Deviji unplugged..heroes of today hold no water..
TV Studio. Channel 69. Host in an audacious get up remniscient of a yesteryear Sajid Khan. He barks:
Welcome to the latest issue of “Wipe out” that captures the best of the entertainment industry of Mumbai. As it happens we have been successful in getting to the studio, the one and only Deviji who has the style, the substance and the all seeing eye of a tigress. She has been to all the happening parties, the latest fashion gigs and all the launches that keep regularly taking place in Mumbai and beyond. Welcome Deviji, to ‘Wipe out’!
D: Thanks. OMG, you have a red couch too! You know, that naughty girl, Poorie types, whatever, had kept on telling me about being on her show. But what do I say, won’t come..coz, she has been busy promoting some new age flunkies on her show. My god, it would have been so ‘not happening’ but guess you guys are a league above thaaat!!
Sajid lookalike pleased, tugs at his Feroz Khan belt and sucks in stomach.
WO: Certainly, Madamji, we are a league above all those entertainment news channels. And we do not call in such new age flunkies..no matter what they do.. we even called Madhur Bhandarkar after he beefed up his muscles, digitally corrected his publicity pictures and did that film, FASHION! So, here we are..Madamji, we shall want to know about the first quarter of 2009, How did it go and how did you find the movies that released this year?
Deviji shudders, looks very taken aback, wouldn’t know if it was the Bhandarkar reference.
D: Oh no, I don’t drink quarters. My driver Nilesh does so. Gawd, how he smells after his bouts of drinking, and..
WO: Madamji, hold on, hold on,that was not about quarters of booze, First quarter or plainly put, how were the first three months in the movies this year?
Deviji cools down. Settles back. This is going to be easy. She just has to keep saying flop..flop…flop
D: Toh say like that na..OK, movies, achcha, yes..now, you’d have to help me out with the names. You know, I am very kachcha with the names, guys!!
WO: Certainly, Yes, I have it all here, Arre, where is it, excuse me madam, just a moment, oh yeah..here it is, you know even we have to keep track by getting a print out done…nahin toh, so many movies?!! Okay, here we go..Kaash mere hote!
He looks directly at her, fingers his crotch in a very suggestive Kaala Sona gesture and a Ranjeet drawl.
D: Kiske hote..arre, hum toh shaadi shuda hain..Mehra saab will wring your neck, arre…
Sajid lookalike panics, forgets Kaala Sona and Ranjeet, does not want to get beaten up by Mehra saab..he is nearly out of his seat..rapidly thinking if her hubby was Prakash Mehra or Vinod Mehra or FC Mehra…
WO: Excuse me madam, hold on, easy..easy madamji, this is the name of the film that released first this year..
D: Haan, toh tell that na, kaun tha ussme??
Panic dies down. Lookalike back in seat. Drawl resumes. But now more like Sudhir…
WO: Kumaar Saahil, Sneha Ullal…
D: who are these people?
WO: Forget it Madamji(because lookalike himself does not know), don’t think you have seen this movie?
D: Nahin, nahin, aur thoda clue do na, you know, sometimes the bachcha log download some movies and I also join them, may have seen there…
Lookalike jumps up at this and frantically looks around for director..not finding him, musters up enough courage to say..now, in a Harish Patel voice..
WO: Deviji, this is a family channel, respectable, please lets not talk about you bachchalog’s shady kaarnaame on the net anymore!!
D: It’s shady, is it?
Lookalike vigorously nods…like Amrish Puri, in Tridev
WO: Okay, we move on now..The President is Coming..
D: Obama, here, OMG, Bataa na tha na, I have not worn my Versace dress and come, and my trip to the spa is postponed to next wek…OMG..
Poor Lookalike wants to tear off his hair but controls himself. He has come to know Rohan Sippy’s hair is also missing.
WO: Madamji, Madamji, this too is a movie name….Konkona acted in it..its supposed to be good..
D: Oh, Oh, when did this release??
WO: Jan 1st week
He morosely glances at his cue sheet. His Deviji has just not seen many movies. This is gonna be tough.
D: But I thought I had seen everything there was to see…
Lookalike rolls his eyes, not much unlike Kader Khan in Pataal Bhairavi..
WO: Next we have Chandni Chowk to China
D: Ah, this one, I liked it…Akki is so handsome nahin…
WO: But it flopped..
D: They say there was no story, now, I ask you, why suddenly this story business in Bollywood…all my old producer friends are finding it so difficult now…
WO: Why?
D: Arre, they have to read the story and understand whether it will work na, all this is very hard work, till a year ago, just bring Shahrukh, Aamir or Amitji and job was done..the stars brought in the story, the heroines and everything else. My friends had to just get the money on the table. Now, it is all so different. Imagine, even Chintuji is having to read scripts these days and keep off the scotch ha ha!!
WO: Madamji, please then you agree that CC2C had no story?
D: Yeah, that I have to. But anyways serves that Nikhil Advani right for turning his back on apna KJo. Such a sweet boy KJo…don’t you agree?
Lookalike scratches his head. Why does KJo enter into every sane cinema discussion in India. Then, he realizes he is talking to Deviji. All’s well.
WO: I do, and lets go ahead..what about Raaz..the mystery continues..
D: Very good film..I love Emraan. I love the way he rocks while singing those “Oooo Oooo” songs..and Kangana is so cute in eccentric roles. I am just starting to love her..
WO: But her English?
D: Oh ho, you are all so naughty..but even Tarantino has now given credence to her pronunciation, so its fine I would say, nahin!
WO: What was best about Raaz?
D: I was really scared!
WO: Okay, point taken, next we have Victory and Luck By Chance..
D: So sad for that Hurman boy no, whatever he is trying is not happening…and look at Farhan, whatever he is trying he is succeeding.. BTW, Victory was scary too..
Lookalike ignores this barb towards Hurman and Anitha Rao
WO: But, do you think Luck by Chance did well??
D: It did na, at PVR Juhu, people were all very excited about it..but I guess people away from Mumbai did not relate to it..Kya pata, what kind of films they do like..and Farhan speaks in Hindi well enough
WO: But you think Luck By Chance was that perfect film?
D: Not perfect, but certainly very good..but the other one, Victory, was scary..it did not do well anywhere..
WO: Why? It had so many cricketers..
D: As it is, we are fed up seeing so many matches and then these appearances in movies..and the movie had no good songs too..how can it do well???
Lookalike was surprised by her intelligence. Looked happy with the course of the interview. Maybe it was all coming together…
WO: Point taken Madamji..next we have Dev D..
D: OMG, I did not go to see the movie in the first week. Mehra Saab told me that it was a crude film full of epithets and certainly Mehra saab did not want me to be associated with such stuff but when everyone started crowing about the film, then I did see. I loved Paro. So caring, carrying the bedding to the fields. Then, Abhay, so smart and handsome. The next Deol who will reign in the next 20 years!
WO: Yes, he is being seen as the new cinema mascot..
D: So cute.
WO: Why are you going on about the cute?
D: I remember Dharamji…Oh, those were the days…Dharamji, you know, was and still is the best…
She had her eyes glazed and it was apparent that there was a special thing about her and Dharamji
WO: OK, we move on before you get any more reflective…Billu
D: I dunno, SRK rocks, but..as the story progresses I somehow felt SRK was not the hero..
WO: But SRK wasn’t, it was clear from the first scene itself..
Lookalike guessed this was something everyone knew. He leant forward in Shashi Kapoor style to make his point.
D: Yeah, but the promos did not clarify that..seeing all those sexy dances I thought..
Dumb lady, Lookalike decided, watching movies these days by the look of the promos. Remember, Jhoom Barabar Jhoom!!!!!
WO: But did you like what Irrfan did?
D: But I did not go to see him na, I went for SRK..achcha, he does not respond to my old producer friends..and yet he makes this old kind of movie..cannot fathom the man, Kyun?
WO: Yes, some problem there..Madamji, how was Delhi 6?
D: I did not understand it. The movie was about Delhi, right! But, I could not see much of the Delhi hoi polloi. What is a movie about Delhi without them?? This kind of mohalla we can find in any city…
WO: But, Madamji, I think that was the whole idea..
D: Oh I didn’t know that…strange movies these new age guys make…and on top of it, he is a Mehra too!!
Lookalike is taken aback again. These guys still worry about lineage!
WO: Is that a problem?
D: nahin, Mehra saab was asked by his friends, how did he like it and Mehra saab was confused, what to say??!!
WO: Madamji, understand..can we go forward to Karma and Holi, Dhoondte reh Jaaoge, 13 B and some others..
D: My My, I saw that DRJ and am convinced that Sonu Sood is Amitabh Bachchan of the 2000s.
WO: How?
D: Mark my words, just like Amitji worked in that Bombay to Goa and then became a great actor, so would Sonu after doing DRJ. Only, it shall be in Telegu cinema not in Bollywood..saw his Arundhati?
WO: Oh, you see Telegu films too?
D: No yaar, but RGV does..
WO: RGV, where…(Lookalike is completely floored. No point trying to understand her) Okay Madamji, as you say, shall we move on?
D: Yes, 13 B is good. But Maddy is cho chweet. I really want to host a party for Maddy. Why does he not do more Hindi films? He should get that Vidya as his heroine. God knows why he gets such average heroines..Oh! he is so cool..
There, she was another of her fangirl trips…
WO: Deviji, Okay, Okay, we understand..shall we move on.. Gulaal.
D: Tell that Anurag boy that he should not make such difficult films, and such unknown actors…and Mehra saab went in search of Republic Beer the next day..so much trouble when the driver also gave up after reaching Bhayander. But that Ransa boy, reminds me of Garam Dharamji so much…ummm!!
WO: That reminds me…Jai Veeru? (Lookalike butts in fast…)
D: I only know one Jai Veeru and then I was in college, you know..and Amitji was from Delhi originally and he used to visit our college, Miranda..but Veeru, Dharamji again, was awesome (goes completely moony)…ummmm!!
WO: This is a movie now with Fardeen and Kunal Khemu, if you didn’t know!!
D: Shut up..it cannot be..my heroes are irreplacable…(starts crying)…and Dharamji married her! Imagine!!
WO: Deviji..shall I finish the interview here, I had some more movies left, you know…
D: You idiot, do anything you want…they don’t make heroes like them anymore..so, I don’t have much to say anyway…(whimpers again…)
WO: Thank you, madamji. Okay, don’t cry now. Agree we don’t have good heroes anymore. But don’t cry, Deviji!!
(ad for the latest serial “ghar pe baithi rahti, baahar kyun nahi jaati Paro!” comes on…)
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Revathy
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Shilpa Shukla
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Partho Sen-Gupta
Prroshant Naryannan
Sam Langoria
Satish Kasetty
Indraneelda- that was extremely funny.I tried actually visualizing the whole thing while reading.Damn cool, so do we see Deviji back after the 2nd Qr?
Ha ha. This was way too funny man. Good job.
“WO: Oh, you see Telegu films too?
D: No yaar, but RGV does..”
LOL!!!
nice…loved Deviji. Luck by chance se yaad aaya..I was tickled to bits with Juhi Chawla in it.. typical upper class punju woman. her accent and mannerisms were totally faltoo.
maza aa gaya ekdum :-)
lage haath mazakh hi hojaye.