Hollywood Masala
warning : post contains profanities, rated language and graphical material, discretion is advised (”—-with a wicked smile 
—–” )
The 80’s were a great time not just in Bollywood but Hollywood as well, the amount of education(not just Philmi but practical as well) being dished out to the unsuspecting public was phenomenal, while in India you had Jeetendra giving you fashion and dance lessons, Mithun-da and Rajni Anna giving Physics lessons, back in Los Angeles guys like Chuck Norris, Jean Claude and their copycats were re-writing entire field manuals in the doctrine of armed warfare.
Although I missed out on that awesome decade on account of my age, years later Cable T.V and Doordarshan made sure that I didn’t miss any of those educational videos. So
here I am on PFC to dish out all that ancient wisdom which the current generation dismisses as a term called “cliche”. This is also a sort of reply to all those Rajni Anna and Mithunda bashers who keep singing paeans in Hollywood’s name. I guess most of them have never been treated to a sight of A la Chuck Norris or Jean Claude Van Damme walking down the street shirtless with a gun in one hand and the heroine in other. The following is a list of all these cliches that Hollywood has taught me over the years. I have classified the valuable knowledge into sections for the sake of better understanding.
Sex
- Heroes don’t need condoms, they seem to have a natural protection against all kinds of STD’s , biologists have been trying to get a sample of this blood for years to find the antidote but have failed in all such endeavors.
- Heroes have sex the way common people have water, whenever and wherever they want, getting a room isn’t a problem, even in the middle of a war zone.
- A hero is a combination of a sage plus sex machine and he can switch to any mode whenever he desires, he gets a hard on only when he wants to, even twenty lap dancers doing a pole vault on top of him simultaneously fail to excite him.
- At the end of a hot steamy night the heroine is covered in a satin sheet and you get the best satin sheets in the cheapest of motels/hotels which are again situated in the most improbable places. Compare this to our Bollywood where people have to make do with a cow shed on a stormy night with hay substituting for a bed.
- Sex ain’t sex if you can’t undress yourself or the other person in under three seconds, you always find cloths strewn on the floor and they stay ironed even after all this haste. (Now you know where they got the idea for wrinkle free). In comparison people in Bollywood never take their clothes off unless they are soaked to the bone.(Now you know why you need a thunderstorm/cyclone).
- It’s always the femme fatale who thanks the hero for a night of fun, the hero on the other hand thinks it’s his birthright and gives a philosophical stare in return.
- There is no kid at the end of a hot steamy night in Hollywood. Bollywood on the other hand always ends up with a unwanted kid and this despite the non-use of condoms in both cases, you are always left wondering as to what’s wrong with our biology or is it the satin sheet at work ?
Disaster/Apocalypse
- Big American cities are frequently attacked by monsters and aliens, especially New York. In fact New York has been hit by every known disaster known to man, you
would think that Americans would have vacated the city by now, but New Yorkers are a resilient lot. - The monsters and aliens love to destroy the American monuments, over and over again. Still, the Americans keep rebuilding them.
- All Aliens space craft have fancy light bulbs on their spacecraft which keep glowing unnecessarily and in random patterns.
- US gets the best of all natural disasters, while the rest of the world waits for them.
- Most of the disasters take place during the Christmas or Thanksgiving or the 4th of July weekend.
- There is always one dog which survives the attack on a city in which no humans survive.
- The US President is trained for all such eventualities and can always be counted upon to fight the Monster/Aliens even fly planes.
- The New York Taxi is the best chase/rescue vehicle in case of a disaster, forget the Hummer get your hands onto a new york taxi if you can.
- The hero never dials 911. 911 is for sissies.
- Asteroids are visible for long time over the skies before they strike the earth.
- Laser beams are visible in deep space.
- Only and Only the US Air Force is capable of dealing with Aliens, all others must bite the dust.
- You need a six-pack to save the world. The more good looking you are the better.
- On all NASA earth rescue missions you can have a maximum of one Russian per mission and he/she has to be grumpy.
Guns, Fighting and Car chases.
- It’s necessary to kick your enemy in a roundabout manner even if you can kick him straight.
- The police in US are badly trained and almost always miss their aim. Things don’t get better for their compatriots in India, they too miss their aim, esp if the hero is not an inspector or ACP.
- The ubiquitous .22 can pour out a higher volume of fire compared to the sub-machine gun when in the hands of the hero.
- The hero if he’s in the law enforcement business never wears any uniform, in fact he prefers to wear a Levi Strauss or Gucci while going to work. Uniform is for the sidekicks.
- The Bollywood Hero has revolvers which may contains upto 100 bullets, his Hollywood compatriot on the other hand (though he runs out of ammo) carries upto a 100 cartridges, mostly in invisible pockets.
- A bullet in Bollywood makes a typical “dhiskyaun” sound while in Hollywood it sounds more like a “bang”. You wonder if it’s the climate of the countries which is affecting the perceived acoustics.
- You can kill the enemy by shooting him in the stomach, the same doesn’t work for the hero.
- A car always explodes when it’s hit by a bullet from the hero, but never if the hero is driving it.
- Police cars always end up having the most serious amount of damage even though they see the least amount of action.
- There is always an old lady walking with a trolley in the middle of the road when the hero is about to catch up with the villain and the hero manages to dodge it in time.
- Pedestrians are a Hollywood specialty, they are always the most agile people on the planet. You can safely drive a mustang at 60mph on the sidewalk and everybody on the sidewalk will always manage to dodge it in the end.
- When the hero is in a crisis center there are always a hundred people waiting for him to say, “Ok let’s take down this son of a bitch” or something similar, and they immediately get up and start doing something.
- Seat belts are for sissies, the hero drives without them and nothing ever happens to him.
- If there is a shining new car in the middle of the road or highway start feeling sorry for it right away, because it’s gonna blow up into a million pieces.
- There’s always a car waiting to be stolen when you need one, there is always an unsuspecting fool who has left his car with ignition on and keys inside and almost always he/she is talking on the phone without noticing it.
- No one ever runs out of gas (even in long car chases). Corollary: every stolen car has a full gas tank and gets great gas mileage.
- If ever there is a shootout you can expect to see more bullets than there are raindrops in Cherrapunji.
- Villains can always count on a gas tanker to come to their rescue in case they want to make a getaway.
- The hero can park anywhere even in the middle of the city, parking space is for sissies.
- Villains from the middle-east wear loose clothes and drive dusty cars, even if they are in New York.
- The hero always arrives before the SWAT team, and somebody was complaining that Bollywood police comes in the end.
- To dodge a bullet all you need to do is run straight.
- If there is an impossible jump to make, chances are that you will make it.
Bombs
- Bombs are again a Hollywood specialty, there are always two wires blue and green which need to be cut at the last second to avoid a blast and the hero never finds out which one is it till the last moment, you would think that after 30-40 years of doing the same thing the hero would learn to diffuse a bomb but heroes are a dumb lot.
- All bombs come with big red blinking LED lights and LED Timers to aid the hero in diffusion.
- All bomb explosions cause the people around them to move in slow moving arcs towards the camera.
- All bomb makers have a wicked sense of humor and do not forget to put the message “Ka Boom/Goodbye” on the display before the bomb goes off.
Computers and Hacking (This one’s my favorite)
- All sensitive material is always kept on the desktop and almost never locked or encrypted even if it is locked, the password is easy to crack.
- To upload a virus all you have to do is type, “upload a virus”.
- Any type of malfunction is always represented by a spark or explosion in the circuitry.
- Robots are more intelligent than human beings but can never save people, corollary : only dumb guys get to save others.
- The power grid/switch board is always located at the most inaccessible place in the world, the basement of the building or the top floor and it takes a daredevil to go up to it and switch it off.(most of the times it’s blown up instead ).
- Heroes never face compatibility problems and any kind of file is readable on any kind of system. Corollary : there is a universal file format for all computers.
- Networks in movies transmit data at incomprehensible speeds, even ordinary telephone lines can transmit at close to 2Gbps.
- All computers come with a big red button which stops everything.
- Viruses can create smoke and or destroy circuitry.
- Hacking is really easy if you are the hero, and you always have a nerd kid around to do it in case the hero is busy.
- You can hook up any display to any input device. Fuck the engineering involved.
- All cellphones are capable of receiving all kinds of signals, and can show any kind of image, no need for a display or an antenna.
Horror/Gore
- Ghosts seem to have a special liking for American Teenagers, who are shown to be the dumbest in the world.
- The hero always gets a hard on around the heroine when they are surrounded by a ghost and gets hacked as soon as he starts to fuck her. Corollary : Ghosts too want to get a hard on before they kill.
- One special blonde is always spared the blade.
- You always have a video cam recording the events in a ghost house.
- If a couple is riding in a car on a desolate highway it is supposed to break down near a haunted motel.
Miscellaneous
- If you wake up in an Intensive Care Unit, the first thing you should do is tear off all the sensors and drips that are placed on your body and then scream and walk out of the hospital, beating up everyone who tries to come in your way, no matter how weak you are.
- If you are weaker than your enemy, you will definitely win.
- You always get a nice table in the busiest of restaurants at a moment’s notice.
- You always get to have sex with a hot crazy blonde before you get the chance to realize your love for your gal.
- In the future, all cities will have REALLY high buildings and cars that fly in lanes and somehow never seem to need to stop for traffic signals or fuel. Also, the “ground level” will be full of slums and homeless people and dirt all around.
- All the super heroes of the world , only look after one city and the villains somehow always attack that city.
- India has no TV or Cable and people have to sit in front of the Taj Mahal to listen to the President of US of A. Same is the case for other countries, people in France have to sit in front of Eiffel Tower and people in the Middle East have to sit in front of Mosques.
Well that’s about it from my side for now, will post more if I find any, anyways I am expecting countless more in the comments section .
I dedicate this post to OZ’s eternal “Torture series”. Missing those dearly.
Special thanks to my friend Axay for providing me with some of the gems here.
Tags: Analysis, Chuck Norris, Hollywood, Mithun Chakraborthy, Movie List
Anurag Kashyap
Abhay Deol
Dibakar Banerjee
Hansal Mehta
Khalid Mohamed
Kundan Shah
Anish Kuruvilla
Jaideep Verma
Manish Gupta
Navdeep Singh
Bhavani Iyer
D. Santosh
Onir
Ashvin Kumar
Ramu Ramanathan
Sudhir Mishra
Pankaj Advani
Revathy
Saurabh Shukla
Shilpa Shukla
Sujoy Ghosh
Suparn Verma
Santosh Sivan
Shashank Ghosh
Shivajee
Pavan Kaul
Partho Sen-Gupta
Prroshant Naryannan
Sam Langoria
Satish Kasetty
Very funny, enjoyed the list!! You seem to have had a lot of time on your hand for putting it together. It’ll take me 2-3 readings to go through it all. And, i don’t want to miss a single one.
LOL! Hilarious stuff. Man, and here I was reveling in the thought that only my town was privileged enough for a Tamboo ka Bamboo screening!
Barring the metros, all the district level towns and cities in North India are regular home for such movies. This has increased significantly in 21st century.
Finally, i read it all. You saved the best for last
India has no TV or Cable and people have to sit in front of the Taj Mahal to listen to the President of US of A. Same is the case for other countries, people in France have to sit in front of Eiffel Tower and people in the Middle East have to sit in front of Mosques.
Good stuff :-)
Armageddon, isn’t it? Hilarious stuff.
This observation seems to be based on few selected movies, while some of them are really cliches like the police car blowing up etc. which have been used in many movies, not all of them are correct.
*JCVD did his movies in 90s, not in 80s. As far as I remember these observations doesn’t apply to his movies Sudden Death, Hard Target, Double Team, Time Cop, Derailed, Universal Soldier, Bloodsport, Cyborg etc. Should have included Arnold Schwarzenegger as well.
*Cops wear uniform. Detectives dont.
*Six packs have not always saved the world there have been enough geeks and scientists too in the movies who have saved the world.
*Most of the observation seems to be based on Independence Day. In that movies the reports of alien attacks have been there in other countries too but since it was an American movie they focused on America. In other disaster flicks like Daylight, Volcano, Dante’s Peak, The Perfect Storm, Twister they deal with local natural disaster which may be anywhere in world but then in america, they’ll focus on American cities. In Day After Tomorrow, it was global disaster which was all over the world. We do see snowfall in Delhi.
*In American monster movies they attack on American cities i.e. New York. I recall only Godzilla and Cloverfield though. Other movies like Deep Rising, The Mist, Tremors etc. dont use New York. King Kong was brought up from jungle to New York. So it’s not like it chose to attack that city. Even low budget monster flicks are not based in new york.
In Korean movies they use Korean cities while in Japan it is Tokyo. Isn’t it good because I’m sure, if Bollywood makes monster movies they’ll shift it in some phoren city.
*Bombs are diffused at the last moment. All movies use this phormula, that’s what we call edge of the seat thriller.
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Anyway, let people enjoy it, no more nitpicking.
I agree bout JCVD…he did some movies in late 80’s as well, but mostly in 90’s yes….
Brilliant. Good fun.
“All the super heroes of the world , only look after one city and the villains somehow always attack that city.”
Exactly. Villains attack when there is superhero around i.e if there is no superhero city is safe and sound and as soon as superhero enters city attract all kind of troubles.
And teenagers are all supposed to be rebels in their families and drug/ciggarette abusers.
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In case of an overseas military operation, there’s only one man (the hero) who can go in and execute it successfully. In this case, conditions are such that the hero has to go alone. This hero will of course refuse first, and at the third meeting, will agree to go, solely for the sake of the movie. Sunny Deol’s act in Gadar is no match for all the stunts that Rambo can pull off, really!
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In case of police mafia, there will always be a jerk LAPD, who will win in the end, when the snobbish NYPD will invite him to join, wherein the hero refuses of course
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Brilliant stuff boss!
Brillianto! Loved it. Lemme join the party. Offhand, the cliches I can think of, or rather some impressions I get from Hollywood:
Everyone’s parents are divorced
All elder siblings are bullies and younger siblings are pests
Most heroes in some profession (cops especially) are alcoholic
Awesome. :thumbsup:
A try from me -
1. American girls’ IQ is negative at the beginning of movie. It gradually increases & eventually reaches 200 in the end.
2. Every horror movie has to have a kid who does changes his expressions & has suffered badly from his/her surrogate parents.
3. Local police hates FBI, FBI hates CIA, CIA hates NSA, but NSA does not hate anyone – as they don’t have any feelings.
4. All nerds have curly hairs, thick glasses, & knows sex only through Porns.
5. All aliens are smarter than human race, & somehow some tom, dick, harry (after running for 1:55 min) fucks them in the end.
6. Bollywood actresses only show skin & talk about love, peace, family. They don’t know anything else that goes on around.
Very entertaining stuff. Keep’em coming albeit in small packages :-)