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“I have suffered enough abuse and torture in my childhood and that hampered my normal growth. I do not know when my troubles will end.”

This is Sanjay Dutt speaking fourteen years ago after being incarcerated in year 1993 under TADA.

He laid all the blame on his past, his childhood and his boarding days.

It’s not a figment of my imagination. But a first hand account by a crime reporter- cum- investigative journalist– Baljeet Parmar. Writing in DNA dated 01.08.07 he gives an account of his interaction with Sanjay Dutt and his illustrious father Sunil Dutt.

Read what Baljeet Parmar has to say about Sunil Dutt…” I saw a Dutt,who was complete antithesis of his public image..He would flare up over trivial issues. He came across as dominant and short tempered, often hurling choices Punjabi eptithets on people he did not like..”

Baljeet Parmar carries on “..When I met Sanjay many times at the Crime Branch Headquarters after his arrest in 1993, and he spoke about his father and troubled childhood he did not surprise me one bit. I had seen Dutt senior from close quarters..”

He elaborates,”..At times weeping bitterly Sanjay narrated how he suffered physical and mental abuse at home and outside..He rued the day when he was packed off to Sanawar Public School, Kasauli (near Shimla), where his seniors often beat him up and teased him on his lanky frame. Sanjay made no bones telling that he got beaten up for even small things at home..He was however very close to his mother.. His mother’s ailment and feeling of loneliness led him to drugs..But this brought him more misery.”

“As Sanjay lost his way, Dutt senior got more and more furious. In one conversation, the father said that Sanjay had ruined the entire family and for this he deserved to die in prison. I could understand a father’s anguish but Sanjay recoiled at his father’s outburst. At 33 Sanjay looked like a child scared of his father,” Mr. Parmar remarks.

Reading this article opened for me an altogether different perspective to Sanjay’s saga. A son scared of his domineering father! Looked like a scene between Om Puri and Amrish Puri in Ardh Satya. And a relationship between Harilal and his idealistic father Mahatma Gandhi (Gandhi My Father is keenly awaited).

A sincere and very talented actor and filmmaker, an enterprising producer, an honest politician ( a rare breed indeed), a dedicated public servant, a doting husband and a loving father, that’s how we cherish Dutt Sahab (thats how he was generally addressed in film circles). But Dutt Sahab as a domineering and short tempered father who beat up his son is hard to swallow! I would not have taken it myself had it not been a written word in a respectable newspaper of Mumbai.

Whom to trust and what to rely upon? A conundrum indeed! Identity vs Image and Private Persona versus Public Perception. Thats the question.

Though it is said that every man has three personalities(we all suffer from multiple persoanlity disorder anyway)– what is seen of him, what he wants others to see of him and what he actually is, a thin line exists basically between two persona– what is seen and what actually is. A tightrope walk on this line is a must while tom tomming ones image to avoid being seen through. Thats what public relations is all about. Thats Page 3 pimping in present times. Create a smoke screen..Become an ardent follower of Goebbles and drum up the lie so many times that it starts feeling truth.

Vivekanada made an observation that even a fool can act like a great man under the arc lights. If you really want to know of a man see him in his day to day actions. One can give fantastic soundbytes before the camera and play to the gallery. Its when the lights are off and outer darkness just reflects the inner darkness of consciousness unleashing demons lurking within, thats when one’s true self emerges. And to keep those demons hidden, an image has to be created. And constantly reinforced.

Thats how one goes about doing business in the world..And thats a must if you are in showbiz. It reminds me of those two very pertinent and poignant songs from old Hindi films.. ” Jab bhi jee chahe naii duniya basaa lete hain log, ek chehre pe kaii chehre laga lete hain log”..And then ” Kya mileye aise logon se jinki fitrat chhipi rahe, nakli chehra saamne aaye, asli surat chiipi rahe.”

But everything is not lost..In this cold and calculating environment where Dil miley na miley, haath milaatey rahiye, there are instances of people who are integral–body,mind and soul..Who have tongues not in their mouths but in their feet(another Vivekananda observation)..who walk the talk..who are not wannabes..who are not celebrities and who don’t hire PR machinery to create an image and spin a spiel. Still who don’t go unnoticed..and fortunately who don’t die as unsung heroes.

One such instance got reported in the newspapers on 01.08.07 itself–the same day 1993 blasts case verdict called it curtains..A news item announced that a noted Indian journalist Palagummi Sainath won the 2007 Ramon Magsaysay award (often described as Asia’s Nobel Prize) for his passionately committed people centric reportage..

His citation reads: “As the economy surges, matters that call for the urgent attention of the public and government are ignored in favor of film starlets and beauty queens, the stockmarket and India’s famed IT boom. Sainath has taken a different path. Believing that journalism is for people not for shareholders he has doggedly covered the lives of those who have been left behind…Sainath presented his readers with a world that belied the giddy accounts of India’s economic miracle. In this India the harsh life of rural poor was infact growing harsher.”

It adds:”..In electing Palagummi Sainath to receive the 2007 Ramon Magsaysay Award for Journalism, Literature and Creative Communication Arts, the board of trustees recognises his passionate commitment as a journalist to restore the rural poor to India’s consciousness.”

How one craves for integrated human beings. How one longs for journalistic practices that go beyond the image,soundbytes,eyeballs and TRPs. How one cherishes the funeral of deception and birth of authenticity! These are churning times. They say Higher consciousness is eager to descend. And amidst all this chaos there is hope. Is that so?

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