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FIRST POST FOR THERAPY
(With thanks to minds who invented ink and the pen - The Chinese? for paper and to God for trees..I wrote the following using pen and paper and am typing it out of a cybercafe somewhere in bandra..so thanks to technology and to Oz for PFC)
WHY AM I DOING THIS? WHY THE ^&%% am I HERE? in mumbai?
last night.:08:30 pm - I email OZ, that i just put down 15 pages of an interview with a film maker that should be up on PFC soon…my mind’s so charged up that i feel like finishing up a lot of writing, editing (want to put up some parts of Ak’s black friday discussion with PFC and something else i shot recently) and put it all up. i feel powerful.
09:30 PM ;Life makes its presence felt. Tells me who really is powerful. and it’s not me! The adaptor cable of my laptop goes bust! (i’ll refer to it as ‘power cable’ from here)
I care! The last time this happened was on 20-12-2006 06:00 am, I was reading the No Smoking script just before i had to go to AK’s Dharavi shoot - my first tryst with PFC had followed.
When i live life i follow signs. I have no choice!
So, i have to type out about my state of mind right now — here at PFC. i just have to, whether you read or not.
last night, 10:00 pm - I take the last back-up before the battery dies out and rush to the cyber cafe. It shuts at 10;30pm. Vasan is online. He buggers me to act in his short film and i bugger him back double amount while i email Oz my notes along with a crazy email.
10;33 pm - I have to face reality tonight. There’s no computer - no music, no edit, no typing.
Fine! i clean my room instead - half a room that is.
i live out of a govt hostel for working women in the suburbs - good thing is i share with an editor friend from the FTII and she lives mostly in the studio where she works. Every morning when the women go for work like normal people, i feel i own the place - all god-damned five floors. i feel like royalty!
yes, i do miss my first ever place in mumbai which i left when i quit the job. The half a room at a snazzy high rise facing the sea in snooty cuffe parade but strangely, i feel freer where i am now - that was just a fantasy fulfilled.
..back to the power cable
07.02.07 starts with a single point agenda - go to the showroom and complain - it’s hardly been time since i bought this new cable.
11:00 am - he says he can’t help! And because i think the world is like i am, he’d have welcomed his customer with a smile, said sorry and given me a fresh piece! He says, he can’t! so, it’s half hour of blasting his head off, phone calls to main service centre and his boss at some other office! The verdict is that they keep it for 2-3 days, send it for repair and then let me know if they can replace it. But, they wont lend me a stand-by - company policy!
FINE!
The point’s not the power cable. But, magnify this scenario. Imagine this as equipment i’ve invested in as an independent film maker, i have an edit waiting, a crew waiting, a producer waiting…is this the sort of test i will have to go through every day?
So, when i hope to move from writer to film maker ever i need to prepare myself for everything outside life on the computer.
I have to deal with not just characters on paper -but with the ‘real world’ of bank accounts and men who will supply me technology. Money is a reality i am aware of, otherwise i would have never done the jobs i didn’t want to.
Everything from the interview i transcribed yesterday came back to me.
A situation like this teaches me not just about a ‘power cable’ but about ‘power’ itself - the man who sells me the cable doesnt care who i am or what i want to do with my computer and he won’t. he won’t ever need to know me and even that is fine, for anonymity has its benefits.
So, i learn that i must develop trust with those who i purchase technology from - whatever it might be - because i depend on them and i will need to go back to them at some stage. Whether its a power cable or the place i’ll hire a camera from.
See, i am typing this at a cyber cafe i am new to, that costs me 30 rupees for an hour. it could have been an edit studio that costs 300 per hour! same thing..get used to it.
But, at the end of it, i have to believe in whatever i have chosen to do AND i need a SOLUTION!
So, i cool down and decide. My solution is, let them keep the cable for 2-3 days but i need a new one now, right now. I will have to buy another one from another vendor for 3,000 bucks and if the original gets repaired, i’ll have a spare for keeps!
MORE MUSINGS:
So, then, Why am i here? Why am i doing this? Why am i not back home in Delhi - where i have a broadband connection, stable electricity, loving parents?
i love my parents a lot, they’re aeging and they need me. I’ve done a fair bit of mumbai-delhi-mumbai travel ever since i moved here, but back in Delhi i can’t work the way i can work here. Delhi is an unforcomfortable city for me - though i love home.
I tried working from home when i worked for a film-maker in Mumbai. There’s a lot I missed out on and eventually i had to go all the way to the FTII, Pune so that from there I could smoothly move to Mumbai - which is how it happened. I could have run away to Mumbai years back, but for reasons i’ll write about sometime later, i never wanted to, I didn’t need to.
So, something must come out of all the effort and discomfort.
For every unachievable script i write (the one that is sure to be a production challenge), I’ll have to write a more accessible one (based in Mumbai with easy production value) which is what i am trying to do.
But, when things like this happen and i am jolted into reality, i feel the need to make changes in my life. Now, i am sure, it’s time i earned some money to get by. I think I’ll sell my voice, my acting skills or do dialogue. I am also going to put up my bio on PFC but i hate to ’sell writing’. I can’t ’sell scripts’. i can share them with a director, producer. I don’t have the caliber or capacity to ’sell stories’ to people i don’t know. I can’t. Maybe i will have to. Maybe i’ll have to get used to it if not work only with people i trust totally. who knows!
But, it’s time for next gear and i better stick to my word!
Whew! Now i feel alive again..
(When i left the computer store i sat around at the sidewalk and then wandered into a barista cafe - for 40 bucks you get a good place to sit and a coffee! I could have sat around at the sev-puri place as well as sometimes i do but today i didnt want anyone to stare. So, here i am at the barista handwriting this with a pen on paer and i look left and what do i see - that’s a poster for Black Friday! See, follow signs! That’s Life!)
(WHAT i learnt from the film maker i interviewed - whatever i say is fine - but it must show in my script, my film. I will try)
(can;t do a spellcheck - time’s up…maybe will edit it from a cheaper cyber cafe!)
32 Responses to “FIRST POST FOR THERAPY”
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[LATEST CHAT - Vasan and Smriti]
me:
2:49 PM script become to morbid and dark
anyways lets see
Smriti: yeah just go with what u feel
and the leave it fr a day and go back to it on a brighter day
me: discussed it with chitanya
he loved it
Smriti: then itl work
me: he tells me it’s kundan shah meets anurag kashyap
hhhhhahaaa
2:50 PM Smriti: wonderful!!
hehehee
me: will send itonceit’s done
once it’s done
byee
Smriti: ok
2:51 PM its there u can read the post
me: ok me first comment
[me first one to comment..see. would have discussed it with KK first but we are a bit miffed with each other...maybe drench all that once he is back from bangalore...]
Smriti totally know what you feel…
each time i look into my father’s eye…..what the hell am i doing…
Sorry to pull u in this chunky for cheap publicity :)He was just trying to up my fledging moral
It’s ok Vasan…I guess I will have to live with the fact that in today’s times, any publicity is cheap publicity.:):):)
signs… i believe in signs too.pls do not bite the dust and dont sell your script.feels like so many things are running in your mind. the post is completely haphazard. i hope the theraphy worked.cheers to pfc!
// Smriti
Smirti, Javedsaab ki do panktiyaan yaad aa gaye…Zindagi naumeed to nahi, nakaam hi to hai…lambi hai gum ki shaam magar shaam hi to hai.
And I have added my two bits to it…without asking anyone…
Ye shaam kabhi to bitegi, main dinkar ko bhi dekhoonga….bahut door abhi jana hai, main himmat tab tak rakhoonga…so..lage raho yaar!!
i like the way u’ve written dat…especially the ‘will call it ‘powr cable’ from here on’ :)…a screenplay writer that u r . well , if i remember properly i wrote a comment on script doctors, a rather harsh one, sumwhere and from what i gather from a few other posts that i happnd to read here, u were working with a film production company in a similar capacity…well, i take my words back..its just dat i hate the concept.
well , wish u good luck with watever u do . it takes guts to live this kinda life.
Smriti
hi!
i can completely identify with you.
Do not let this fire put off.you need that kind of scattered energy to get going.
All the people,things or places are part of big zigsaw puzzle(ink,paper your hostel,cable guy,barista coffee shop or pani puri wala,cybercafe)Understand and respect that.That very gesture will make your life flow without any bumps.
RISE AND SHINE.
If autmn is there can spring be far behind!
Hey Smriti, very interesting post. Blogs, basically writing in general, are always a good way to vent out feelings.
I had a few questions (not in any way related to your post). How does one go about starting a career in film-writing, how important is the education part of it and how does it compare to hands-on experience? And which are the best film institutes in India (I’m sure FTII is somewhere up there)?
Also, I’d like to say that besides giving us an insider’s view into a director’s life, PFC has succeeded in showing how the rest of the film crew contribute to the final product. Thank you so much!
oh..wow ..thanks..makes it all worth it..computer’s working now finally, so will get to work..more replies tomorrow.
Hi Smriti…Do you want to work on an idea with me? (It can be a total online collaboration, if I’m able to sell the idea to someone, let’s share the booty!)
Congratulations Smriti, now you have power! ;)
Ah Smriti! nice post.
Someone told me that you write for this site, so I checked up on it.
And whoever is asking whether FTII is a top film school in India, just tell him that’s there isn’t a better film school in the world. I shiver to think that I would be leaving this place in a year from now.
Hang in there. I’ve realized you have to create fake adrenaline - pump yourself up to finish something/accomplish something. I had a similar post in my mind… after I finish what I need to :) I will post it…
OMG!! Smriti brilliant writeup…now someone trying to make movies on Parallel tracks…READ this article..simply brilliant!!!
Bhagwan tumhe Power bhi de aur Cable bhi…Zindagi bhar ke liye…Amen!!!:)
You bring up an interesting point about only working with people you trust. I have had this conversation with many friends recently, including one who did not work for months because she refuses to take on projects unless the director and producers have integrity.
Sometimes you need to work for money. But, you always end up feeling like crap. Sometimes it is worth the struggle to find those people who share your own sense of integrity. Everyone succeeds in that case, even if it means hard times in the beginning…
@Saurav
I only ask because screen-writing excites me. It’s not really a question of if I will study it, it’s more a question of when. Very confusing ….
Hey Smriti,
Good going… never give up… JUST FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS… Keep writing.
What I would suggest, to make your scripts more real life is to combine the cuffe parade world with your present one, not only will the steady income make you “write scripts” as opposed to “force scripts” but the real world throws up a lot more interesting stories than Starbucks/Filmi Folks/Barista/FTII can ever do.
Vivek I totally agree with you.
I’m a writer/director out here in Vancouver, Canada (not to worry, Hindi films will always be my first love), and I have to balance out my passion for writing screenplays with my everyday work (which is quite non-filmi). And what I find is that it gives me a great deal of perspective:
Its easier to relate to the various varieties of “normal” people (and their many issues, both of the normal and abnormal kind) when you live amongst them…
@ vasan - waiting for the script
@ CT - now that i read my own post - seemed like ‘much ado about nothing’ but with all these responses - i guess not.
@ phnxnu - bahut khoob! have you read ‘tarkash’? here’s two lines from there that i literally fell in love with. (these are even immortalised in nusrat fateh ali khan’s voice)
“mere kuch pal, mujhko de do..
..baaki saare din logon;
…tum jaisa, jaisa kehte ho..
..sab, vaisa, vaisa hoga” (Javed Akhtar)
@ rockstar - i havent been a script doctor..my work was entry level and required a lot of reading - scripts especially.
But, nothing wrong with script doctoring per se - what can be wrong about sending your script to someone who understands scripts and cares about it enough to send you honest comments. But, as a writer, be careful of telling a doctor from a …quack!
The problem is when the doctor becomes more important than the writer herself!
@smriti…thnx. ya i have read. I also have many favourite ones from that…one, where he is written about his struggling days n how he made it. But his other struggler friend cud not n he died in mahakali caves in mumbai. Javed wonders that it could have been reverse also and ends it with…kabhi kabhi lagta hai ki itna ghamand kis baat ka. we all need to realise that.
There is one more poetry that he has adrsd to his daughter…jeevan ki do rah..ek asaan,ek mushkil…cant remember the lines now but simply love it.
N here goes two lines by one of my friend, he smsd me…hum sab sms kavita likhete hain……
zindagi ko dekha hai jab maine kareeb se…jaane pehchaane chehre bhi ab lagte hain ajeeb se….
sorry no double role..no terrorist…no muslim woman….donno what to do…:((:((:((
…..i’ll send the screenplay…though…
writer herself…how sexist?! :).nothing wrong with script doctoring per se …but when u r not famous or when u r new…script doctoring is not just ’sending your script to someone who understands scripts and cares about it enough to send you honest comments’…and what qualifies a person to cliam ‘ i understand scripts’..very very subjective …who will decide whats right and wats wrong , good or bad….sumwhere a power equation coms into play.
Thanks @ ansh, pratik, shripriya, om, t!, surya - am writing :)
vivek, tony - thanks. i tried to, didnt work for me :( so have to take life in phases but i do know people who take time out for writing while they handle day jobs - wish i could too - i can- but iam happier this way while it lasts. good luck to you with your writing as well.
@ rockstar - dude!!!!! listen….you make films dont you? don;t you think in film making we’ve gotta get used to the word ’subjective’ a LOTTTT!!!!! best way to write your own script is to be your own doctor of course - but i know what you are getting at - you write your script and the producer appoints a doctor you don’t trust, then what do you do??? hmm…
@ saurav - heyy..nice to see you here..hope u’l be logging on more and take time out to read, write and comment on PFC.spread the word.
and finally…MK - thanks :) you seem like a genuinely good human being. just dont take this personally bt i am not prepared enuff for an online collaboration yet.but then never say never.will remember you when the situation arises. thanks again and good luck.