PFC 6: The Only Change In Life Is Constant
I am a sucker for intelligent cinema. Therefore, I watch Hindi films. I like my life to be predictable. The virtues of stillness – that constancy of the truant variables in life – they give me the appetite to take intellectual risks (like watching Salman on telly) in other fields. Once you have got the emotional elements anchored right, you are free to spread your wings elsewhere is my dictum.
Therefore, I love them all – YRF, VF, RGV, White Feathers et al. What predictability! The more things change, the more they remain same. After Jannat and Sarkar Raj, I can hardly wait for the YRF summer release, the homicidal-instincts-arousing title of which goes ‘Thoda Pyar, Thoda Magic’. And I am fervently hoping it doesn’t disappoint me. I hope that every frame of it screams the stultifying formula YRF seems to have discovered to draw family audience in.
This isn’t a trivial issue. These production houses, over the course of past few years, have made us all appreciate that complex philosophical construct of ‘eternal recurrence’. As the dwarf in Nietzsche’s ‘Thus Spoke Zarathustra’ says, “everything straight lies, all truth is crooked, time itself is a circle.”
Time itself is a circle. Doesn’t it feel that way when you watch another Emraan Hashmi film and wonder if you’ve lived through it all before? Or, when the RGV camera contorts itself to give you an obtuse angle view of the world. Was it in a parallel universe that one watched Jhoom Barabar Jhoom and Ta Ra Rum Pum? Else, how do you explain that after watching Tashan and looking ahead at Thoda Pyar, Thoda Magic, one feels that you were here before? In some other time and space continuum, perhaps. The kids look so familiar. Are they mine? Were there thoda pyar, thoda magic moments in my life which I am not aware of? Heavens!!
I’m now confronted with the familiar existential query – what’s the purpose of this post? Well, dear readers, this post is actually an exercise in lateral thinking. I have put plot outlines of 6 movies and you’ve to spot the one that is real while the rest are figments of my imagination. The one silver lining in all of this is for YRF this phase will end by 2011. Why 2011? Two word answer. Uday Chopra. He would have turned a director by then and powered YRF into unchartered territories. In forecasting model, such events are called ‘Black Swan’, a hugely disruptive, never-before phenomenon which means all bets are off. So, we would restrict ourselves to the pre-Uday era. Here we go!
• YRF is back with ‘Tujhse Naraaz Nahin Zindagi’ starring Saif, Rani and five kids. Saif is a New York based Investment Banker who proposes to Rani on the Puranmaasi ka Valentine’s Day (last sighted in 1997 in DTPH). Rani, oblivious to more weighty issues, decides to celebrate by going on an ice cream binge, five flavors in all. In a Mahabharata-esque twist, she gives birth to 5 kids. Sub-prime crisis strikes the financial markets in the U.S. and the family has to move back to India. It stays at Malabar Hill and finds ends difficult to meet. Saif takes on a part-time job of a chef at the Crystal Restaurant on Chowpati serving Rajma-Chawal to fresh investment bankers. The five kids decide to take control of their destinies and become part of the panel of kids in ‘Kya Aap Paanchvi Paas Se Tez Hain’. This solves the problem of having Shah Rukh in the film. Saif gets a lucky break as a contestant on the show and wins 2 crores by answering the final question ‘what’s the Latin name for Rose’ correctly. It’s Rosa!!
• Vishesh Films’ ‘Meherban’ exposes the seamy underbelly of the Television industry with Emraan playing a casting director without a moral compass. The murder of a starlet rouses him from his slumber as he discovers the many ‘meherbaani’ that starlets have to do to go further in this industry. Many female breakdowns, mazaar visits and Emraan-in-midst-of- traffic scenes later, there is closure (not for audience though). Newcomer Rhea Vats makes her debut and plays the emotionally troubled wannabe model. Purab Kohli plays the ubiquitous hero’s friend without whom no Mahesh Bhatt movie can be considered complete. Just before its release, Bhatt plants a controversy or two in press alleging that the story is based on a real event that happened in 2008. Pritam discover a cache of TV serials from Papua New Guinea so the music’s good.
• RGV’s ‘It’s not over, Babua’ is a fresh take on the Mumbai underworld in the backdrop of the antipathy towards migrants from the Hindi heartland. Crime in politics versus politics in crime – it’s another searing examination. AB plays an extra-constitutional political figurehead while Ajay Devgan reprises his Apaharan accent and clothes as the migrant underworld warlord. Innumerable close-ups and pauses later, we realize it’s all going nowhere. But by then it’s too late. RGV is on to the sequel
• White Feathers and Apoorva Lakhia are working on a film tentatively titled ‘Yeh Desh Nahin Buzurgon Ka’ which has AB playing a Sheriff in Bihar (yes, they do have them in Bihar). Abhishek hits upon a stash of money from a drug deal gone wrong and has the relentless hit-man, Vivek Oberoi, after him. Sunil Shetty, who has worked with Vivek in the past, is also hired to recover the money while Sanjay Dutt is a motel owner which has Malaika Arora as its main attraction. The plot starts to complicate in no time and after a while there’s no way to end the film. So, there’s a big shootout sequence in slo-mo and everyone’s a goner. There’s a Mika song which rounds off the gore fest.
• Priyadarshan’s ‘Pyar Ka Tadka’is a comic caper with Akshay Kumar, Paresh Rawal, Rajpal Yadav and Rimii Sen in key roles. Paresh plays the owner of an Irani restaurant who is being forced to change his menu on the diktats of the local don Rajpal Yadav who likes his kadhai chicken instead of the berry pulao. Akshay Kumar is a con on the run who styles himself as an expert North Indian cook trained in Bangkok. Rimii is the girl next door who has foolproof get-rich-quick-plan. Somewhere in this mix is Gulshan Grover and his 10 crores worth of diamonds and a Himesh Reshamiyya look alike. Akshay Kumar also doubles up as the editor, so there are exactly two scenes without him in the film.
• Vipul Shah, faithfully following the Chopra school of filmmaking, is ready with ‘Naya Daur – It’s a New Age’. Akshay Kumar plays a DJ who risks his entire reputation on winning the ‘Greatest DJ in the Universe’ gig in NYC. He squares up against the ‘Best DJ of Uranus’ (Upen Patel in a cameo which will remind audience of his turn in Shakalaka Boom Boom) in the finals. There’s foul play and Akki loses. Unable to bear the ignominy, he returns home to Bharatpur to rebuild his life (in one intense scene, he remarks “pain is my destiny”). Bharatpur, not surprisingly, has no clubbing culture and Akki takes it upon himself to redeem this land. Many lectures on how they have lost their sanskriti follow. But it ain’t easy. There are naysayers galore, including the local IIT JEE trainer, CAT trainer, IAS trainer and the multiplex owner. Everyone except the 18 year old Suhani (played by Katrina Kaif) who is acutely aware of our clubbing parampara. In one compelling scene she reminds us that Indra was the first to introduce the concept of lounge and Narada introduced the world to House music which was played in Indrasabha (sabha means house, she screams while defending Akki). Akki and Suhani begin to change the town’s ossified beliefs and prepare for the biggest event of them all. The War of DJs to be held during IPL finals. Akki wins the event but by then Suhani has fallen for Yuvraj Singh (guest appearance). Akki decides to leave Bharatpur convinced that while he’s restored sabhyata in the town, he’s lost his love. As he drives away, a hitchhiker asks him for a lift. It’s Priyanka Chopra.
What a line-up!! I can hardly wait.
Tags: Serious Writer's Block
Anurag Kashyap
Abhay Deol
Dibakar Banerjee
Hansal Mehta
Khalid Mohamed
Kundan Shah
Anish Kuruvilla
Jaideep Verma
Manish Gupta
Navdeep Singh
Bhavani Iyer
D. Santosh
Onir
Ashvin Kumar
Ramu Ramanathan
Sudhir Mishra
Pankaj Advani
Revathy
Saurabh Shukla
Shilpa Shukla
Sujoy Ghosh
Suparn Verma
Santosh Sivan
Shashank Ghosh
Shivajee
Pavan Kaul
Partho Sen-Gupta
Prroshant Naryannan
Sam Langoria
Satish Kasetty
Onion, eh?!
Wonderful !!!
Puranmaasi ka Valentine’s Day [:)]
‘Yeh Desh Nahin Buzurgon Ka’ LOL !!
‘Yeh Desh Nahin Buzurgon Ka’ … that was funny
gosh .. i pray none of these film makers actually see this article !!!!
they may indeed steal these “original plots” !!! ;-)
njoyed the read Subrat !!!
A top-notch imaginative post..but I am afraid the truth may turn out to be funnier than fiction !!
Subrat..am saving this article on my hard disc as I feel that maybe just maybe all this will turn out exactly as you have predicted here..maybe your satire just turns out to be real macabre..we could have a louder laughter then..you could round this off by putting Abbas – Mustan into this with Woh Raat..one night, unending twists, two murders, six songs, 7 accused, a philandering wife, an extra marital affair, one murder on a roof, doors locked from inside, Upen Patel(again in a life defining cameo as the other servant speaking on Aaj Tak from Nepal)..star cast of Akshay as the doc, Anil Kapoor as the other doc and Kareena, Katrina, Amisha, Johnny Lever bringing up the stellar cast…sounds familiar??!!!
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahha
vata funny post…
yrf…white feathers…almost all hindi directors producers r historians…nd history repeats itself so they either remake old hindi films or copy dvds of english..fench..italian..philipino..korean..russian..films…
only ur wrong prediction is big b playing in white feather film..he ll not do film with sanjay gupta..after sanjay dutt has left gupta…
gupta ll make films now with rohit roy..ronit roy… nd other actors directors whose careers r already in down state…
dutts shelter is gone…
adi is marrying rani so by the end of year she ll leave films for 4-5 years.. till junior dai nd junior rani start going school…
…nd dont u dare 2 play arm chair critic … ve u made ny film? ve u done ny thing in life?
anurag k has just asked pfc authors… wht they ve done in lives…than 2 play armchair critics..
make film than pull legs of yrf..vishesh films.. white feather… atleast they run recycle business nd copy nd paste technology is alive by these charitable institutions.. new ideas means adding in 2 global warming… recycling means green world…
y pauchauri got nobel? ur chosne directors producers deserved it more…
Subrat,
you do realise that these six synopses are more thoughtful and interesting than any of the films that are actually coming out?
My god, I’m somewhat disappointed that I won’t be seeing ‘It’s Not Over, Babua’ in a theatre soon. Also, do whatever you must to keep the rights of ‘Naya Daur – It’s a New Age’ with you; done right (and I’m serious here) that could be one hell of a good spoof.
V
PS Indraneel’s ‘Woh Raat… One Night’ – LOLOLOLOL
wowowwwwwwwwwwwwoww, this article needs to be written as a full fledged script.Movie can be titled BOLLYWOOD-2050.
Fantastic.
hahahaha .. ur posts are ROFDOL (dying of laughter) :p
This is hilarious Subrat.
I agree with others here.
These are more thought out plots than their inspiration.
I couldnt stop laughing.
cheers
Holy fuck..brilliant…god..hillarious..
“(in one intense scene, he remarks “pain is my destiny”)”
ROFLMAO…
It’s Vipul Shah that really got me.. HOWLOL
‘the Professor Movie’ premiere huh?
Gyaanguru is back!! and what a relief. btw, the news is that Rab Ne Gira Thi Thodi bcz rain gods didnt like the jodi. the set at film city was washed out cz of the rains and they still hav few days shooting left.
lol hilarious!!!
Good sense of humour!