Oscar Awards Ki Amar Dastaan
I have long been hearing that this year’s Academy Awards will have an Indian tadka. But I was a disbeliever. How do you say that, I would ask? And, I would be given the story of how Rahman and Sukhwinder will kick-off the show with ‘Jai Ho’, the fact that the mostly India cast would walk the red carpet and that Resul is tipped to win. I would hear it all and would again raise the question – so, how does all of the above become Indian tadka? I mean how can you hoodwink an Indian about the smell of his own tadka? All of the above are as much Indian tadka as Moroccan tajine.
But I revised my opinion last evening when a most Indian thing happened in the run-up to the Academy Awards.
A leak.
Yes, that most Indian of phenomenon. Leak. Till date, a term reserved exclusively for question papers of UP civil services, AIIMS, Bihar Railway Recruitment Board, Cabinet meeting discussions and extra-marital affairs in Bollywood has now been inextricably linked with the Academy. This looks like it is going to be an Indian night at the Oscars. This conviction was further strengthened when I learnt who the auditors were for the Academy – PriceWaterhouse Coopers. Ha! Only two people in PwC, apparently, know about the winners and these two people are housed in extremely protected environment till the award night. How beautifully does that fit with the two PwC partners housed in Chanchalguda jail in Hyderabad! Now all we need is to find that Maytas were the official sponsors and one can be assured that the Academy has turned Indian with a vengeance.
However, the Academy has a lot to do if it were to decisively grab the billions of eyeballs in India. I slept with this thought (and little else) last night. This morning, as I groggily slurped on my filter coffee, I found a mail from the Academy in my Inbox.
Dear Sir,
(strictly confidential)
We, the authorized representatives of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, Beverly Hills, California, need your esteemed help in a matter concerning the future of humanity. We would like to annual awards night (popularly referred to as Oscar Awards) to be rightly positioned for future. This necessitates an increased visibility and awareness in China and India. Since you are an acclaimed thinker from India with a wide following, we would seek your guidance on helping us solve the India conundrum. We will come to China later.
It would be stating the obvious that your efforts will be suitably rewarded. We would also gently remind you about the delicate nature of this assignment and the natural desire that we have to keep within a close circle of confidence. We thank you in advance for keeping this mail to yourself and look forward to your formal assent in this program of ours.
Our Social Cravings Are Repressed.
Your etc,
ACADEMY
The request looked fake to me till I reached the last line. ‘Our Social Cravings Are Repressed’ – why that’s the check for authenticity of an Academy mail! As Professor A.T.M. Yadav had once explained to me that all genuine Academy mails have a last line that reads OSCAR when you take the first letter of the words individually. Like, ‘Only Safe Cinema Are Rewarded’.
This looked like a job right up Prof’s alley but he was away. Warner Brothers had contracted him to do the research for Chandni Chowk to Africa. WB can’t afford another Lord Buddha controversy and alienate the Nepali audience like they did with CC2C. With Prof in the deep jungles of Congo last week and dining this week with Somalian pirates, he could hardly be asked to take this up. So, I decided that I will have to put a temporary halt to my thesis on ‘what qualifies you for a slot in Dancing Queen on Colors’ and devote my considerable talent to the Academy’s future.
It turned out to be a tougher task than I had imagined. It took me the whole of this morning to complete my response. Though exhausted by my exertions, I am proud of the strategy I have developed.
As usual, PFC readers will have the exclusive opportunity to read it.
Dear ACADEMY,
Thank you for your mail and I am pleased to accept the assignment. The terms and conditions of this response might have already reached you by now from my law firm. I trust you will be fine with them.
Having put that behind, let me come straight to the heart of the matter – your desire to crack the India conundrum and grab eyeballs in India for Oscar Awards Ceremony. This is a wonderful desire and the Miss World Contest organizers had already embarked on this journey almost a decade ago with the help of yours truly. I must also congratulate you on some bold steps that you have taken in the last one month or so to win the acceptance of India. Notably, the ‘leak’ of awards list and including Yuvraaj’s script into Oscar library have shown you in very favorable light amongst the populace. But one swallow doesn’t a summer make. So, I have outlined nine steps for you to help unravel the India conundrum. These are not necessarily sequential in their implementation.
Action 1:
There is nothing ‘strictly confidential’ in India as you have so pleaded in your mail. ‘Strictly Confidential’ is anti-democratic. Therefore, I have decided to publish your mail and my response on PFC simultaneously as you read this. If you want your awards to be popular in India, you must ensure that the audience knows in advance who’s winning and who’s not. No shenanigans about only two auditors knowing about it, etc. Though I must commend you on your choice of auditors. They are a household name now in India.
Action 2:
I see that you are working to have a title sponsor in your awards ceremony. This is clearly a huge break in tradition for you. But, you seem to be a bit out of touch with reality in India. You can longer have a Gutkha company as your primary sponsor. Ambumani Ramadoss, our Union Health minister, will have you for lunch. No, the real estate companies are all taken by IPL. So, what choice do you have? I would suggest that you think out of the box. Instead of the corporate world, look at the political parties. Mayawati, the CM of our most populous state, is also one of our largest individual tax payers purely on the basis of income received from gifts. How about having her as a sponsor? We can call it ‘Mayawati ka Mayajaal’.
Action 3:
Please remain flexible on the number of categories that you give away awards for. How much does it cost to add another category, really? Most Romantic Male Lead Wearing Formal Trousers With Sports Shoes is a legitimate category. So is the Best Female Performance In Her Husband’s Directorial Debut.
Action 4:
Please make it clear that the key entry criterion into the nomination list for the next year is a ‘free’ performance in this year’s award. Otherwise, tell them to go find themselves a Citizen Kane (oops! That didn’t win either).
Action 5:
Always have Rekhaji present an award else she won’t show up. That would mean no opportunity to show her and Big B in the same frame. Avoid this at all costs.
Action 6:
Get over this obsession with time and punctuality and don’t drown acceptance speeches with music if they exceed the time limit. Time is Money? First learn to manage your banks, bailout packages et al before changing the currency to Time. Time is Space for Indians. It is indeterminate, stretches endlessly and can’t be atomized. So, please let Madhur speak.
Action 7:
This whole business of a finite number of Academy members voting to determine the nominees smacks of elitism. How do they know better than the guy in Mughalsarai or Mewar? Tie up with the Chief Election Commissioner’s office and have a democratic poll. Mayawati’s grassroot workers will take care of the rest.
Action 8:
Stage manage one fight during the award night. Indians always fall for that one. Imagine Brad Pitt walking out in a huff after losing to Mickey Rourke in the most popular actor category and finding back home that he has left one of the kids back at Kodak theatre. What’s worse the one hanging on to Angelina’s shoulders is actually Dev Patel. That is real drama else the audience will switch channels and watch “Naaginn – Waadon Ki Agni Pariksha”.
Action 9:
Ensure Vilasrao Deshmukh is among the audience. Else, the local cops don’t believe it’s a film awards ceremony.
I would stop here and let you ponder over these actions. Do let me know if you need any help in implementing the above.
Lastly, since we are only a few hours away from this year’s ceremony, please ensure that our genuine talents – Gulzar saab, Rahman and Resul win this year.
The replicas of Oscar statuettes are already being manufactured in Ulhas Nagar. If Rahman doesn’t win the real one, Pritam is going to take home the replica for sure. Then, don’t come to me singing Marjani Marjani.
Thanking you,
Subhchintak
Tags: jai ho, Manikchand, Oscars, winners
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Haha, Insanely Funny read! :] :]
Too good
Priceless !! This post deserves an Oscar :D
Especially liked the Best Female Performance In Her Husband’s Directorial Debut Award ;)
Hilarious…and to correct you it’s PriceWaterhouse & not PriceWaterhouse Coopers.
PW is what you call them in India.
I work with a business channel, SATYAM or the reverse name – MAYTAS is a breaking news stuff for me everyday :-D
Well I liked Mayawati, CEC, Rekha & Brangelina part :-D :-D :-D
This is hillariasly funny….true state of Indian own Oscar stature pseudo intellectual award called Filmfare
bloody funny, awesome..
Awesome! Loved the main Indian Tadka (Leak) and Time is Money…
Hilarious!!! Keep it up…
Along with Vilasrao Deshmukh, Amar Singh(omnipresent wherever camera is) should also be called.
Last heard, someone standing outside AB Baby residence and waving to aishwarya rai(didnt know that it was Amar Singh in garb who was waving them back).
Awesome man! ‘Ekdum se funny’
You forgot to write about the hosts, or was that intentional?
Huge jackman having a verbal go with Spielberg or somebody! and with all that K serial special affects!
:P
Subrat ji, hum aapke fan hain. And what was that ‘Most Romantic Male Lead Wearing Formal Trousers With Sports Shoes is a legitimate category’. Fuck. You are a goddamn genius!
LOL! Good stuff :D
Had belly ache after reading that..really funny..
if this is what only subrat can think of, imagine what wud hv happened had Prof. ATM Yadav been available, instead of being in Congo / with Somalian pirates….
Prof. Yadav, Indians r already missing u…we want your comments on the Oscars…
hahaha. funny!
Great read!!
Man sitting at office staring at this stupid computer.Your article just made my day.
Bow to you.
i am gonna die laughing.
Fantastic, really really funny, thanks!!!