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I’m not concerned with greatness because it is usually inexplicable, almost always inimitable, and for the most part inscuziflageheifapermejandable. Also, it is conventional and collective wisdom that one must suffer for greatness. I have a remarkably low threshold for pain, emotional or otherwise, and don’t particularly fancy being the starving-cynical-great artist, aka the Pyaasa types.

Competence and merely good will suffice.

I made a live-action short film a little over a year ago based on my screenplay The Gumshoe. It sucked camel’s hairy balls and sent me into a year-long bout of rage and self-loathing, which ended in introspection and plenty of good ol’ fashioned heave ho.

I asked myself, what are the qualities of a good director? I know I am sorely lacking in quite a few now, but can it be acquired?

In the time honored tradition of “those that can’t do, teach” that has served the Syd Fields and McKees of the world so well, I would like to share my knowledge with you and get rich.

Read on if you would like to become a good Director in 9 EASY steps. All you need is attitude and positive thinking. Working hard is for chumps. This easy to use guide is available at your nearest chaiwallah for $39.99, but wait! For a LIMITED TIME only, you can receive the hit guide How to write Naach-Gaana along with this purchase for a donation of only $19.99. That’s two great offers that will set you on the way to the next blockbuster and critical acclaim, all for ONLY $19.99. Order online NOW. Offer valid while supplies last, or we can always re-print or email it to you.

Donations may be made to PFC.

1. Get a good Editor

Have you made the donation yet? Ok, read on.

One of the privileges of being a Director (always upper-case the first letter) is the ability to take credit for others’ work. One must pick with care though. A lot of people contribute to making a film, like actors, DP, Production Designer, heck even the screenwriter. But, their contribution is usually easy to decipher even for the most uneducated audiences. You have heard comments outside a theater such as, “no storyline,” “nice sets,” and my favorite “good camera work.”

The Editor works behind the scenes, and their work is visible only when they don’t do a good job. Awards such as Oscars for Editing are usually a joke, not because they don’t deserve it. The only way to judge editing is to see the mess of raw footage that was shot, and the finished film. That would be asking too much of the Academy, so you the Director can take all the credit with impunity.

These days, a lot of iBook-toting-punks are called editors. You know the guy/lady that goes from home to home mending torn bags, clothes and assorted hosiery? Get them. They have the aesthetics down, and all you have to do is teach them to Drag & Drop.

2. Intent

Let’s take a step back. The Director has been anointed a true-blue artist and genius in the 20th century. Directing is a combination of the artistic, the technical and with a good dose of leadership required. I will refer to Directors in the male gender as I can count successful contemporary female Directors in one hand. He has displaced artists of other canvases, rockstars (after rock died, the emo-pussy-whiners of today can hardly be called rockers) and hiphop moguls as the eminent cultural icon. Some of it may have to do with those damn French and their Auteur theory. I yearn for the day when the world stops crediting the French with so much cultural capital that anything they say or do is automatically considered cool. It is easy to see why fresh-faced youts enrolling in film school want to become Directors.

I attended an open house at the NY Film Academy, and the speaker started with this statement, “I do not believe in talent.” In a sea of pimples, several eyes sparked. Yes, they too could become filmmakers without any talent. All they had to do was acquire knowledge, which the speaker droned was available to all of them. He failed to mention that he was the enrollment officer, and that they accepted everyone unless their check bounced.

Over the years I tracked these folks to see how many of them still wanted to be Directors. The attrition was predictable. Most weren’t willing to stick it out and opted for stability, some accepted crew positions and others found work in telly; and still others wanted nothing to do with the movies. Why?

Because they were in it for the wrong reasons. They wanted to make good cinema, had personal stories to tell, they wanted to change the world, they followed in the steps of their heroes, glamour and money, or they liked hearing the sound of their own voice giving interviews. All valid, but none good enough. There is only one reason that will get you there.

Power.

You have to crave it, lord it over others, and go to any extent to attain it. You must be willing to juggernaut others, just to prove a point. I’m paraphrasing a Springsteen song, “I shot a man once, just to watch him die.” Because, the act of making a movie is an exercise in power. Control the crew, the actors, and the guy holding the purse. Imagine a young Spielberg leading a unionized crew of old-timers on a boat in the middle of nowhere and coming back with a blockbuster. People need to know who holds the stick, and willing to use it. If you don’t get your panties in a twist thinking about breaking someone down just because you can, you won’t stand a chance.

Many established Directors talk about collaboration, taking suggestions from the crew/actors etc, and naïve newbies take it to heart. Once you have power, and you have demonstrated it amply, feel free to create the illusion of humility.

3. Casting

Let’s get down to the nuts and bolts. I have read over a 100 Director interviews, and they all say the same thing. Casting is 90% of the job. That is not entirely true, but we’ll play along. If you are an established filmmaker, and have your choice of cast, one of the surest ways to prove your genius is to cast against type. This makes people think that you have vision. That’s easier said than done. Allow me to elaborate.

Make up and props are often good substitutes for acting. You know your lead can’t act, or used to be able to act and does not care to act anymore. Simple solution. Put a wig, or mask on him! So, there’s an action hero. All you have to do is cast him as a sensitive poet. But, that fickle and sometimes discerning audience is not easily fooled. You have to go the extra step for the audience to buy your ruse. Give him a cane and a limp, and the transformation is complete, and you have a blockbuster on your hand. Or you can cast your heart-throb star lead as a stone-cold killer. Don’t forget the grey hair dye. That’s acting.

When it comes to women, you have less leeway. Your only option is to cast the Madonna type as a whore/slut/modern woman. There are precious few of the saintly left, so act fast. Unfortunately, the reverse is not as effective unless your goal is gales of unintended laughter. You can not cast Ms. Sawant as a timid, bharatiya naari in small town India. Same goes for casting Tara Reid or Denise Richards as nukular physicists.

The other casting trick is called a Coup. Say you have a father-son acting duo; you can cast them as, wait for it….. father and son! This may also be extended to brother-sister, husband-wife, sister-in-law/brother-in-law. Imagine the permutations and combinations possible with the great Indian Extended Family. You are set for at least 10-12 movies.

In the rare instance, an entire family may be cast. People point out several flaws in Sarkar Raj, but I see only one. Sarkar’s wife is some Marathi actress and not Jaya Bachchan. Completely unbelievable, making it hard for the audience to suspend disbelief, and get involved in the story.

I am also surprised no one has made a movie called The Kapoors starring, Rishi, Randhir, Karisma, Kareena, Ranbir, Shashi, Karan Kapoor, and whoever else is still alive from that Khandaan.

Or you can make a movie called Khandaan starring, wait for it…., all the Khans.

You are probably frustrated with this bit of casting advice. It’s like one of those How to be a Millionaire self-help books. They always ask you to get a million first! Bhainchoth, mere paas ek million hoti to tera book kyon khareedta main?

So, you are an up-and-coming up&comer and you don’t have access to these stars. You must resort to the Comeback. Remember the star that was briefly popular and had their time in the sun and are currently appearing in Nothing? Cast them. People are so tired of seeing the same faces that they will welcome the change and these folks are unemployed so will be happy to work. They may even pay you or produce your film.

There’s also a sly emotional manipulation angle to it. The audience will remember the face, associate it with their youth and other rose-tinted nostalgia, and entirely forget how horrible that actor’s films were. Memory works in funny ways, and you have to make the audience’s collective amnesia your friend. If it’s good enough for Tarantino (Willis and Travolta in 1994), it will be good enough for you.

People that are ripe for the picking – Puru, Pancholi, Chunky, Arvindsamy (as villain no less), Shotgun, and Rajesh Khanna. Women are conspicuous by their absence from this list as no one wants to see a hag. Two eligible ladies, Kajol and Madhuri, have already made their comeback to mixed results. That leaves, Raveena and Karisma, but they may have been gone too long. Karisma is also saddled with her younger sister slutting it up on screen, which will serve as a constant reminder that she is the didi, meaning old. Raveena ko mobile laga. Jaldi.

What is mobile number?
What is your style number?
Na na na nanana, what is my favorite number?

Sorry, that was me dancing to the sound of Cha-Ching from your generous donations.

Check back for Volumes 2 & 3 where I guide you through Vision, Communication, Referencing, Directing the Camera, Directing the Actors, and the most important words an auteur can utter, “————— plays a character in my film.”