If Hollywood Script Gurus Came To Mumbai!!
Hi Folks,
This is pure fiction and any resemblance to any human beings is purely coincidental and unintentional.
So with increase globalization and Hollywood entering Bollywood with mega flops such as Saawariyan and Marigold, two of Hollywood screenwriting gurus, Syd McKee and Robert Field decided to come to Nana Nana park in Oshiwara to conduct a workshop for scriptwriters. But this was one with a difference, it was by invite only and only established and upcoming Bollywood types were invited. The following is an extract of what happened in this class:
Robert: So let us start with the Logline, the “what happens when?” response, which get’s the attention of the script analysts in the studio right away, what do you think it should be?
Farah Dance and Copier Gupta raise their hands. Syd is impressed.
Syd: These two constantly give hits in Bollywood, they must know it all. Go for it….
Farah (Nonchalantly): The hero’s 8 pack.
Gupta get’s up and by hand motion rubbishes Farah’s response.
Gupta (feeling full of himself as if he is about to make the declaration of the decade): Logline biddu,…….
hands make the classic director’s focus sign (which if you are not a qualified director you make all the time)
Gupta: THE MOST EXPENSIVE FILM EVER MADE.
McKee begins to say something, but Fields points at the newspaper article about all the moolah ($, Rs) coming from Mumbai and both smile a fake smile.
Syd: Ok never mind. Now we come to the next topic which is required to win your script in the 5 minute pitch contest…the working title. Before I get into it, I would like to see some responses on how you guys decide what title to pick…..
Before he can finish two hands go up, Karan Kashyap and Anurag Johar.
Mckee smiles, these are two dashing directors of Mumbai, he motions to them to respond. Karan get’s up to speak, adjusts his clothes, Anurag also get’s up, there is a quite tension in the room, who will go first. Syd senses that, motions to Karan that since he got up first he should respond.
Karan (all smiles): The name must always be with K and it is determined by my numerologist….
A loud clap is heard at the back, followed by some choicest four letter expletives…..
Karan looks back and smiles and then seeing the shocked look on Robert and Syd’s faces, puts them at ease.
Karan: Oh don’t worry, that is my numerologist cousin Ekta Cooper.
At this time, Ekta get’s up continues to give expletives and then walks up to both Robert and Syd and slaps them hard and walks out of the room. Robert and Syd are shocked, other’s in the room react as if it is “just another day at work.”
Now Anurag get’s up.
Anuraag: Since I hadn’t answered, I am trying to reach the West, so one way is to borrow from the West and get inspired by the tiltes there, hence you’ll have Thank You For Smoking, I have SMOKING, you’ll have Black Beauty, I have Black Tuesday….simple and easy. But he, Karan, he has no logic in his title….
Karan looks snobbishly in the other direction.
Karan: I refuse to acknowledge that allegation. You can check with Gauri Klan and Shah Rukh Klan, that I always use the K logic in my K denominated Klassics. But Anuraag here, he just takes from the west, it is all about loving the West.
At this time, the class has become a war zone. The people are gravitating towards the two Camps, sorry Kamps. One heading towards Anuraag the other towards Karan. The only person in between is Politician Kher, he does not know or rather wish to take sides here.
McKee and Field are very worried.
Then suddenly Anuraag walks towards Karan. Now there is even more tension.
Then suddenly Anuraag and Karan hug each other and stay hugged for a couple of minutes, actually a Kouple of minutes. Then without a word being told they go back and sit down respectively.
Suddenly singer Pali PrahamBut breaks into a song, from the movie SECRET, “yahan dosti, dushmani, dushman yahan dost hain…….ye shahar hain aman ka…..”
MCkee (Red faced): What the hell is that?
Pali with his ponytail dangling: It took me by surprise too when I moved here from Africa, but a song is an integral part of our script and stories.
MCkee is left open mouthed. Fields decides it is time to take charge and steps up to the challenge.
Fields: Ok let’s go to the next part. Where do you get your ideas for you script? It should generally be from your surroundings…..
Here Suresh Butt blows smoke rings at Fields and McKee. Then with his cigarette in his hands, he rubs his forehead and then blows smoke again…..
Fields: You got something to say….
All in the class motion to Fields to keep quite, cause the MASTER thinker,is thinking.
All: In Bollywood loud shouting, blowing smoke and rubbing your forehead are signs of intelligence and Suresh Butt has a lot of it since he is from the most prestigeous college is South Mumbai, called St Xavier’s….
MCkee has done his research…
McKee: Yes but he is a BA from there, just like Sunil Kapoor to get into BA you need 37%…..
Suresh Butt (Loud): I hate Hollywood, Bollywood hates Hollywood the only time I use Hollywood is when my boy’s and girl’s that is my top notch scriptwriters have to steal the story, scene and concept from Hollywood and we have a room in hotel Sun n Sand, which has video monitors that do just that, so that is where I get my ideas from…..but I have Hollywood.
At this time there are two men sitting at the back. One is without a shirt. He is Emotional Khan, sitting next to him is a tall lanky man, flanked by tall lanky cops, he is Emotional Dutt. First Emotional Dutt gets up
Emotional Dutt: It is always your house and your surrounding that give you the script ideas.
Saying that he snorts cocaine.
Both McKee and Fields smile for the first time.
Both: Yes , yes my man you have something here…
Emotional Dutt (oblivious to his surroundings and looking lost and sleepy): And that is why I always get my ideas from my two homes, the one in Pali Sill and the one in which is provided by the governement, sometime in Mumbai, sometime Pune, depending on where the real estate for iron rods and white kurtas is doing well…….
Both McKee and Fields have no idea what he is talking about….
At this time, Emotional Khan suddenly springs up
Emotional Khan: I second that. Whatever Emotional Dutt does or says I second that, i also follow his occasionally to his second home, but they send me to midwest India (sounds distressed). I also get ideas from my surroundings, hence wildlife, especially Black Bucks and American Express Cards, oops I’m sorry American Express Bakery products, have a profound influence on my mind and scripts….
Now Fields has lost it. He has had enough of this.
Fields: What crap are these two guys talking about….
At this time it is time for some real life drama. Emotional Dutt grabs a TK 27 gun and Emotional Khan starts to send countless SMS’s to both McKee and Fields threatening them.
Both McKee and Fields freeze up. Seeing them frozen, Khan and Dutt feel embarassed, then both smile good naturedly
Both (in Unision): We are basically emotional!!!!!
All: In Bollywood lingo it means do a crime, behave like a jerk, but still be called a nice guy because
All In Unision: We are basically emotional!!!!!!!
The moment they are done speaking, McKee and Fields make the fastest dash to Sahar International Chatrapati Shivaji Airport. Last seen they were heading to LAX.
At this time actor of yesteryears, Patriotic Kumar comes with two bikini clad damsels.
Sings loud “Meri desh ki dharti……..”
Enjoy and have a happy 2008 folks and take this in the right spirit, it is meant to provide some mirth and nothing more.
Sincerely,
Vivek ”they came, they tried to change, but they got changed in the process, welcome to Bollywood, Hollywood…now get ready to change that’s right Hollywood I am referring to you” Kumar
Anurag Kashyap
Abhay Deol
Dibakar Banerjee
Hansal Mehta
Khalid Mohamed
Kundan Shah
Anish Kuruvilla
Jaideep Verma
Manish Gupta
Navdeep Singh
Bhavani Iyer
D. Santosh
Onir
Ashvin Kumar
Ramu Ramanathan
Sudhir Mishra
Pankaj Advani
Revathy
Saurabh Shukla
Shilpa Shukla
Sujoy Ghosh
Suparn Verma
Santosh Sivan
Shashank Ghosh
Shivajee
Pavan Kaul
Partho Sen-Gupta
Prroshant Naryannan
Sam Langoria
Satish Kasetty
@OZ,…how do you do this u omnipresent being ? …reminds me of the Phantom comics
Njoyed readin Vivek … Nice one !!!
hmmm. there is serious tumour in your humour buddy but what the heck keep it growing!:d
i dont understand why people write such pakau articles.
so we can get pakau comments like yours, amit.. sorry, komments.
“actually a Kouple of minutes.”
) gold.
it was hillarious..:d…hey folks can u help me out with this info….what is yesteryears hindi film character actor raj kiran doing these days..is he alive..?…has anybody heard of him…help me..
Don’t want to sound derogatory, but that is actually the dark side of Bollywood. To me it does not matter I have dignity of labor, as long as a person earns what they make, they have a right to hold their head high, but the strong rumor was that Raj Kiran was actually seen driving a cab some years ago. Not sure what happened then. Again this is not to deride him or his fortune, we all have our ups and downs in life.
|-)
Ekta Cooper!
“In Bollywood loud shouting, blowing smoke and rubbing your forehead are signs of intelligence and Suresh Butt has a lot of it since he is from the most prestigeous college is South Mumbai, called St Xavier
Vivek,
I hope you were joking about Raj Kiran…. He is working in South Indian movies…
Nope,
That’s why I used the words “strong rumor ….,” I’m not privy to either Raj Kiran or his friend circle, but that is what I had heard.
If it ain’t true then I am very happy for him and may he continue to thrive in South Indian films.
@ Vivek,…Hi There ! When are u coming to Mumbai ?
Very shortly Playback, my film funding is on the doorstep and I will be finalizing the contract any day/hour now, so the moment it is done, mumbai here I come to get all the actors and director contracted.
And of course to run scriptwriting classes :d and make enemies :((
:D
All Power to U ! And a Very Happy New Year too !
Do keep me posted
Absolutely sir, I may have a new mobile, but I still have your old tel number and this time I won’t “not show up,” will be there, except no drinks please, let’s settle for some healthy chai/paani or let’s meet over a jog/game of tennis. My aim is to spread the mission of fitness for 2008. Happy New Year to you too, although feel apologetic about being a Mumbaite, after that disgraceful incident in Juhu on New Year’s.
Vivek….nothing controversial about it:( am tad dissapointed…hey by the way isn’t Anuraag a single A like Anurag… congrats for a film funding.. better make a good film …
Nah ! No drinks ! …The Juhu incident is a shame. Even if they get the guys our law will ensure they get off real easy ! Its a bailable offence anyway…
Btw,…what makes you think I am SO “into” drinks ? :-? :P
Pay back..am very disappointed with Prithvi, I went there all the way so that you become happy and ten minutes late they didn’t allow us entry….am going to raise my voice against this injustice.. :d
@Suchita,…Ya rite !
…you should have stayed on for the 9pm show ! 
…There are 2 shows today as well !:P
arre 9pm only am talking about…9:10 and that jerk who sits outside.. that asss….. didnot let us enter…
@ Suchita,…well,..yeah,…they are very strict at Prithvi. But its good for the performance. Why dont you try to turn up on time today ?…Its worth it !
Actually that is right on the punctuality at Prithvi. Last time Barkha was there so since she had performed there as part of IPTg, she did warn that the entry should be well before or they won’t allow. No offence Playback, seems to me all of Mumbai and Delhi is more into drinks and smoke and coke than all of US put togehter, again not a moralistic statement just an observation, I couldn’t care less, by granddad drank and chain smoked, my mom and dad drank and I do neither (well other than a glass of wine every two weeks). Suchita, next time I’ll go to Juhu and start slapping everyone:). Will that be controversial enough??
:)
Vivek, please go to Prithvi and do that, thatshould suffice:d so next time you coming we going to Prithvi…
@ Vivek,…U dont wanna mess around with anyone in Juhu ! :P …Have u forgotten the “Rambos” in Mocha ? :D
Pay Back once was suffice ya….can’t please you everytime…:d
Actually more than the Rambos, the cutting chai of Mocha got to me. I suffer from lactose intolerence and there was too much dudh (whole fat) in that chai and then ditto for the chai in Prithvi, let’s just say, I was out of “action” for a long time thereafter.
Sure Suchita, Prithvi is my favorite place, can go there every day, day after day, then again I need to step into the “non creative world” too, but a regular visit to Prithvi is just what the doc ordered.
@Suchita…oh ! You went all the way to Prithvi to please lil ole moi ? :D I am touched ! Now how about going there to please yourself ?
I second Vivek,…sitting at Prithvi Cafe is my No 1 time-passb idea !
boring
boring article,commendable effort[same to you sanjay leela bhansali :@]
listen about this sitting in prithvi thing how many people actually awnt to meet fart around and discuss cinema feel free to e-mail me at venkat.vivek@gmail.com
dont worry i wont molest/eat youl im all of 18 and harmless.