“Mark” No. 1
[Note: This is pure fictional. Most of Hindi films, the PFC articles and, erm, authors have been an inspirational, for this. If you find this offensive, cheap or crass, then I can only apologize. Just read it with a pinch of salt. ]
So there were four guys, no actually, there were three men: Dopey, Sutra and Wicky; and one woman: Chammiya. They all were passionate-cinematic-freaks; all day and night they just watched films and talked about it. The group had a special ability to watch any kind of piece of shit for hours and hours. The love for the cinema, that particular trait and desire to make it big in the industry have kept all of them together for a long time.
Dopey, as the name suggests he is a bit dopey. He wants to become a director. But there is a thing, that he never thinks about actually directing anything; he just thinks about ideas that can be made into films and then he goes into his own dreamy world where he thinks his film is going to win an Oscar for him. Also he takes his diggy camera with him to everywhere – especially when he is sitting on a bog cos he wants to capture all those face expressions and struggles (no, no he ain’t going to capture you know what. That is sick!). He believes that when critics and audience get into a criticizing mode they do not look at how hard a director had to work to make the film, so he will put a footage of those collective expressions on the net when he will get criticized for making a shite film, to win a few pity votes from them. He thinks about a day after tomorrow but tomorrow. That is Dopey!
Sutra is a writer – a lazy writer, to be precise. He will only write when he is in the moment and feels like it otherwise he will just watch films. Like most of the writers he is frustrated and that is expressed in his language. The guy cannot express his opinions about movies without saying, “this movie fucked my mind”, or, “this gave me umpteen orgasms”, or, “this film is mental/visual masturbation”. Fortunately, he has some decent manners, so…… He tries his luck with Chammiya but she just ain’t an easy target.
Now Chammiya is the only bird and that too a fit bird in the group. So you can imagine what the guys would be dreaming and drooling about. But she is stronger than rest of the guys, so every-time if anyone of ‘em misbehaved with her she would make them cry like a little kid. She is a tough cookie (to get). Her dream is to become the greatest actress to come out from India. And she does not want to get messed by the industry but she wants to mess them up. Not literally, though!
Before you start making any presumptions regarding the spelling of ‘Wicky’, you should know that he is not into astrology or numerology so he has not changed the spelling of his name according to that. But he is like Wiki. He knows everything and likes to blog it, so he can get a lot of accolades and teach others about new movies, etc. He is an actor after all; likes to show off his traits to the world. He watches all of those movies in a hope that one day he will get an opportunity to imitate all that, i mean, he learns acting from those movies so it would be helpful for him to get a break in the industry.
Anyway, one night after watching a film, in Sutra’s word: “This movie fucked me mind by giving me an orgasm and a mental/visual masturbation, that blew up straight to me head”. In other words, all of ‘em were in awe of the movie and they were inspired so much that they decided enough is enough – lets make a film. They were in the zone – they worked out the story /script, etc in a day. Sutra got so excited that he wanted to start making the film from now… But there was a problem – no producer within them.
Sutra: Why don’t we ask Ganja Bhai to produce the film?
Wicky: No, he would bring a lot of hassle with him i.e. get this stars and babes.
Dopey: How about we get Chammiya to do a striptease for him and…
Before Dopey could finish his sentence he gets a slap from her.
Sutra: Not a bad idea she could do the striptease to the song Deedar De or…
Now Sutra gets a slap from her.
Wicky: tut-tut, you guys have some respect for her… how about in two-piece… salaam-namaste song and Dopey can capture that in his diggy for us…
Yup, he gets a slap from her.
Wicky: I meant we can send it to the producers and directors, so you will…
Yup, another slap. But all of them are still drooling, so she kicks them where it hurts. That stopped them from drooling but their mind went ‘cuckoo’ with that.
That is when Chammiya thought of Mootar Singh – sister of Gabar Singh. Apparently, most of the bhai’s are infatuated by the Mootar Singh. It is a fantasy that they live in. So they thought about scamming him and so they studied him for a week, to find:
1) Where he keeps all the stash.
2) How many people are around him.
3) And when is he wasted/high/stoned.
Also every-morning the news-paper he reads was fabricated…. a latest news on Mootar Singh making a bhai mootar(piss). So now the bakra(victim/mark) was ready to get….. He was convinced that there really does exists Mootar Singh.
They got the costumes ready and swords. Chammiya would play Mootar Singh, obviously, and the guys will be her ‘hijdas’(eunuchs).
It was about 1400 hrs, that is when Ganja Bhai is a bit high, so he does not keep gun with him and there is only three bodyguard with him.
Mootar Singh and her Aadmis break into Ganja’s Aadaa.
Mootar Singh: Ganjhee (Baldy)..
Ganja Bhai: Abeeeeh, it’s Ganja, not Ganjhe!
Mootar Singh: From today you are Ganjhee. Now listen to me carefully Ganjhee, these three Hijdes of me were bhais like you, but now they are….
Ganja Bhai: I am not a wuss like ‘em. Instead, I will make you my bitch.
Mootar Singh: Don’t fucking argue with me! Or I will chop your…….. Now tell your puppies to drop the gun and give me all of your fucking money, if you still want to be a bhai!
Her voice was enough to make Ganja Mootar.
So they get the money, then tie all of ‘em up and run away to the film location of their film. From that money they bought all the gizmos, hired a few technicians and actors.
The film was completed in a month or so. Now they were looking for a distributor who would distribute the film. And also, Ganja bhai found out that he was scammed by these four passionate-cinematic-freaks. So he was after them.
Anurag Kashyap
Abhay Deol
Dibakar Banerjee
Hansal Mehta
Khalid Mohamed
Kundan Shah
Anish Kuruvilla
Jaideep Verma
Manish Gupta
Navdeep Singh
Bhavani Iyer
D. Santosh
Onir
Ashvin Kumar
Ramu Ramanathan
Sudhir Mishra
Pankaj Advani
Revathy
Saurabh Shukla
Shilpa Shukla
Sujoy Ghosh
Suparn Verma
Santosh Sivan
Shashank Ghosh
Shivajee
Pavan Kaul
Partho Sen-Gupta
Prroshant Naryannan
Sam Langoria
Satish Kasetty
Brilliant article! :d/
JMD – Manan Singh KATOHORA
Kya Goonda Bhai, back with a bang!
Loved the flow in this one. Pretty intrigued to know if its part of a screenplay, or is more coming…..
nah. tusharbhai, i was just bored and did not have anything to do, so just…. and i am just trying to learn how to write.
By the way, any criticism is welcomed. And I am not going to blog the footage…:-\”
When do we get to see the conclusion?
i have not thought of it yet… unfortunately.
Ha ha ha …goonda..good time pass. in the middle of every kind of heavy stuff about all those filmmakers whose names i cant remember and cant pronounce n spell them….it was great fun. do continue…waiting for the distributor now!!
phoenixnu bhai, koshish karuga ke.. i come up with the conclusion. i have got the spine of it but i cannot think of arms, legs, etc. so it will…..
anyway, it is also a spin-off of most of the pfc authors (including me)
Dearest Dopey,
I tried to read it, but gave up before finding out what Sutra did… There might be some good ideas in it – I hope there are. This shouldn’t discourage you, but I always say to you and wish that you would just improve your grammar… It’ll make the world of difference.
I recommend the book “Eats, Shoots and Leaves” by Lynne Trusse to help you on this..
Otherwise, I think you wont be talking to me for ages for saying this.
Cheers
Bhaiiravi Didi
xx