Kidnap: A Test Of Character
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Unknown to a lot of us, the Department of Comparative Cultures in the Inter-galactic University of Earth Studies based in Alpha Centauri keeps a close eye on the Hindi film industry by periodically sending their brightest students over to Earth. This weekend saw Kuda Vitaran Bojh Dohak – Prithvi (KVBD-P) aka Waste Allocation Load Lifter – Earth (or Wall-E) make a quick trip to catch the latest big releases, namely, Kidnap and Drona. We, at PFC, have managed to get a copy of the notes that she was writing for her class assignment and Prof Jan B.K. Shukla was gracious enough to translate those notes into Earthspeak. This is breaking news stuff and we’re glad that, for once, we have taken the mickey out of India TV on alien reporting.
The following text is translated version of the notes. We found that KVBD-P was actually designing a test based on the movie Kidnap. Please note we aren’t accountable for how an alien writes her impressions of a movie:
Alien Test Paper on Kidnap
Date: 02/10/2008
Place: Earth
Author: KVBD – P
Roll No: 4elog(22)
Introduction:
Who Sanjay Gadhvi? Did a quick check on this guy
Gadhvi background: The guy who made those movies that we watched in the 3rd semester course titled “Uday Chopra: Our Undercover Boy on Earth”. Remember how the women in our class started driving mobikes and collecting his (Chopra’s) pin-ups in the holidays that followed.
Gadhvi motto # 1: Truth above Life. Didn’t shirk from claiming that Hollywood copied his movie Mere Yaar Ki Shaadi Hai and released it as ‘Maid of Honour’. Spoke truth about Chopras and Baby B too.
Gadhvi motto # 2: Cleavage above Truth. A picture speaks a thousand words. A cleavage speaks a thousand pictures. Therefore, 1 Cleavage = One Million Words
Test Paper Starts:
Q1.
The opening credit sequence of the film could be considered long-drawn because
a. It was about a time ‘long’ gone by and it had sketches which were ‘drawn’, so ‘long-drawn’
b. You thought the movie had ended by the time they ran through the sketches
c. Visual guesstimates suggest that more ink was spent on sketches than the script
d. Pictures were used instead of thousand words. But a few cleavages could have reduced the number of pictures used
Q2.
How do you identify the mother in this film?
a. Search for a character who says “maine aaj tere liye gaajar ka halwa banaya hai”
b. Look for someone who says “Ma agar apne bacchi ke liye jaan de sakti hai, toh Durga ban kar jaan le bhi sakti hai”
c. Someone who competes with La Lamba on the cleavage front
d. When you have eliminated all possibilities (Sanjay Dutt, Imran Khan, Raj Zutshi, La Lamba), whatever remains, however improbable (Vidya Malavade) is the truth (or mother)
Q3.
Which of the following seem to you as the most likely successful plan for kidnapping a young woman?
a. Abduct her when she is returning from the college on a fine evening
b. Write to her a poem about your desire to kidnap her and hope she falls for it
c. Turn yourself into an Ichchadhari Nag and enter her bedroom and then do what all self-respecting Nags do
d. Wait for an average day in the girl’s life – she leaves her home in Bombay, travels to Mauritius, slips into a white bikini and takes a dip in the sea. Plan to be in Mauritius in advance and lurk under the water. Pull the lady down and use Chloroform under the water to overpower her. Summon your magical boat out of thin air once finished and row away from Mauritius to Bombay
Q4.
Imagine yourself as a young lady. How would you know you have been kidnapped?
a. You are stuck in a place where there’s no Facebook or Orkut access
b. Your cellphone is running out of charge and the charger’s gone missing
c. Your hands and legs are tied and you aren’t playing Doctor Doctor in college
d. You wake up to find you are no longer in the sea in a white bikini, all the exits are barred and there’s a guy preparing chai.
Q5.
You’re in downtown Mumbai and you receive a call from someone who’s kidnapped your daughter who asks you to be at Panvel station in 45 mins. What would you do?
a. Call your friend up in Panvel and ask him to be your proxy
b. Write a letter to Raj Thackeray who knows a thing or two about stopping trains
c. Tell the kidnapper that as a ‘townie’, you won’t like to be even found dead in Panvel
d. Drive a Merc, steal another car, leap into a catamaran and finally chase down the train on a bike before jumping into it
Q6.
You are a kidnapper and you find that the father of the kidnapped girl has stopped taking your calls. As kidnappers go, you are gregarious by nature. What would you do?
a. Keep trying and send requests to local radio stations to play ‘Jalte Hain Jiske Liye’
b. Call the customer service helpline of your provider and lodge a complaint
c. Send emails and start spamming his mailbox
d. Head to his home and reconfirm visually that he is deliberately avoiding your calls. Then enter one of the bedrooms of the house and make a call to the father to show that you watched Darr as a kid. Then, as the enormity of your own stupidity sinks into your head, make a dash.
Q7.
You are a kidnapper and you have the father of the girl in hot pursuit (after your entering the bedroom of the house backfired as shown in Q 6). What would you do?
a. Run in a straight line as fast as possible and hope that you have greater stamina
b. Try and find a moving vehicle and hitch yourself to it
c. Engage in hand-to-hand combat and overpower the father before making an escape
d. Adopt the vertical strategy. Whenever you find a ladder, scaffolding or rope, use it to go up. Then watch the father of the girl take the elevator to reach you, in which case, jump down. Once on ground, run till you find another scaffolding. Continue in loop till eternity
Q8.
How do you get a convict out of a prison?
a. Send a DVD of Shawshank Redemption to the convict on his Happy Birthday and hope that he gets to watch it
b. Send the original Stephen King book on the next happy birthday if the DVD above was region incompatible
c. Follow the Mithun approach: Get into the prison as a member of a nautanki and smuggle the convict out
d. Ask your wife to call the prison posing as a Human Rights activist. Let your wife drive an inconspicuous looking truck (Human Rights activists ka favorite vehicle) with you hidden in police uniform within it. As your wife grills the jailor, you throw water at the electric mains to plunge the prison in darkness. You enter into the convict’s cell and stay there till your wife drives away. Then you step out and put the kitchen on fire which engulfs the whole prison. As the fire brigade gets in, you overpower two firemen, wear their uniform and make your escape in the fire brigade truck. (p.s: This is performed by professionals. Don’t try this at home)
Q9.
You are the kidnapper and you want to play the cat and mouse game with your victim’s family. You decide to throw clues their way. What kind of clues do you give?
a. You leave behind cryptic clues, zodiac signs etc which require deep understanding of numerology, semiotics et al
b. You leave behind biblical references about seven deadly sins
c. You write unfinished dialogs from Kanti Shah’s movies (“Naam hai mera Bulla, …)
d. You write Hindi nursery rhymes including akkad bakkad bambai bo and insert words which will give your game away but the dunces in victim’s family will not get it anyway
Q10.
After you have finished the kidnapping escapade and earned your revenge, what do you do to keep yourself busy?
a. You stand for local elections
b. You appear in News programs as expert on internal security
c. You write a script for a TV series titled ‘Kis Desh Mein Hai Mera….Kidnapper’
d. You join a software firm and spend your time browsing websites and making random comments
How to score yourself:
Please use these marks to score yourself: a = 1, b= 3, c= 7 and d = 10.
If your total score is:
0 – 90 : You’re an alien. You have failed the course on Comparative Culture
90 – 100: Comparative Cultural Cognoscenti. There’s some hope for you.
100: You’re Sanjay Gadhvi! Take a bow!!
Tags: Day, kidnap, One, Overcome, Question Paper, Shall, We
Anurag Kashyap
Abhay Deol
Dibakar Banerjee
Hansal Mehta
Khalid Mohamed
Kundan Shah
Anish Kuruvilla
Jaideep Verma
Manish Gupta
Navdeep Singh
Bhavani Iyer
D. Santosh
Onir
Ashvin Kumar
Ramu Ramanathan
Sudhir Mishra
Pankaj Advani
Revathy
Saurabh Shukla
Shilpa Shukla
Sujoy Ghosh
Suparn Verma
Santosh Sivan
Shashank Ghosh
Shivajee
Pavan Kaul
Partho Sen-Gupta
Prroshant Naryannan
Sam Langoria
Satish Kasetty
Main Sanjay Gadha-Vee banna chahta hoon. I have scored 100. Ab batao ki application kahan pe daalna hai sirjee.
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Awsome!!
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It seems that all of you were mentally prepared for crucify him!
And now the time has come!!
anyway…excellent review!
:-)
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@Subrat,
Sir, Question paper syllabus se bahar ka hai at this stage.
But given your competency in handling these aliens and extra celestial objects, why we dont try something Ala Contact? a wise and Jhalasable film should be made.
In the territory of Q 8 if they cant manage for Shawshank’s redemption’s DVD they could try searching for Escape from Alcatraz also. they will get similar education on how to come out of a high security prison.
So how Boy has turned out from being “Cute” to a “Character”?
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jai ho subrat bhaiyya ki…
even i got a 100 without watching kidnap..
now thats not because i am sanjay gadhvi
but because ive seen dhoom and dhoom2….
by the way sir i have heard rumours that the aliens in MBA programmes have dhoom and dhoom2 as case studies….
is it true?
also is it true that Mr Sanjay Gadhvi is a guest lecturer over there..?
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“Roll No: 4elog(22)” rofl …..simply awesome …and i scored 100….does that mean i get to direct dhoom 3 ….
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YUPPPPYYY…i am sanjay gadhvi
From yesterday, Gadhvi is my new found idol, mein sanjay gadhvi banna chahta hoon!!!!
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ROTFL
Incredibly hilarious as usual …. made my day Professor Ji 
)
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This is scoop stuff. India TV is very jealous :-)
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1-a
2-d
3-b
4-a
5-b
6-a
7-a
8-a
9-c
10-d
Total = 43
Result = Alien
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AWESOME!!!!!!!
still laughing……lolz
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ho ho..fantastic..bollywood is really lucky to have such intelligent film-makers like Sanjay Gadhvi..!! After reading the fabulous script,i’m sure the producers never had a second thought before deciding to finance the film.
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Ab toh Kidnap dekhni hi padegi! I mean I was planning to skip it but THIS! After this one I have to watch the film. Why? To appreciate this piece better!
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SOMEONE PLSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS FORWARD THIS TO MR GADHVI
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OHHH AND MARK A CC TO SHIBANI BHATIJA
AND A BCC TO PROFESSOR SAAB !!!
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hilarious! truly funny!
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Looks like..Kidnap is the must watch comedy fillum of the year..
Simply Howlarious Subrat !!
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Subrat..do not write such compelling articles..it makes me do the unthinkable…WATCH “KIDNAP”..:D..
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Awesome… ROTFL!!!
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“you know what pisses me off…jab koi mujhe bevkoof samajhta hai….”
Vikrant Raina – after he was subjected to this test…
“go to hell….”
After Raina was told he failed the test…
“Hell is right here Raina…..”
RaTS bOY TO Raina. Raina is stunned….
Rats – “Main tumhara “kal” hun”
Raina – “kal ka aab tak saaf nahi kiya?”
Rats – “too much Hindi Raina…some Deadpan English..”
Raina – “Net Worth 57.3 billion”
Rats – “mamujaan….next is what??????”
Raina and Rats Boy are locked in the same loo for failing the test. They keep staring into space zero.
A knock on the door. A Samsung mobile is thrown at them. They put on the new Karaoke feature..and sing along happily forever.
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If certain films made can inspire such write-ups, well, they should be made then…:-)…
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One chair. One Room. No one looking. I see Proffesor’s article. I fall off chair. I recover. Sit down again. Read once more. Fall off again. Big Decision time. Will see KIDNAP. The cause of such erudition. Sanjay Gadhvi on his way. To Bangalore. In search of Subrat. To garland and give cheque. Subrat enables week 2 of KIDNAP. Covered by Planet Bollywood News. Subrat all smiles. Aliens happy.
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Just imagine Goldie (drooona) and Sanjay makes a film together
“kidnap Drona” …taaki hum log dekhne se bach jaayen
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Subrat, This post has got me excited me for two reasons – The first is that you’ve confirmed that Aliens do exist ( outside of TV news studios ). Secondly, they’re just like us, apparently they also can’t do without Hindi films-good or bad.
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Subrat,
That was hilarious. After Dhoom 2, Gadhvi is under the impression that the India public is dumb, so he can get away with anything.
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Fuck man…this is awesome! Am sure Sanjay Gadhvi spent lesser time writing the whole script.
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Cant stop laughing ….
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It was the biggest filthy cinema i had watched in this year….completely ridiculously……your post is hilarious …..
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KIDNAP :- A full packed torture to watch : Ramlaal Kasturimat “Raina”..
awesome question paper to take, covering full syllabus..
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One of the funniest reviews I’ve read.
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We have already invested(?) so much on cable & satellite just to enjoy BOX hit ‘Saas Bahu’, what’s a big deal about Kidnap. In fact I am curious about Kidnap II now.
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