MUMBAI ACT 3 – Part 2 – CHOICES
After the return to Mumbai and recovering from the illness, I’ve been on the look out for that sense of achievement – something that defines who I am at this stage.
As the year began, my first instinct was to pitch some written work for television, mostly because it is meant to get good money and reaches an audience directly – but that doesn’t seem to be my medium yet or maybe I am a bit distanced from that audience. The only television I watched recently was when I was on the sick-bed but now that I have recovered and have been back at work those memories grow weaker.
At the film writer’s conference in December, I got talking with Ms. Deepti Naval who offered me some work to assist her with so I finally got my first paid work after returning to Mumbai. She’s directing her first feature and I have been assisting on a documentary she wants to make.
More than anything, I’ve had the chance to work with a wonderful woman who’s been kind enough to support me through her mentorship at this crucial stage and also with her feedback on some of my writing work.
But restlessness doesn’t let go this time. I have to do the most I can each day, keeping a check on my health. So, I finally chose to steal a few hours every day and get onto the stage in Mumbai, for the very first time in this city, with the ‘permission of my parents’. I walked into Ekjute theatre’s workshop, almost instinctively and now have chosen to continue with the group.
Here too, I get to learn from a wonderfully strong woman, Ms. Nadira Zaheer Babbar. When the group is not rehearsing, we are a lucky audience to her storytelling; how she almost magically moves from myth to legend to history to reality – with irreverence and conviction, keeping the audience engaged, reaffirms my faith in story-telling as an art that needs to be learnt and preserved. I struggle with it myself, but I am happy at least I get the opportunity to learn.
I am happy; but the restlessness will not let go till I reach an audience as myself.
Till then, patience and a certain calm.
As I rest my mind a bit to ‘refuel’ I thought of stopping by at PFC to put down some of the thoughts about writing/acting that have been going on in my mind over the last couple of months.
To me, writing and acting seems to be made of the same purely emotional substance, either you internalize your observation and pour out in words or you externalize through the body and voice – in each case there is the mind and soul at work.
WRITING – REWRITING
Writing is about pouring out your soul, your own emotions and relationships as they are or you imagine they were – you may create character names but you know it is you or someone you observed closely.
Writing is about letting go off vanity, not succumbing to the body, appearances et al, because you won’t need to, writing is a soul thing.
I might grow fat, unkempt, undesirable while I write but yet I write because I must.
Writing is finding alternative desire – anything it takes to get words on paper – food, music, travel, heartbreak, conversation.
Writing is about getting naked – in mind and soul through your characters, stories and words, so that your own emotions reach another human being personally, maybe somewhere far away in another world and if you are honest, they connect.
Writing gives me power to speak out the truth for its own sake.
Writing is with me, when there is no one else.
Writing is beautiful.
ACTING – REACTING
Acting is as much the control of emotion as much as it’s about the ability to physically express.
Acting is about endurance – physical, mental and emotional –about sweating it out when you need to, enduring the chill if required, enduring physical pain, challenging yourself to physical perfection or finding strength in your own imperfection.
Acting is surrender to the character you live. Acting is also letting go off vanity when needed or perfecting it, if required.
Acting gives me applause. Applause is love. Applause is care.
Acting gives me power to hold an audience captive to my emotion.
Acting is the power over my own emotion.
Acting is relating – giving and taking in relationships.
Acting is ‘being’ and there is no greater joy than that.
Acting is special.
LIFE
And somewhere between Acting and Writing is ‘Life’ – in its pleasure and pain and it’s on this tightrope that I must walk.
Now where do I go from here? Attempting to walk on it forever and the chances of slipping arise – moving on one side and the other distracts …
Must I choose only one?
As I type this, I am very well aware, at this stage, in the public space I am regarded as neither – my writing is still only on the computer and myself – well, I have only just stepped out of it. But what matters to me is that I am convinced that I have learnt. All I have to do now is choose – who do I live as?
If I am honest about how I feel, this dilemma should be a common one, so please share through comments and I might find the answer I am looking for, although I know I have to find it myself and make my own choices at every stage. Be honest and blunt, I am strong enough to survive criticism.
Whatever choice I make in work ahead, I remember and I always will that there is no ‘acting’ without ‘writing’ even if your improvisation is a story, felt in the heart and written in the mind.
Anurag Kashyap
Abhay Deol
Dibakar Banerjee
Hansal Mehta
Khalid Mohamed
Kundan Shah
Anish Kuruvilla
Jaideep Verma
Manish Gupta
Navdeep Singh
Bhavani Iyer
D. Santosh
Onir
Ashvin Kumar
Ramu Ramanathan
Sudhir Mishra
Pankaj Advani
Revathy
Saurabh Shukla
Shilpa Shukla
Sujoy Ghosh
Suparn Verma
Santosh Sivan
Shashank Ghosh
Shivajee
Pavan Kaul
Partho Sen-Gupta
Prroshant Naryannan
Sam Langoria
Satish Kasetty
wah! mazaa aagaya padhke maadaaaaaaaaaaam!
Kya Baat Hai!!!
It’s the ultimate dilemma, one that I’ve been facing since the last year myself…what am I really …a writer…an actor…am i both…am i really both?…coz I also feel, though i’ve started working, that my writing, is closeted…and..my acting…well…one play old…and still learning…yet…the beauty of the two art forms, if I may venture to call them that, is that…they are both as intrinsic as breathing to me…the only thing I feel i am capable of doing…so, it just connected me , to this post…kinda read my thoughts out aloud to me…great read smriti.
Smriti- that was really a very honest post.Keep it going – both on the writing & acting front.May the force be with you
great post smriti. i hv a dilemma too, but a bit dft. mine is abt writing & directing. my job allows me the liberty to indulge in both. I have been writing for a long time now but of late i had 2 very enriching yet taxing experiences of directing. once i m done with writing, i feel very very elated & satisfied, but after i was done with directing what i wrote, there was a lot of dis-satisfaction & angst. while directing there are so many things at play, but when i m writing i m the ONE, the CREATOR. while i was directing a pre-school kid for the film, she threw up on the camera, while i was writing everything was serene, seamless… perfect. i m in the process of making a choice – to either write or direct. but the khalbali in the khopdi ki jhopdi is such that the debate is never-ending! my 2 experiences when i have written n directed left me ashamed, hurt & disappointed of myself for not being able to capture what i thought was so beatiful on paper. i guess this is where experience kicks in. may be i need to give myself more such opportunities where someday i might do justice to what i write. its more a journey of self-discovery but i m glad that u hv raised this potent topic. may be we could find some answers here, or may be deep within our own self. time will tell. am happy for you that u landed up an opportunity to work wid deepti naval. lucky u. even i was there at the ISC 08. but i stood far away from all these accomplished icons, admiring them… wish i cud have come out of the awestruck fanboy mode & spoken to the greats that i so admire… i guess next time i will… who knows… thanks again!
Beautiful, beautiful piece.. It was such a pleasure reading this one Smriti. There’s not a single word put in to grab attention, not a single detail that goes into being the realms of being “superfluous”. And that part on writing was so so well put.
As I see it, writing is one aspect of cinema where you create a dream and directing is when u you kill that dream.
That’s probably because while u write u are carefree, u understand that u r dealing with something as irrational as “human emotions”. I could write about a person who enjoys reading about people being “Guillitoned” in French Revolution, and not necessarily provide an explanation for his/her grey desires.
It’s almost enigmatic, half-hidden and hence tremendously sensual.
But, its when u direct that u try to rationalize what u have written. And that kills the whole thing..
This to me is the kind of post that made PFC what it was. It hurts when u see such wonderful pieces being clouded by “cookery show” kind of posts that’s neither exciting nor informative..
Thank u so much
an honest and frank write-up. i wish u all the luck in watever u do.
Smriti! I remember you’d talked about writing this piece. Actor-writers have an extra advantage on both the writing and acting fronts ;)
www.wahwahsmritivij.com
Wonderful article, Smriti.You’ve subtly brought out the connection between acting and writing.
We write what we’re acting out in our minds, in our imagination.
From our minds to the computer screen and then hopefully to the silver screen. And hope is what life is all about.
Hi Smiriti,
Nice post. Spoke to you at the ISC after you urged (literally pushed) me to get inside (two times), as the sessions had started. Liked the way you opened up at the first meeting. I am also kind of like you, emosional (if I may say so).
Coming to the point, i have written two feature film scripts, five short film scripts, wrote, acted in and directed one short film, performed on stage (solo dance) in college and in school plays. The most high I felt was before, during and after a performance. Obviously it’s also because of the nature of the act itself. When you are in front of a camera or a film crew or an audience, the anxiety, the nervousness and the pressure to perform is extremely high. And when you get it right, the high you feel is priceless. The high you get after making a film (short film in my case) or writing a script itself is more intellectual than emotional. During a performance every cell of your body is on fire whereas the happiness you feel while writing and direction is more subdued.
To make it simple, every art has his own high but the high a performing artiste feels is unparallel (i felt during acting and dancing). It’s like a child crying out for mother’s attention and getting it immediately. But I am concentrating more on writing (whether my work gets out is another matter) and learning direction. I prefer writing, as the script is the foundation for a film and there is a need to express thoughts and feelings which the directors and actors put forward. An actor can choose good roles but doesn’t have a say, so if you want to express any thoughts and feelings in a particular way or create an interesting character, you need to write and sometimes need to direct as others may not be charged about the subject or the way you want to treat it. If you love writing and acting both, then you shall balance both and I think you will easily balance it. Cheers!
Sorry, I have digressed and written too much and i can’t belive i am trying to advise you!:lol:
And yes, acting does help you write better especially dialogues. Even Tarantino has mentioned it in some masterclass!
thank you so much for taking the time to respond in such detail. i feel happy
i will get back and reply to the comments.
ps: @ J – i am really sorry, that was my assigned job as volunteer to make sure the delegates attended the sessions.
I said that in a light hearted way, so, there isn’t a need to be sorry but i got your point.