. The movie is being trashed quite badly in India and readers are wondering why did Warner decide this as their big launch pad?
Prof A.T.M. Yadav: The answer is quite simple – market research. A market research was conducted across the globe for a movie which will appeal to most people in the world. The answer was an Indian movie which is set in China. That would take care of almost 40% of global population. The simplicity of this research result made a lot of sense to everyone including Warner.
PFC: So, why hasn’t it worked?
Prof A.T.M. Yadav: It hasn’t worked because厚皮的动 憎æ¨;厌æ¶;心怀æ¶æ„.感到é—憾
PFC: Prof, what was that?
Prof A.T.M. Yadav: That’s half English half Chinese. See, it doesn’t work. This is the same research agency that had propagated the idea of Andhra style Chinese restaurants in Bangalore. Gongura Chicken Manchurian doesn’t work. The principle of numerical superiority is inherently flawed. As the great freedom fighter C. Rajagopalachari (also known as Rajaji, that is before Govinda made a film of the same name) once said, “if numerical superiority is the only criterion, then the crow should have been our national bird.”
PFC: So, the public reaction hasn’t been good in China as well?
Prof A.T.M. Yadav: That would be an understatement. People are livid. The Chinese version of Barkha Dutt has been holding debating forums where people are saying ‘enough is enough, we must act now.’
PFC: That bad! Why?
Prof A.T.M. Yadav: Their problem is two-fold. First, we have taken their national cuisine and made it into our national cuisine – what Vir Sanghvi calls the Sino-Ludhianvi cuisine. Restaurant menus all over India are full of Gobi Manchuri or Chicken in Hunan sauce (or sometimes worse, Chicken in Human sauce). Second, this is the second movie that we have made with the same story with reference to China. They can’t take it any more.
PFC: Second movie?
Prof A.T.M. Yadav: The first was China Gate. Same Sholay story.
PFC: But there was no China in China Gate.
Prof A.T.M. Yadav: That made it worse. Imagine someone making a movie titled India Gate which has nothing to do with India. Though something of that kind has already happened – India Gate Basmati rice (export quality) is not available in India.
PFC: So, is this turning into a diplomatic row?
Prof A.T.M. Yadav: It is. The Chinese foreign minister has told the media (the single TV channel that runs in China) that “all options are open.” The Indian ambassador was called yesterday and he pleaded that these restaurants and movies are work of “non-state actors.” But Chinese Government is not buying it because when they watched CC2C, they found a lot of the people in the film were “state non-actors.” And the Chinese government is worried that a lot of new “non-actors” will start making films of similar kind.
As the great Mao Zedong once said, “ek momo doosre momo ko dekh ke steamed ho jaata hai.”
PFC: Coming to the movie, noted critic Raja Sen says that the movie already has the contender for the dialog of the year based on this sequence (quote Raja Sen) – “Sample, if you will, this early contender for the year’s most bizarre dialogue: Kumar has been trained in Kung Fu, his arms turned into lethal weapons using something called the Iron Forearm technique. Soon he’s folding Deepika Padukone into these aforementioned steely arms, and saying [I translate, roughly] ‘I have Iron Forearms. Soon I’ll have Iron Legs, an Iron Chest, Iron Stomach,’ he pauses to look down pointedly, ‘and an Iron…’ Here he trails off as the girl coyly covers his mouth, saying ‘Enough’ with a smile.”
This is a huge socio-cultural shift in our movies. What’s your take?
Prof A.T.M. Yadav: Nothing much. Except pumping iron will never be the same again for Akshay.
PFC: What about Mithunda’s performance? There’s tribute to Gunmaster G9 again, apparently.
Prof A.T.M. Yadav: Mithunda always does very well in these movies set in communist countries with a sports backdrop. It’s a pity they haven’t given him a full song for himself though he was very keen to have song with the words Kung Fu in them. If you remember, Mithunda made a seminal impact on Indian karate scene in mid-80s when he starred in the film ‘Karate’ which also had him lip-syncing to the title track – “Jag Sara Naache, Dono Haathon Mein Jahan, Karaate Karaate, Karaate (in chorus).” Millions of kids took up Karate after this film and every gali-mohalla had a 5th Dan Black Belt Karate Master who taught Karate in the morning and doubled up as cablewallah in the evening. Then in early 90s, he did Shikari (an Indo-Russian collaboration) where he sang – “Toki Toki Toki, Aao Khelen Hockey; Hockey Bhaloo ke Saath, Koi Chhota, Koi Lamba, Koi Naache Ramba Ramba, Hockey Bhaloo ke Saath; A Twist, A Turn, A Daring Show, Circus Ki Pariyaan, Wow Wow Wow.” He wanted to do something similar with Kung Fu but they denied it to him. Instead, they tried the tired old routine of Gunmaster G9. I think that took a lot away from the film.
PFC: Have they reacted negatively against names like Meow Meow (Deepika as the vamp), Hojo (the chief villain) etc?
Prof A.T.M. Yadav: Yes, they have. But it’s the market research to blame again. After Jaane Tu Ya Jaane Na, the research group concluded that Meow is a good name for the lead female actor. Then they doubled it thinking it would double the audience acceptance. Hojo is a very studied and deep character. The name is a tribute to the chef of Mandrake, the magician, at his home in Xanadu. Hojo, as you may not know, is a martial arts expert and the undercover head of the international crime-fighting organization called Inter-Intel. There’s a reason why the villain was named Hojo which has something to do with global arms trade and espionage. My lips are sealed beyond this but those who watch the film closely will understand.
PFC: These are deep waters, eh?
Prof A.T.M. Yadav: Very deep. If you watch Namaste London, Singh is King and CC2C back-to-back you may get some answers. But don’t try that at home.
Also, as Deng once said, “haath kangan ko aarsi kya, padhe likhe ko Mandarin kya.”
PFC: People have been talking about the implausibility of Deepika’s double role. The one looking Indian is based in India while the one with Chinese looks is the vamp with Hojo in China.
Prof A.T.M. Yadav: Please! This is the age-old nature vs nurture debate. Nikhil Advani clearly backs the nurture model. His theory is your looks will be based on your environment. That’s the reason a lot of waiters in Chinese restaurants in India look like Chinese. Their environment changes their looks. Yana Gupta is another example. Astride on a buffalo, she looks like a gaon ki chhori not some one from Czech Republic.
PFC: Thanks for that. Coming back to Deepika, do you think the double role track is like Seeta aur Geeta? So, the film is a tribute to Ramesh Sippy’s two biggest hit – Sholay and Seeta aur Geeta. Won’t there be any new stories to hear from Sippy clan.
Prof A.T.M. Yadav: See, I think they could have added a rebel son-father angle (Shakti), a jilted lover who sacrifices himself (Saagar), a revolving bed with nubile nymphets on them (Bhrastachar), a talking car (Akayla) and SRK on drums that are on fire (Zamana Deewana) and we would have had a full Ramesh Sippy retrospective in a single movie. Would you be happy then? I fail to understand your problem with the Sholay track or Seeta aur Geeta track. They are all stories from Ramayan and Mahabharata.
PFC: Really? From those two epics?
Prof A.T.M. Yadav: Yes, Sholay is the story of Sugreeva asking Rama and Lakshman to save his kingdom from Baali. Seeta aur Geeta is the old story of divine justice that is peppered in these two epics.
PFC: So, nothing special in Deepika’s track?
Prof A.T.M. Yadav: No, there is a deep psychological angle to that track. It’s essentially a revenge drama at two levels. One that you see on screen but the other is real life one.
PFC: Pray, explain.
Prof A.T.M. Yadav: You see Deepika’s father, Prakash was one of the greatest sportsmen that our country has ever produced – who won the All England and was ranked number 1 at a time in the world in Badminton. After a while, as age caught up with him, the Chinese shuttlers, regimented in their training and with half the talent of that of Prakash, took over. Deepika was avenging those losses.
PFC: But in such convoluted manner?
Prof A.T.M. Yadav: As Jackie Chan once said (in relation to Mallika Sherwat) – “jab seedhi ungli se noodle nahin nikalta, toh ungli tedhi karni padti hai.”
PFC: How did you figure all these out without even watching the movie?
Prof A.T.M. Yadav: See, I told you. This is how the movie reviewing works during a recession. And, no one can tell the difference.
As the Chinese saying goes, “Saanp bhi mar jaaye, laathi bhi na tootey, aur lunch ka bandobast bhi ho jaaye.”
Tags: Chandni Chowk to China, Mere Desh Mein Paisa Sirf Paisa Nahin Hai, Psychoanalytical Review
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kickass..fundu 22 log
kehte hain na .. ‘khoda pahar nikala chua’
I am absolutely cracking up, Prof Yadav!
So, in the times of recession Kumar uses so much iron, of course, the people of Paradip port must have offloaded some MTs of Iron ore in deference to the BOP situation with China or something as deep!!
Was the Great Wall of China invented to throw people off it??!
How many people are flung over in this ‘Chindina Chowki China Choom’ man?!
Not a terrible film, but DEFINITELY NOT worth the hype!
Akshay’s fabulous!
But Deepika?!!!!
This girl can’t act for noodles, Oops, nuts!
Nikhil has made such a Chow Mein Khichidi here!
There was more SRK ‘Don’ here than ‘Seeta aur Geeta’!
Just another time-pass movie.
Which will most probably have a sequel or ‘three-quel’!
“Toki Toki Toki, Aao Khelen Hockey; Hockey Bhaloo ke Saath, Koi Chhota, Koi Lamba, Koi Naache Ramba Ramba, Hockey Bhaloo ke Saath; A Twist, A Turn, A Daring Show, Circus Ki Pariyaan, Wow Wow Wow.”
hahahhahaahahhahaha
BY GOD KI KASAM- Professor ji- tussi genius ho! Humein apna shishya bana lijiye!
Waise CC2C dekhne ke baad humne Ghajini saab ko bahut yaad kiya:
Dear Mr. Ghajini, if you are reading this, please consider my earnest plea. If you do have some special iron rod that can erase the last few hours (I don’t remember the length of the film, but it felt like eternity) of my memory, please come and bonk me hard on the head with it and I promise I would be forever in your debt.
http://jahansinghbakshi.blogspot.com/2009/01/review-chandni-chowk-to-china.html
Guruji, wish i had read ur gyaan session, before watching this retarded piece of movie making. Just cant believe it was Sridhar Raghavan who came up with such a turd script. What was he drinking?
Damn, i went to this movie, coz i love Jackie Chan’s flicks, and this seemed like one. God man what an insult to that genre. I just don’t understand how Warner Bros, backed this piece of turd.
Prof ATM Yadav, blessed r v @ PFC to be enlightened by your seriously hillarious dope on CC2C. Chinese Hakka Noodles it is, for lunch, dinner & the funeral that follows, after watchin CC2C! Fantastik read… salut!
korporate India’s gain is the loss of Indian advtg.
@Jahan
ha ha!!!
Talking about Iron Rod,.there is a Iron Man in CC2C.
ha ha
jai ho! ATM Yadav ji ki. review bhi kar diya, movie bhi nahin dekhi, aur lunch ke liye 200/- bacha bhi liye. jai ho!
hehehhehe….Profsaab, u missed an important thing…what do u think about chu-chee ? am sure u know what it means in north. cud not figure out what akshay was thinking ?
Guruji one question, will Ozzy Osbourne now file a copyright suit against Warner Bros, for claiming Akshay is an Iron Man, since he happens to be the original Iron Man?
Guruji will Tony Stark file a copyright against Warner Bros, since he happens to be the real Iron Man, how can Deepika, claim Akshay as the Iron Man
ha ha ha subrat good one good one… wink…
I hope if our movies were half entertaining as this reviews.
Hey Pro yadav…
i hope “akshay chan” n his followers read this n commit a suicide
Subrat Sir, that was funny. But nowhere close to the GHAJINI Q of A. Maybe because this time Prof ATM yadav did not see the film himself…. Good for him!
The Indian ambassador was called yesterday and he pleaded that these restaurants and movies are work of “non-state actors.” But Chinese Government is not buying it because when they watched CC2C, they found a lot of the people in the film were “state non-actors.” And the Chinese government is worried that a lot of new “non-actors” will start making films of similar kind.
LOL LOL LOL
Holy shit! That was hilarious. We want more Q&A!
in one line it was shnikhil madhavani i have NO CLUE why people invest money in you and your cinema especially warner bros
a random mass media student would make a better film
and akshay kumar is the Biggest shit ever
he proves the fact that you dont need any talent to make money
he does the same not-funny thigns over and over and over again
Mr Advani is the most over hyped director in India. And with every movie he makes he confirms that Kal Ho was a KJo movie.
prof. sahab kamal ho aap!! that was tooo gud n hilarious man..“jab seedhi ungli se noodle nahin nikalta, toh ungli tedhi karni padti hai.” hahahaha
kya oneliners maarein hai yadav ji
LOL!!!
Best review of any film I have evr read!!!
Please keep up with the work…
And yeah…loved the Mithun da songs. Wish I could listen to them too ;-)
Prof. sahab lagta hai aapne lokoktiyon par PhD ki hai. Jai ho, jai ho!
Did Rajaji really say that about crows? Hilarious!
been painting all day so don’t know if my laffter is from the fumes i been huffing. will read again tomorrow. btw Prof ka PhD earned hai ki honorary?
Thanks, all. The Prof tells me that Nikhil Advani reached out to him y’day seeking advice on the sequel. The Prof first ascertained whether the sequel will also have numerous lines where Akki speaks about his family jewels, ‘ande’, ‘akhrots’ and ‘kanchein’. Having being reassured of that, the Prof suggested the name ‘Mere Do Anmol Ratan’ for the sequel since ‘Chandni Chowk’ is numerologically unsound.
Dabba: bona fide Ph.D. How dare you even ask such a frivolous question? Should the Prof remind you of “aukaat”?
The otehr question that a lot of people have asked is if Mithunda was himself not capable of training Akki into Iron Man. The Prof would like to place on record that this is simply untrue and Mithunda would have been an excellent trainer. This is where the film went horribly wrong. Mithunda was himself trained into a commando by his father Satish Kaul in the film Commando. I am delighted to provide the evidence here. Pls watch
Sorry, pls watch here. This is real recording of the most gruelling commando course in the world.Mithunda trained quite early in life
http://in.youtube.com/watch?v=Ceyk3-2K5BM&feature=related
@subrat
that was a very insightful watch.
now i know where ‘mithunda’ learned all his moves. ;)
hail mithunda!
saari training toh bachche ko hi mil gayi.., mithunda ne kya seekha?? :(
As usual, HILARIOUS read!
But the assistant director listed in the credits is ‘Harry Baweja’. Is he apna Love Story 2050 and Qayamat waala?
Imdb ( http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0062614/ ) says so… hmmmmmmm…
@animataur..That bachcha turns into mighty Mithunda with mighty Mandakini as fellow Commandini
hi subrat,
i need to ask a question from THE celebrated professor, can you pass this to him and pass the answer back to PFC. The question is “before the release of CC2C, this was marketed as biographical/autobiographical/semi biographical/half biographical/quarter biographical movie of Akhsay Kumar. What THE decorated professor ji think about this?”
After SIK , i have lost any desire remaining to watch a AK movie, so can not confirm this personally. But i am still curious ?
thanks in advance.
Chuchi, Chuchi Kaun hai?, Mere Akhrot toot gaye, mere andey phoot gaye, bamboo le kar tere pichwaadey mein ghusa doonga, iron man dialogues, hojo pissing on sidhu… and this movie is meant for families?
I have been a fan of Kung fu hustle and shaolin soccer..these guys tried something similar…tongue in cheek humour…wont say they failed, coz i actually liked some sequences, production value, special effects. I guess they saw too many kung fu movies and made a film which missed the Indian flavour..
saw the movie… but liked prof ATM yadav’s answers even more!
@kshitij: can believe that you remember the toki toki song!
prof ji aapne apne toh paise bacha liye par mera Rs 500 china main doob gaya :(. If SIK was Sick then it was very very Sick. But truly karate song is truly hilarious.