GIFA AWARDS BREAKING NEWS

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GIFA AWARDS - KARTIK KRISHNAN - BEST ACTOR - AND AN INSIDER ACCOUNT

Ok this is the live breaking news that I have just heard … from the organisers of GIFA… and hence it deserves the longi-sh post….

For the next years’ GIFA 2007 awards .. I’m being awarded the best actor for my ground breaking - earth shattering- pant tearing - cloud bursting - crowd loving - and and .. watever … peformance in No Smoking !!! And yes .. it has been confirmed by the organisers .. just got the informer mail from them today morning :-)

My credentials you may ask ?? Damn you ?? How dare you not know that I happen to be in the film No Smoking in not just one but two spectacular apperances ?? You sunnovabitch cinema fanatic ?? Have u ever heard of classic cinema like Karan johar - Yash raj - Raakesh Roshan (who has got the award for outstanding contribution to indian cinema) ?? When was the last time u saw a manmohan desai film ?? A david dhawan film ?? Did u ever see a macho - original Hindi film called Fightclub - which was ‘DVD remade’ by Mr David Fincher (Sorry to let the cat out of the bag Mr Fincher .. but please accept it now !!!) with Brad Pitt and Edward Norton.

But of course, you have fed urself on Sai paranjape, Guru Dutt, ‘Mani Saar’, Hrishikesh Mukherjee, Adoor Gopalakrishnan, Shyaam benegal, Vishaal Bhardwaj, K Balachander type of ‘boring’/realistic/serious/dark cinema !!

And and and, lets not even talk about the grave sin you commit when u prefer foreign cinema - Tarchowsky, Kurosawa, Fellini, Truffout, Majid Majidi, Martin Scorcese and others !! YOU GODDAMN INFANTILE INTELLUCTAL - CINEPHILE- TURNED PFC BLOGGER !!! What right do u have to talk about cinema with me ??? What right do u have to talk about Awards to me ???

And when was the last time you added an extra ‘k’ in your name ??? My name has 3 of them already (’KartiK Krishnan‘) When was the last time you consulted a numerologist/vastushastrologist/astrologist/Tarot-Cardologist ??? A Gynacologist ??? (We all wanted to become one at some time point of time in life .. but let that go … its a foolish figure)

You havent done any of those what I’m talking right !!!
‘Its true its a pity, and its a pity its true’ (no credits for Shakespeares’ Hamlet. This quote is a ‘remake’)

BOOKS ??? Kafka, Dostovoskey , Ismat Chughtai, Manto, Prem chand, Shakespeare, Jhumpa lahiri, David Goodis, Jim Thompson, Andrew Vachhs, Barry Gifford, Chuck Palahnuk, Woolrich ??? Who the fuck are they ????

HAVE U EVER BOTHERED TO READ - ‘THE MAKING OF LAGAAN’ , the book ‘Lights Camera Masala’, the book on Big B, are you ‘Still Reading SRK’ ?? No no .. no u doomed realistic cinema seeking pseudo intelluctual. You ‘bastard child’ of commercial cinema !!!!

Coming back again and again to Me - Me and more Me , I have been gyming ever since I was born. My clear skin (read white complexion) and amazingly papaya extract norished silk smooth hair .. will give a inferiority complex to all the Ms Universes and Miss Worlds. I feed on a diet which if given to the innumerable children starving in third world countries of Africa (India does not qualify here !! thanks to the global melodramatic-song and dance routine of bollywood - India Shining), would make them from the thin and frail Deepak Dobriyal to omnipresent Adnan Sami !!

I don’t believe in taking acting training or theater, since I’m a born natural. I can say the word ‘Nahiin’ in 10 different voice modulations coupled with soul stirring expressions. Who the hell says I’m wooden ??? In fact even before I was born I had created a niche for myself. Didn’t you know that my father - Mr Khan is such a famous Hindi Commercial film maker so much so that the very mention of his name would leave crowds in a frenzy…girls would go wet and do anything to be in his films. Stars will cut down their prices .. distributors will lap his films .. producers would chase him to the loo !!!

By the way how my father is Mr Khan and I am Mr Krishnan ?? … Well well well how typical and uncinematic of you to ask that.. Dad is making another film on the same !!!! You see that is the story of our yet to be released classic.

Now that you have shut up …and all your questions are answered … listen to some priceless gems on cinema from yours truly … and the GIFA awards 2006 here and here

1. Best film was given to Lage Raho - since it is Vidhu Vinod Chopra … Omkara and RDB don’t qualify at all .

Omkara because of the cuss words (and oh ah .. in case you didn’t realise - we’re perfectly ok with Aishwarya Rai saying Fuck in Dhoom2 but we cannot have the words - Betic*** , Ch***, etc etc in a hindi film. Because English gaalis are welcome .. but hindi gaalis are not. Just goes onto show that we haven’t learnt despite of 400 years of British Rule)

RDB - We can never give an award to an Aamir khan film !!! Never .. even if he plays a peasant in Lagaan and in the same year plays a ultra mod yuppie Brat in Dil Chahta hai.

KANK and Krish are strong contendors … but KANK forces couples to go and affairs… Its very bold cinema …not good … Its bolder than RDB and Omkara …

Krish … yeah Hrithik Roshan deserved it …but we gave him Best Actor didn’t we ?? And his father got the
“Award for Outstanding Contribution to Indian Cinema” Ab ek ghar mein kitney awards kitni baari degeeny ?? After all Krish is nowhere near innovative Kaho Na pyaar hai (which won all the awards)

2. Best Actor - This had to be Hrithik … He just got married ..and recently became a father .. What better gift for him than an award ??? No discussion, Period !!!

Close contender - SRK for KANK. This time he explored darker regions of human face. How to shape the eyebrows like fishes … earlier they were tadpoles. He has progressed by ‘leaps and bounds’ (the miserable pun only half indented)

3. Best Actress - Bipasha Basu for Corporate ..
WE DESPERATELY WANTED TO GIVE THE AWARD TO KAJOL FOR FANAA OR RANI FOR KANK .. but alas !!! I came onto the jury
only later.. How I came onto the jury despite being awarded the Best Actor for GIFA 2007 .. is again .. a story left for Mr Madhur Bhandarkar to make a film on.

4. Best Director - Rakesh Omprakash Mehra
Why WHY .. WHY ON MOTHER EARTH WASN’T KUNAL KOHLI GIVEN THIS ONE ??? A Guru Dutt-ish tragi-drama like Fanaa didn’t get a single award ??? May be Kunal Kohli will not come to GIFA Awards next time !!! May be he’s going the Aamir way. Me to Kunal -”Don’t worry, If the national award commitee of last year is retained, Fanaa will still get a award for national integration. Remember your past record for Saif in Hum Tum ??”

5. Best Supporting Actor - Abhishek for KANK
Screw Anurag Kashyap !!! Who is he to talk about AB Jr’s performance in Yuva ??? AB Jr is the new stubbled-style icon - All of you readers stand up and emulate the GIFA , by doing a Sasthang Namaskar to the Bacchan khan-daan

Between - Deepak Dobriyal nominated for Omkara ?? Mr Anurag Kashyap - are you out of your mind ?? Since when did realistic razor sharp characters become award worthy ?? Deepak Dobriyal would win an award id he comes up with a different birth certificate. Giving award to Deepak ?? What Nerve of Anurag Kashyap ??? We do not entertain such frivioulous ‘ch****giri’ waaley ideas. “Please go back to the planet where you have come from !!! ”

6. Best Supporting Actress - Soha Ali Khan for RDB
Konkona Sen - please please please understand that you just had 6 scenes in Omkara. And that cannot be regarded as a supporting actress worthy role. No No Ms Konkona … At least not untill your mother takes you in a candy floss romance film set in Switzerland …. Despite your mother’s 36 Chowringee lane not winning an award for Jennifer Kandel, you still perform brilliantly in the hope of an award ??? Hahaha What a joke !!! You are only fit for National awards and not GIFA/Filmfare.

Soha - Congrats … This is a warning.. From now only do RDB type films. No ‘art’ films like Aahista - Aahista should be done …Otherwise you may become the next Konkona…

Alice Patten - I’m sorry to say we do not give awards to phirangs … If in doubt please read about Jeniffer Kandel again , 4 lines uppar ..sorry above !!!

7. Best Comedian - Tushar Kapoor
Good to see both the siblings making their marks in entertainment !!! If Tushar - you promise to be mute in all your forthcoming films, We promise to give u one day the best Actor award.

8. Best Debut - Upen Patel
Ranvir Sheroey, Deepak Dobriyal, …. they don’t have an NRI accent .. nor do they have modelling experiences. So they are disqualified. They have plenty of Theater experience by the way .. Our verdict - stick to theater or become an NRI.

By the way - If you want to know HOW THE HELL AN ACTOR WINS AN AWARD FOR A PERFORMANCE IN WHICH HE HAS NOT DUBBED, Go watch 36 Chinatown. This is what Cinema should be. And this is what awards are meant for…. And this is what Mr Vajpaye and Mr Modi meant by Pravasi Bhartiya Divas

9.Most Searched Actor on the internet = Shahrukh Khan
Most Searched Actress on the internet = Priyanka Chopra

One word - Wow !!!!

This takes the cake !!! How innovative .. Mazaa a gaya. What an amazing way to keep SRK Happy … don’t give him a power house award this time… but give a ‘most searched on net’ award ???

Oz says - Does Jemma Jackson stand a chance next time ???? After all shes also a ‘most searched pornstar’ on Net
I say (smoking a cigar and wearing a hat) - Tch tch … Send to her to my backyard .. and then we will do the needful ;-)

Ah ahah …

Now that I have blogged this .. will you please excuse me .. I have another champagne party to attend !!!

P.S : All comments to be taken with a pinch of salt. In case you are upset after reading this article .. remember I’m just a humble PFC blogger. May be this is just a case of, as Javed Akhtar says “moving from frustration/anger to cynicism/humor” For the more furstrated/angered version of the the award ranting .. click here.

20 Responses to “GIFA AWARDS BREAKING NEWS”

tushar on December 18th, 2006 3:34 am

roflol! =))

your post is more fun than the award selections!

my favorite parts:

You havent done any of those what I�m talking right !!!
�Its true its a pity, and its a pity its true� (no credits for Shakespeares� Hamlet. This quote is a �remake�)

By the way how my father is Mr Khan and I am Mr Krishnan ?? � Well well well how typical and uncinematic of you to ask that.. Dad is making another film on the same !!!! You see that is the story of our yet to be released classic.

I dont even want to think of these or any other awards, the last time I thought about the film awards in our country, i puked this:

http://passionforcinema.com/do-our-awards-need-a-face-lift/

and didnt sleep for 3 days
:((

simply un-justified..
Muzzy on December 18th, 2006 4:24 am

Right on the money as Tony Greig would say. Have been watching alot of cricket past 3 - 4 days.

Share the same feeling on Tushar Kapoor acting dumb in all his next movies. Arsad arsi did not stand a chance because he spoke too much in Lage raho. Shut up Arshad if you wanna win anything.
kaafir on December 18th, 2006 7:37 am

Hey Karthik,
I have been follwing PFC from the time u pasted a link of it in Anurag kashyap FAN club in Orkut abt the meeting the gods had in FTII PUNE by OZ. I have njoyed reading all ur posts. But the sarcasma n satire on johars and khans and yash raj are getting strecthed too long. I come here daily in hope of getting updates on NO Smoking, well … [ edited by Admin : Kaafir, you are advised not to publish personal details of authors or anyone else here ]… running around behind anurag in the night and we all hope to read abt ut conversations with the legend as I prefer to call him. We all know how goofed up the awards are probably more than the indian cricket selection comitee (shudnt say it today as we won for the first time in SA). If u can work so hard and at the end sit down to write a blog, the GIFA awards shudnt hav been the topic.

I m dying to read abt ur conversation u had with anurag the night u drank with him while watching PAANCH or the reviews of different movies u watched or the screen plays u read. All of us here can stop cribbing abt how worse the film industry is and start njoying wat the legend is doing with NO SMOKING.

This post doesnt mean to offend u, i njoyed reading ur article on GIFA but its not wat I want to read, guess u can understand and take it lightly.
kartik krishnan on December 18th, 2006 8:03 am

@ muzzy /Tushar - Thanks

@Kaafir -
thanks for following up my posts and happy to know u’ve enjoyed them.

’sarcasm on johars/chopras’ etc ??
It was just a post i wanted to say about it for quite some time … nevertheless .. rest assured, nothing similar would come up soon .. hopefully from me :-)

No smoking shooting was on hold in mumbai since the team was scouting locations in gujrat .. So unfortunately I didn’t have anything to write.

The shooting just resumed today morning…. and office or no office.. I know the responsibility I have to hard core readers like u . And hence, rest assured, juicy posts are on their way ….

I cannot disclose what all we spoke with Anurag that night .. since this is a public forum ..and I’m not sure if anurag would want all that to come on PFC/public as some of it is too scandalous about the industry. I hope u understand.

However, I do know how hungry fans can be, since I’m one of u … I want to know each and every thing about the artists I admire … For that.. we can discuss privately via mail /phone /tete-tete. Just check ur yahoo mail id…

Another thing, I humbly submit that I am an independent PFC Blogger and I happen to have views on other cinematic aspects as well. I’m not just a blogger blogging about No Smoking all the time. I happen to be a cinema hungry person who wants to learn as much of cinema as variedly as possible and share it with everyone. So expecting me to write about only No Smoking all the time, is somewhat unreasonable. Whenever I have visited his sets, I have blogged as much of in detail as possible… perhaps just like Anurag’s crew member. I don’t mean to sound rude/craving gratitude ..hopefully I’m not… but just put urself in my position … There have been days where I have come from sets all night and gone to office …and worked …and blogged in the evening !!!

I hope u understand
I reitarate .. whenever I’m on sets … I do blog ASAP…

Take care and do contact me …
oz on December 18th, 2006 8:30 am

Kaafir, the day true bloggers like Kartik, Manjeet, t! and many others start writing what “you want” and not what “their heart” wants to write… will be the day I’ll shut down PFC. :)
t! on December 18th, 2006 9:44 am

Kartik,

Thank’s for brightening my Monday morning!!!! This is freaking hilarious! You need to quit sleeping start writing more of your own stuff again!!!!

This came up in another post, and I didn’t get to respond to it, but Google published something last year that showed that SRK is the most searched for actor on the Internet in the world, even more than Brad Pitt, Tom Cruise, et al. My beloved is truly the King.

But, Priyanka Chopra?

Also, I thought this whole thing was fun parody until you brought up Alice Patten. Really, she and Konkona Sen were the two best women in Indian cinema this last year, and I will argue that Konkona had one of the best roles in International cinema this year. I am about to go off on one of my feminist rants, but need coffee first….

oz - you rock.
rbehemoth on December 18th, 2006 10:43 am

Oh btw u probably left out Anumpam Kher from Maine Gandhi Ko Nahi Maraa which btw has been ignored by EVERYONE(including us/u guys here at PFC) and which if not the best movie was amongst the better ones of the year gone by.atleast AK(Kher, that is) should have been nominated-if not won.
I wonder why all the self-proclaimed ‘new-age cinema’ lovers(read BLACK lovers of the industry-from Suneil Shetty to SRK) dint appreciate this or dint comment upon this.
Chaitanya on December 18th, 2006 11:27 am

Kartikji, any of your brilliant reasons why vikram chopra was awarded the best debutante director for fightclub?
OM on December 18th, 2006 12:15 pm

:)):))=)) Fucking amazing… This is even better than your Shiva review…lol!!!! Koi Taang Kheechna tho tum se seekhe….

We all are forgetting Anupam in Khosla Ka Ghosla…Or is it that an actor playing a old man’s character will never be considered for best actor…Had it been AB..we wud have seen a new category” Best Actor- over in 60’s category” … Ohh yeah if you didnt understand 60s doesnt mean the decade..it is age..idiots..lol!!!
kartik krishnan on December 18th, 2006 9:58 pm

@ Oz thanks :-)

@ T Your welcome …. anytime ..

Alice Patten - she was nominated .. but I’m not sure why a ‘gora’ (foreigner) hasnt won a popular award. I also thought Toby Stevens was amazing in Mangal Pandey … and Jeniffer Kandel in 36 Chowringee Lane. But neither won an award. This despite Toby being the villan in a Bond flick and Jenniffer being the wife of Shashi Kapoor.

Konkona is goddess !!! She can’t do anything wrong. I can’t fathom how she potrayed the Tamil Iyer Woman in Mr & Mrs Iyer … the rural woman in Omkara and the modern woman in Mixed Doubles…and she’s a bengali in real life !!! She is acting goddess as far as I am concerned. Nothing more be said (In fact it was for her and Irffan that I saw the dud -Deadline)

@Chaitanya - Kartikji says : these are the reasons …

Aahista Aahista = Slow realistic love story !!! We want bold/’different’ love stories like KANK, Jaaneman, Fanaa
Khosla ka khosla = Yeh kaunsi picture hai bhai ?? Kab release hui ??
Sehar = Again .. yeh kaunsi picture hai bhai ??? Kab release hui ?? Seriously … Kab release hui ??
Aahista Aahista = Slow realistic love story !!! We want bold/’different’ love stories like KANK, Jaaneman

Fightclub = Wow !!! Riteish, Dino Morea, Ashish, Zayed khan, Sohail Khan, Ashmit Patel, Sunieieieieil Shetty !!! Mindblowing action, Novel ‘bold’ concept … and to top it all the director of the film HAS A GOOD SOUNDING NAME - VIKRAM CHOPRA !!!! what more do u want from Indian Cinema ?? Move over Wachoskwy classic Matrix Trilogy, We have our own Wachowsky here in mumbai. In fact Wachowsky is THE VIKRAM CHOPRA OF HOLLYWOOD !!!

And now don’t u dare question the jury award members’ sensibilities again…

@Om - completely agree with u …. If AB had done MGKNM rather than Kher … the award would’ve been a ‘Critics Award’…
t! on December 18th, 2006 10:15 pm

Kartik - I could write an entire post about why a foreigner would find it difficult to win an award in India, and draw parallels to why people of colour don’t win awards here in the US in proportion to their output and talent. But, the post would be moot since I have learned in the last few days about how the awards work in India - connections and payoffs, being more important thatn talent…

I have the most amazing girl crush in the world on Konkana. Anything I ever say about her will be biased by this ;)
oz on December 18th, 2006 10:18 pm

- cough cough… just checking if anyone needs a Troll Cap here… seems to be quite peaceful here… over to the next post… :-”
OM on December 18th, 2006 10:22 pm

Oz..i guess you wont find that things here in Kartik’s posts…as my man knows how to be acidic and lace it with sarcasm and top it with humor…:)
kaafir on December 19th, 2006 12:22 am

sorry oz,i didnt mean to say tat to karthik, and the last thing i wud want is to make karthik to write wat i want, it was just a sincere opinion, i felt tat in tryin to blog abt the awards which r infact farce, we all r givin much to publicity to it here too,

now any sensible man wud know tat the awards given away in gifa were nothing but an attampt to market Malaysia as a bollywood destination and the organizers were tryin to woo the who’s who of indian film industry. now this was a business strategy and they had no intention to appreciate the more talented r deserving ppl and we by giving importance and by being critical of them r playing into their hands.

Oz, u had once asked Anurag in an interview whether he considered the OSCARS the peak of accolade tat he cud collect and his reply was an instant
“No, my dream is to sit across from Scorsese and serve him tea. That�s my ultimate dream. Scorsese is a big influence on me. I am a huge fan of Billy Wilder”.
Sangeeta on December 19th, 2006 12:46 am

entertaining to read especially when you put on all those fake accents and ooomph up the enthusiasm. I’d make a good compare - I should record myself and then broadcast it ;)
kartik krishnan on December 19th, 2006 12:54 am

oh welcome sangeeta …
so finally u found the time off anurag’s & rajkumars posts ???

@Behemoth - just read ur comment .. sorry i havent seen Maine Gandhi … Will do soon ..
Bro .. i was actually waiting for Anurag to comment upon this article … I cross referenced to him really dartey dartey !!!
Sangeeta on December 19th, 2006 1:15 am

Kartik,

Cheeky moose, I have time for everyone’s post .. don’t be jealous ;)

I like reading posts like this out loud so I tend to put them aside and dedicate more time to enjoy them ;)
vasanbala on December 30th, 2006 3:36 am

one of the best scripts for a stand up for any award ceremony. karthik i hope someday you are able to pull off such a script at some award ceremony on national TV.

After billy crystal i think this was one hell of a trip.

KarthiK Krishnan [winner...you are a sure shot blockbuster with the K3[!]]\:d/
Jahan Bakshi on January 16th, 2007 1:04 pm

WOW! WOW! WOW! This takes the cake!
avnish on July 11th, 2008 3:53 am

hi
frind

They are Bollywood�s hottest couple. Ranbir and Deepika are quite the contemporary actors.Deepika said thatI agrre with Mr Ranbir. Because there can be a big issue on that scene. Mr Ranbir has done well. Tere should not be any kind of issue on these LOVE BIRDS.have a Happiest Life to Ranbir Kapoor.Ranbir and Deepika will be seen together for the first time in Yashraj�s Bachana.

satyam

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