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Round Three

The movie to be reviewed by the ten contestants is Bombay to Bangkok
The backup movie review, if the main movie did not release in the city of any contestant was Bring Me the Head of Alfredo Garcia. - All contestants were given a 1000 word count limit to write their reviews within.

Here are the submitted reviews for Round Three! Contestants are listed in order of their rankings after Round Two. If two or more contestants share the same ranking, they are listed alphabetically.

1. Trasie Stittsworth (Los Angles, USA)

Bombay to Bangkok: Lost in Translation

Actors that range from competent to very good. A stunning location. Jokes that are smarter than those in most comedic films. Running gags that throw curve balls. A writer/director with a track record of delivering intelligent, charming, and funny films. These elements and more, all brought together in Bombay to Bangkok, should have added up to a superior romantic comedy.

So, why did it all go wrong?

Sometimes it is easy to look at a film that should have worked and see that the problem is with the editing, with lackluster direction, an actor’s hubris, or with too much interference from the producers. What this film lacks is energy. It almost feels as if Nagesh Kukunoor was asked to deliver something quick and cheap, and he delivered a film showing much of his trademark humor and charm, but with no heart – as if he were just collecting a paycheck while looking forward to a bigger project.

This film is typical Bollywood masala. Poor boy on the run from gangsters creates an improbable escape, uses his quick wits to adopt a new persona to protect himself, falls in love within the confines of the requisite romantic conflict and resolution story arc, with a crime subplot thrown in for extra tension. When it comes to timepass films and romantic comedies, I do not expect much more than this, I just want a couple of hours of entertainment. I am willing to overlook improbabilities, unlikely situations and silly jokes to be mindlessly amused for a few hours. I cannot overlook the fact that Bombay to Bangkok shows glimpses of the above-average romantic comedy it could have been while delivering little in the way of entertainment.

Thailand is often presented in film as the harsh land of drugs and prostitutes and overzealous police, or the country of breathtaking beauty and a pleasant and docile population. Kukunoor shows many of these elements without sensationalizing them. From a Thai brothel to a monastery, we are introduced to a culture that encompasses extremes, yet Jasmine (Lena Christensen) is neither a hooker with a heart of gold nor the stereotypical passive Asian female, stereotypes that would have been emphasized in the hands of another writer. A monk’s induction into a monastery that should have had some emotional weight had none. The beauty of Thailand was never fully captured by the cinematographer; the beautiful camera shots only work as stills, not as memorable scenes. Lost opportunities to present situations specific to Thailand are plentiful. A chase scene between two pedi-cabs that could have been played for laughs was not. Interactions between the protagonist Shankar (Shreyas Talpade) and the Thai people that he meets should have been touching, but were barely enlightening. Christensen and Talpade as the cross-cultural couple in love have a certain chemistry, but that chemistry is never explored.

This is supposed to be a comedy, and the jokes, as written, are more intelligent than average. For the most part, the funny scenes are well thought out and realistic. Yet, I only chuckled out loud twice, and I was the only person in the theatre to do so. Somewhere, between the writing, the actors delivering the lines, and the final print, the original humor was lost. Kukunoor has shown in the past that he is a master of biting comedy. Here he wrote funny lines and scenarios, so what went so wrong with the direction that the humor was never evident on the screen? He presents threads of running gags that are funny, and then unexpectedly changes the gags, making them funnier, but by the time he began to do so, I was long past feeling like laughing.

In fact, the funniest part of the film was realizing during the scene when Shankar and Jasmine argue over the silliness of names and words in each other’s respective languages that I, an American with a limited understanding of the Hindi language, was going to review a Hindi film with no subtitles about a couple who do not speak each other’s language. A shame as I should have been laughing at the exchange, not myself.

The actors in the film rise above the lackluster script. Vijay Maurya as the gangster/rapper JAMK deserves special mention for bringing believability and humor and a touch of depth to a one-dimensional character, and Lena Christensen is a better actress than the promotional ads show her to be. Whatever is lacking in the film is not the fault of the actors, with the exception of one bit part by a small Thai actor delivering his lines in English, all the actors rose above the material.

The movie is over long, with both the back-story of how Shankar ends up in Thailand and the resolution of the romantic conflict drawn out for no good reason. There is little soul in the film, yet it is apparent that Kukunoor loves Thailand and the Thai people. I will not fault any writer or director for making a film for a paycheck. I will fault Kukunoor for making this film. With his previous works he has proven his talent as a writer, as an observer of cultures, as a director who can create magic in small moments, and all of these elements are present here. Yet he has failed to capitalize on what was right with his script, and he has missed the opportunity to create a genre film that should have been remarkable.

 

2. Praveen Gopal Krishnan (Bangalore, India)

Bombay to Bangkok: Bangkoked by Kukunoor

There’s a strong parallel between Kukunoor’s latest offering and its lead character. Like Bombay to Bangkok’s Shekhar, even Kukunoor abandons familiar surroundings for foreign territory in search of financial success. Neither of them are acquainted with the language of the new land and are reduced to desperate measures in order to make a mark. If you do decide to watch this flick, it’s best you imitate what Shekhar does when he encounters unfamiliar Thai cuisine - steel yourself, take a deep breath and swallow it as quickly as possible.

Shreyas Talpade plays the aforementioned Shekhar - opening the movie with a first person narration which mysteriously never surfaces again. After getting his hands on some cash - nicked from local don Jamal Khan (who moonlights as bling rapper Jam K), he makes a dash to Bangkok impersonating a doctor in a medical team. Some encounters later with Thai-speaking sex worker Jasmine and his sardar translator Rash, Kukunoor takes us on a wild and uncomfortable ride - butchering every known stereotype about South-Asians in the process. Yes, its all there - the insect eaters, the laughing Buddhas, the monks and the ching-chong asides. At the end of it all, you end up feeling shanghaied (or in this case - bangkoked) by him.

Of course, there are a few deft touches in Bombay to Bangkok, but that’s like saying that the cabins aboard the Titanic had shiny doorknobs. Members of the Kukunoor fan club will probably attribute this failure to producer Subash Ghai’s external influence - and in all fairness, it might be a fair assumption. After listening to Karz’s ‘Ek Hasina Thi’ refrain for the fourth time whenever Jasmine appeared on screen, I began to wonder who was actually calling the shots.

Talpade is presently at the unenviable position of an actor at the crossroads. The kid’s got talent but its difficult to see him as lead actor material. A few years from now, and I am going out on a limb here,Talpade might end up a confirmed citizen in the kingdom where supporting actors reside - ruled by Arshad Warsi and his loyal ministers Aftab and Riteish Deshmukh. Else, he will go the Naseeruddin Shah way - the one of a kind actor who will play certain roles like how no one else can.

As Jasmine, Lina Christianson has precious little to do other than prance about, show some skin and make out with the leading man half a dozen times. Consequently, she should fit in perfectly at Bollywood.

The role of a Mafia don is an evolving one is Bollywood - which is quite an achievement considering that the portrayal of the hero’s mother has largely been the same for the last fifty years or so. The latest trend, it seems, is to depict them as trigger-happy clowns with exaggerated mannerisms. While stalwarts like Anil Kapoor and Nana Patekar look awkward in such caricatures, Vijay Maurya fits right in. JamK, while no Mogambo, manages to endear himself despite being an unimpressive don on screen (his henchmen - instead of being Rayban-ed and suited, resemble two participants from a desi Snoop Dogg lookalike contest).

A brain-dead chipmunk could list the flaws in this movie, so lets not start there. ‘Bombay to Bangkok’ is a disaster alright, but forget about the casualties for a moment. Let’s hunt for some survivors instead.

A lot has been written about how Bombay to Bangkok tries too hard to masquerade as a mainstream movie. Every genre is incorporated - right from the road movie to the whodunit. While most of this criticism is legitimate, it’s also understandable why Kukunoor is trying too hard. After all, if you used to be a sniper and decided to change guns, why use a revolver when you can fire a cannon instead? Besides, to occasionally pander to the mainstream audience is not necessarily an act of treachery. There’s a reason why one of the best directors of our time is currently making the fourth adventure movie about an archaeologist and not a sequel to Schindler’s List.

If you are a Kukunoor fan, it’s difficult not to feel betrayed when you watch Bombay to Bangkok. It’s convenient to claim that he has sold himself out but the truth is, dare I say, we need more movies like these from him. Look at it as Nagesh Kukunoor’s fire drill - it needs to be done periodically and there is no cause for alarm.

In fact, plot the career of any master and you will see that genius is few and scattered between a host of surprisingly mediocre works. Mostly, these ships founder not because they sink while attempting to explore uncharted waters - but because they run aground as they try to return to land. Even the most powerful person in the industry is fallible - don’t forget, we had to endure three Rahuls and four Rajs between Dil Se’s Amarkanth Verma and Swades’s Mohan Bharghav.

Bombay to Bangkok is a disappointment not because a hitherto offbeat director has made a masala film - but because it is a bad masala film. However, the sight of a director fumbling in a new medium is a lot less disconcerting than watching him fizzle at his home stretch. This is why although both ‘Bombay to Bangkok’ and a movie like say - Saawariya are lead balloons, it is Bhansali who needs the parachute - not Kukunoor. Doubtless, there will be more films in this genre again by Kukunoor - I just hope they are good ones. If they aren’t, the sooner we get them over with - the better. Personally, I would cheerfully watch ten Bombay to Bangkoks if there’s going to be another Dor or Iqbal waiting for me later.

So, go on, stretch your legs and get yourself a snack or something.

Because we expect the regular Nagesh Kukunoor show to continue after this short commercial break.

 

3. Satish Naidu (Pune, India)

Bombay to Bangkok: Movie Review

If one were to stand at all the exit doors where this film is being screened, for a comment, I could bet it would be one word – Why? Why the trouble? You get the chance to make films, and you turn up with this, a dead end of a journey. Some might view this as a wasted opportunity, to make a fun-filled joy-ride about a fish-out-of-water, or some cockamamie about the interaction of two cultures. This is neither, and most importantly this is nothing. I’ll save you the reading, the sentences attempted below are as futile as the film. Let me get it real straight – Bombay to Bangkok is the kind of film you’ll curse yourself for, and you’ll get cursed for. I’m angry, I’m tired and this film is worth neither, not even remotely. And now, get back to the celebrations, no one gave us a chance at Perth. I didn’t.

While driving back from the theatre, I was rounding up all the methods at my disposal to warn you from watching this film. I still am. That is the best I can do, you know, for it is still a free country and I can only warn. The plot involves a dhaba cook Shankar (Talpade), who by a stroke of mother fortune lands his hand on a purse full of money. The money belongs to a, yeah you guessed it right, gangster. He flees off to Thailand, assuming the identity of a doctor. He crosses paths with a Thai beauty Jasmine (Lina Christianson) who happens to be a prostitute, and yes, she’s the lady on the poster. I am wrestling with the idea of writing down the entire story, to keep you off this film, but something inside me is warning me it would just be a cure. I rise up to the occasion, and as the old medical adage goes, I aspire for prevention. Weed it out.

The film, at least in theory, was never supposed to be a film about money, or chase in the first place. That is just a Maguffin; the film though finds its roots in its intention to enjoy itself through its various moments. It wants to be a big party, but it doesn’t seem to be invited to its own bash. The atmosphere is fun in that morose way when it is raining outside, and there’s a blackout inside, and there’s no other option. You know you’re in trouble when a major part of the humor is derived from old age libido, Viagra, farts and the sound of oriental language. A Thai security guard shoots off his name, and we’re supposed to laugh since it is unpronounceable. There’s a jewellery store masquerading as a rapping gangster, too, and his part of the bargain is to struggle with rhyming dialogues, a la Gunda I guess. What’re we? Eight? Anyways, there’s too much flesh around for those impressionable minds.

Slapstick used to have significantly better players (David Dhawan), and used to be considerably more fun. Here, under the pretense of the ‘new’ face of Hindi cinema, it is the same old dish, but a tasteless one at that. Consider this – as Shankar walks into Jasmine’s room, the soundtrack plays John Strauss’ Blue Danube. Just as it is with this film, and most of the films nowadays, it is a dead end. It has no purpose, other than to show off. The sequence goes on to that music, and just as the comedy assumes the slightest color of romance, the score unashamedly and abruptly drops the waltz for the conventional twinkler. The innocent love. Good lord. The romantic moment passes by, and the waltz remains on the floor. A dead end, just as the film and the supposed new face. Let me tell you though, I’ve seen the new face, and its love for the medium, and it doesn’t remotely look like this. This is good old fashioned showoff riding high on pretense.

Predictably, the film aspires to come of age, mature, by gradually moving from comedy on language to romance transcending the boundaries. But that is just theory. In practice though, it takes one scene, on the beach, under the starlit sky, and abracadabra. And yeah, one page, for each of them, containing enough words in the other language for both our transcending birds. The script does a roll-call of all the necessary plot markers – the money-purse following a different itinerary, the birds having a small pre-romance fight (I couldn’t find no reason), the final drama surrounding our male-bird’s identity –each of them a number, yell out : Present, Sir. I’m not sure, but just as with Iqbal this script too seems to have been written in record time. And just as that time around, it feels like it, maybe even shorter.

If I was in the job, and this was supposed to be the training, I sure as hell couldn’t have come up with a more agonizing film to test my endurance. I hungered for the exit, those four red letters and the dial of my watch offering the best visuals through the entire film. I have not set foot on foreign soil, but for its entire cultural trip, the film doesn’t boast of one insight that is novel. Just the good old shallow idea – we’re all the same but different. It is so ecstatic at discovering it that it decides to jump into a gratuitous song, it seems was written on the spot. I have often wondered why a professional film critic might gripe about his job. I could only imagine the reason, now I can understand. Reviewing a film is a great joy, and such killjoys suck it out in its entirety. All they leave at the end is a nagging little headache, which if closely introspected, would reveal to be frustration. And deeper still, at the core, a question written, seemingly in gold– does such a film deserve to be viewed to be reviewed?

 

4. Sreehari Nair (Trivandrum, India)

Bring me the head of Alfredo Garcia: God at the movies..

‘I thought I knew you folks. I ought to; they don’t call me God for no reason. But I now realize how wrong I was’

Movies have never hesitated to bring up my mention. Bergman disowned me, even portrayed me as a spider once. Woody Allen constantly refers to the world as “godless”. And, there were the movies that bracketed themselves within mythological tales thereby directly asserting my presence. I initially went to the movies just so that I could gauge the general public sentiment about me. And what started out as an exercise in self-analysis has led to me loving the movies.

Peter, my most loyal follower is my guide to weekend cinema. He effectively demarcates the movies that I am supposed to watch from the ones that he thinks I should skip. And, no sooner did I bring up the mention of Sam Peckinpah’s “Bring me the head of Alfredo Garcia”, than he looked at me in circumspection. “I won’t recommend any of that guy’s art to you my lord. It’s just too sadistic, perverse and gory”.
I took stock of Peter’s warning for a second but decided to do it my way this time around.
“Ah, what the hell Peter, it’s just a movie”

‘Bring me the head of Alfredo Garcia’ is a movie that takes place in Mexico and features an American protagonist Bennie, played by Warren Oates. I see Bennie like so many people I have seen from up here. A forlorn, bitter, ‘consumed by angst ‘ soul who has long given up the hope for an idyllic life that only the noblemen in my kingdom are accorded with. He never believed in me it seems. Maybe he never thought about me. An anhedoniac, he plays the piano at a local bar, but fails to derive pleasure out of any worldly activity. He’s not a bump or a worthless guy and does possess a self-confidence that shines through time and again. There is a sequence where he is taunted at and referred to as a ‘loser’, to which he retaliates, “Nobody loses all the time”. Deep inside, he knows that his time would come.
And it finally comes in the form of a bounty of one million dollars, an amount that can be his if he brings to an industrialist named El Jefe, the head of Alfredo Garcia, a lothario who has impregnated the wealthy man’s daughter.

Bennie sees gold, setting off on a journey with the single-minded determination of annexing Garcia’s head. His thirst for that final destination is relentless, but little does he realize that the journey is as important as the destination. He is accompanied by Elita, a woman he abuses openly, but somebody he loves deep inside and somebody who was once smitten by Garcia. He confesses his feelings for her and she reacts positively.

Ah, bliss!!!!! The coming together of a man and his woman.
“Divinity on celluloid”, I thought to myself. My eyes blinked in anticipation of the first glimpse of nobility on the horizon. I was about to visualize their bright future before my eyes but that’s when Peckinpah decided to pinch me back to graphical reality.
Elita is killed; Bennie seeks revenge on her killers, kills another dozen along the way and resumes his journey with Garcia’s head, packed inside an ice-filled bag.
The rest of Bennie’s journey is replete with self-loathing, anger, blood, alcohol and Garcia’s head by his side. His moments of quiet desperation lead him to confide in the head. His musings directed at the severed head are rough to start off with, but quickly turn confessional. In one of the most heart-rending sequences, Bennie gives Garcia’s head a shower and talks to it about how his deceased girlfriend actually loved Garcia more than him.

What starts off as a journey aimed primarily at making profit now trundles along like a phrase from a holy book. The movie bids adieu with Bennie’s self-realization that he ought to have savored and cared for the journey to the bounty as much as he cared for the bounty itself. The destructive nature of his journey, pricks his conscience and it shows in the closing sequence where he kills El Jefe for having shown complete disregard for his efforts to get the head , an effort that had cost the lives of so many around him. The journey, as he finally realizes in his dying moments is as important as the destination.

This isn’t a movie for all; this isn’t a movie like any other. It takes the form of self-governance, a kind of dictatorship where the director makes it so personal that you enjoy it within its self-confinements. It mocks at our superficial theories about masculinity and highlights its self-annihilating nature. Through those wonderfully choreographed sequences of violence, it brings to light the lack of morality that I watch everyday with utter helplessness. It never says it directly, just documents it like a dream painted in blood.

Often transcending the definitions of practicality, rational behavior and ‘me’, it depicts the evil that resides within mere mortals. It charmed me and yet I felt like a drugged soul desperate for rehabilitation. It left me gasping for breath, rendering me weak and emasculated.
Yes. I guess Nietzsche was right after all… “God is dead”.

 

4. Shantesh Sunil Row (Dubai, UAE)

Bring me the head of Alfredo Garcia: HEADS I WIN, TAILS YOU LOSE

Mexican cazique.
Pregnant daughter.
Absconding lothario, Garcia.

Bullets.

Bounty call.
$1 million cash.
The search is on.

Gunfire.

Bennie the bar owner.
Down-and-out Tequila quaffer.
Prostitute girlfriend.

Boom-boom.

Road trip to Garcia’s grave.
Promise of marriage.
Forced rape by bikers.

Gunshots.

Decapitation of head.
Ambushed by brigands.
Buried alive.

More bullets.

Girlfriend dead.
Bennie breaks down.
Slides into madness.

Ping.
Ping.

Head packed in ice box.
Bennie’s nervous breakdown.
Conversations with Garcia’s head.

Dishkyaanv.
Dishkyaanv.

Fight with Garcia’s family.
Slaying of two gay henchmen.
Meeting fixed with cazique.

Kill.
Kill.
Kill.

Bennie Vs cazique.
Cazique Vs daughter.
Shootout.

Blood.
Blood.
Blood.

Mad rush to escape.
Cazique’s henchmen on prowl.
Bennie mown down by bullets.

25 corpses. Dust settles.

“Greed is good.”
- Gordon Gekko

“Why? Because it feels so damn good.”
- Bennie

And somewhere betwixt the truth that shares the common
space between Gekko of Wall Street and Bennie of Bring
Me The Head Of Alfredo Garcia, lies the vision of the
latter’s director, Sam Peckinpah.

Nihilistic.
Bleak.
Macabre.
Uncompromising.

Cult?
Misfit?
Harrowing?
Real?

But all said and done, very, very personal.

David Lynch
meets
Roberto Rodriguez
meets
Quentin Tarantino
meets
Pang Brothers.

After they met this gem from Peckinpah.

Got the stomach to bite a bitter bullet?

 

5. Rajesh R Kallidumbil (Pune, India)

Bombay to Bangkok: Thai Chilly Con

I am not what you would call a ‘fan’ of Nagesh Kukunoor (by any
definition of the term).

But in spite of what I think, Nagesh has been leading a charmed life –
coming back to India and doing what he always wanted, helming and
acting in India’s most successful Indie film and in the process
becoming one of India’s name directors – able to finance projects on
the basis of his name. He is thriving (multiple releases in the
pipeline) in an industry which he had given up all hopes on after
spending a year in Mumbai during his early days.

Despite all this, I have been uncomfortable through his movies.
‘Hyderabad Blues’ was fresh but I wonder if someone who hasn’t spent a
couple of years in the American (or rather M.S.) boot camp that is
Hyderabad can grasp the movie in its entirety. ‘3 Deewarein’ took
itself a bit too seriously and I had already watched ‘Perumazhakalam’
(the Malayalam movie from which Dor was adapted).

But ‘Bombay to Bangkok’ (first of a line of releases by Nagesh in the
year) is an endearing movie. Never reaching out to the levels of
great, this anti-movie definitely touches levels of good – for reasons
entirely different from ones which are usually given while discussing
good cinema.

B2B could be one of these – an aspiring con caper, a wannabe romantic
comedy or an attempted spoof on what passes for the above two. Nagesh
takes a simple story (100 words could do justice to the story without
losing any of its essence) and fleshes it out to a 2 hour length
without losing his viewer to boredom or worse - making him feel
evicted from the lunch table while still hungry.

Shankar Singh (Shreyas Talpade), a Mumbaiyya short order cook (though
he refers to himself as a chef) comes across the proceeds of a cooked
deal at his place of work (a golden hued money pouch of the type that
went of style in the 80s, serving as a MacGuffin). In a moment of
weakness – he decides to claim it for himself, without much thinking
about the repercussions of his actions. Managing to wiggle out of a
tough spot and finding it difficult to make his way to his preferred
destination of Dubai, Shankar decides to latch on to a group of
doctors on way to a medical camp in Thailand.

Hot on his heels is JAMK/Jamal K (Vijay Maurya), the gangsta rapper
son of Khan Saab (Nasseruddin Shah in a special appearance) for whom
the package was originally meant. JAMK happens to be an incompetent
gangster but a passable gangsta rapper – complete with an overdose of
bling, anti-fit trousers, rap happy Hindi dialogues and an equally
incompetent and bejeweled entourage.

Bumbling through his con act like a slightly older version of Frank
Hardy (F W Dixon anyone?), Shankar meets Jasmine (Lena Christen who
volunteers in the medical camp in the mornings and moonlights at a
massage parlor in the wee hours – where she involves in ‘make happy’).
While his attraction towards her is definitely physical, his shyness
along with his out of place (warped??) sense of morality prevents him
from going further.

Gags unfold, chaos churns and love emerges from hipster PDA Hindi-Thai
(and vice versa) phrasebooks. It all seems predestined at the end –
despite the chaos and indecision that we sit through.

As Kukunoor does not try to please anyone (even the box office, it
seems), getting decent performances out of his actors (and non-stars)
is not difficult. Oddball characters are littered throughout the
movie, from the addle minded retired geography teacher mother to the
wishful Satyr of a cardiologist – peppered with a continuing circus of
elderly Thai men looking for free Viagra, a Thai confidence trickster
and topped off with JAMK and a mysterious psychiatrist (who had always
wanted to be a psychologist).

B2B never takes itself seriously and an anti-hero, anti-heroine (no
virginal white here either in her thoughts, actions or justifications)
and anti-villain complete this attempt at creating an anti-movie
(viewed juxtaposed with what usually passes off as romantic or caper
comedies). The humor is adult, out in the open and meant to be for
adults – no ‘I want to be dirty yet get the families in’ desires here.
(Though the ‘Last King of Scotland’ inspiration could have been
avoided)

While a long way from a classic (and I doubt it was ever intended to
be that), and mostly failing to meet expectations of Kukunoor ‘fans’,
B2B is worth a watch and just because it is an attempt at telling a
story without garnishing it too much (much like a good pulp novel
bought for the sole purpose of a train ride). I would be sorry to see
it slip away unnoticed and criticized when a certain Akshay Kumar (or
a Priyadarshan with a Malayalam script from the 80’s) in the billing
could have seen this movie pull in full houses.

I have a complaint against the studio – “Mukta Searchlight”. The name
steals away its intention and mission (however noble).

To close; while not a ‘fan’ of Nagesh Kukunoor (yet), I will
definitely be waiting for his next release.

 

5. Kavita K Meegama (Bethesda, USA)

We did not receive a submission from the contestant in Round-3 .

 

5. Thani (Mumbai, India)

Bombay to Bangkok: Disclaimer Filmmaking

No make happy?

Yes make happy?

No happy, no money!

As bizarre as it may sound, it has to be said that this is an excerpt of an important interaction between the leads in Nagesh Kukunoor’s ‘Bombay to Bangkok’, the ‘making happy’ standing-in for copulation in Thai-English. While it could be presumed that a customer (Shreyas Talpade) is ensuring his money buy Sex from the Service (Thai actress Lena Christensen), it is the latter that mouths the aforementioned profundity. Honesty? Let’s wait some.

The very next sequence in the film reverses the roles where Shreyas Talpade’s con-man-doctor now embodies Service that prescribes Sex (Viagra) to his Customers. The Sexologist that he’s supposed to be is requested treatment to make happy their erection on old males’ Jeevan Dhara Ki Jwalamukhi. [Translation: Volcano of Reproductive Activity!]

Having been subject to repeated Jeevan Dhara Ki Jwalamukhi-baring, Shreyas Talpade’s doctor is summoned, by previous night’s hooker-by-night medical-volunteer-by-day Christensen, to save her father from dying of heart attack. The father turns out to be the same lucky soul that started the Pants-dropping-for-Viagra trend, who now is ailing from an overdrive of sexual activity. As soon as the miracle fart-cure is stumbled-upon scatologically, the father drags his sex-partner back into his room to make himself happy while Shreyas could attempt the same, if he willed, by the father’s daughter who was offering so much make happy the previous night. Honest Kukunoor realizes that he’s not even remotely equipped to traverse this Father-and-Daughter-as-messed-up-lonely-people-territory that’s adept in the hands of a Tsai-Ming Liang, or, say even, a Kim Ki-Duk or a Pen-ek Ratnaruang. Instead Kukunoor displays his disclaimer that he’s already used in his defense – that this is going to be a mindless film that would nevertheless hope to get lucky at the Box-Office.

Disclaimer(s):

This is a film that starts with the lead actor bumbling-around-stealthily, (mirroring audience’s own grappling-in-the-dark as they enter the cinema-hall) reiterating its lameness through a lazy-but-wanting-to-be-interesting-Voice-Over (VO) that speaks “Lo, Yeh Raha Main…” (Translation: Ah, This is ME!) and the “Ek Pal Ki Kamzori” (translation: a Momentary Weakness) kind of excuses for the next 2 plus hours.

A film that would employ Blockbuster-School-of-Logic as opposed to, er, LOGIC in doing anything that would propel the VO-stated purpose of the narrative – stealing the money from the Gangland Boss, surviving long-enough to spend the money, finding a Romantic accessory that would make him happy once-in-a-while.

A film that would be, uniquely & embarrassingly, shot to a pre-recorded Background Score that the actors can use as motivation with the stale script & direction.

A film that would, with its music, threaten to break into the much-irritating Aashayein, Aashayein, Aashayein that one of Kukunoor’s previous over-rated film pounded on its well-meaning audience. Needs to be reminded Aashayein, Aashayein, Aashayein is no Shigeru Umebayashi’s ‘Yumeji’s Theme’ for Wong Kar-Wai’s ‘In the Mood for Love’!

If you’re still curious about what the film’s about, here you go: a Cook (Shreyas Talpade) steals mafia (Naseeruddin Shah) money, mafia sends son (Vijay Maurya) behind the stolen money, Cook skips country as part of a medical team administering Aid to a Thai country-side (whose doctors probably are in an exchange-program in some Indian country-side), pursued by mafia-son Cook pretends Sexologist while looking for the hidden-by-himself-bagful-of-money, finds a side-kick in a Thai-speaking Sardar, falls for a Hooker with whom he struggles conversing (while both of them speak exactly complimenting amounts of the English language), unearths a conspiracy in the medical establishment that’s involved in abominable practices. Here, the film pauses to think what’s been left out, finds the answer about the Cook & the Hooker, brings them together in a confusingly-unique resolution – in a Sardar side-kick translated trilingual tri-logue the Cook agrees to respect by allowing her to continue her working girl routine. The VO (epilogue) tries to sound funny about the rest of the characters that populated the film, jumping years ahead into the narrative with kids running around parents that behaved like they were in a bad film.

Amongst the actors, Vijay Maurya (Mafia-blooded Rapper JamK) seems to be the only one enjoying his acting, inventing newer sides to himself that he would’ve surprised into submitting. Shreyas Talpade is unnecessarily spring-footed; heavier boots would ground one’s feet, & in the process correct walk-disorders, if any. Elijah Wood in ‘Sin City’ had a reason to be springy!

Honesty that’s been generously, & erroneously, attributed to Nagesh Kukunoor’s filmmaking is true only to the extent of the filmmaker’s films containing disclaimers all along the way, in all the films [The half-decent 'Teen Deewarein' disqualifies itself for its indebtedness to Jim Jarmusch’s 'Down By Law'].

I wonder how proud Nagesh Kukunoor has rendered the Thai-Embassy-in-India & their opposite number in Thailand, & the various Tourism Boards on both sides, with this anachronism-of-a-film.

 

6. Shaayon Bhattacharya (Mumbai, India)

Bombay to Bangkok: NoGas CuckooNow Bombs in Bangkok

It has been eight films and almost ten years now. He is out of “gas” and quite “cuckoo” now.

Clearly NoGas CuckooNow wants a break but his sidekicks have other aspirations.
Sidekick 1 :
Aw ! Come on Boss ! You owe it to us ! Just one more film…we’ve waited so long for a break !…And,…and it makes sense for you too ! - as they say, …make hay while the sun shines !

CuckooNow :
Aw ! Shuddup ! What I really need is to soak up the sun and romp in the hay right now !

( The sidekick brigade withdraws in disappointment, scratching their heads. Suddenly Sidekick 2 jumps up …)
Sidekick 2 :
Boss, a suggestion, …if you wanna take,
Seems to me, we both wanna break !
If we want a film and you want your fun,
Though Same Same but Different, it sure can be done !

CuckooNow : (yawning and scratching his crotch)
How ? …Get to the point.

Sidekick 2 :
For you, a Thai Massage will do the trick !
And while you’re at it, We’ll shoot a flick !
Two birds with one stone is what ‘am talking !
What say Boss ? …Aint I rocking ?

CuckooNow : ( jumps up and exults )
Aaaoow ! Holy Hooters ! Thats Brilliant !

( The rest of them join in the celebrations. CuckooNow calls up his production company …)
CuckooNow : (excited)
Hello ! Man I have this fabulous idea ! How would you like to romp in Bangkok ?

MoneyBags : (startled)
What ?

CuckooNow :
Oops ! …I mean,…shoot a film in Bangkok ?

MoneyBags :
Romp ! … Shame Shame,..

CuckooNow :
But its Different !

MoneyBags :
Sorry,…we cant put our money on this misadventure.

CuckooNow :
But,…we can cut costs ! We will stay in a resort on the outskirts, visit a massage parlour at night, boogie in a disco, … and also use all three as settings !

MoneyBags :
Hmmm…you got a screenplay ?

CuckooNow :
Aw ! Come on man ! Dont get petty ! Lets hurry ! We’ll figure out the screenplay on the way, …right now, I just want to play !

MoneyBags : (introspecting)
Hmmm,…I havent been up to it lately,…you know. You got some Viagra ?

CuckooNow : (jubilant)
Tonnes of it ! We’ll take it along !

MoneyBags : (warming up)
And we can use that in the film too ?

CuckooNow : (making it up)
Sure ! We’ll put in a bunch of doctors carrying medical supplies !

MoneyBags :
Aha ! So the hero will be a doctor ?

CuckooNow :
Not really,…(scratches his head),…Same Same,…but Different !

MoneyBags :
What ?

CuckooNow :
Trust my friend SureAss TallPaddy to cook up something ! How about,…he runs away to Bangkok with a stolen bag full of cash ?

MoneyBags :
Ok,…As long as you get the Viagra,…What about the heroine ?

CuckooNow : (presence of mind)
She will be a Thai massage parlour girl ! What else ? After all,…you gotta give back where you give in,…right ? (smirk ! smirk!) Think of all the casting sessions with Thai models ! (drool ! drool !)

MoneyBags : (drool ! drool !)
I’ll get things arranged right away !

( As he hangs up,…everybody erupts into euphoric celebration.)
CuckooNow : (turning to Sidekick 2)
Thanks man ! I’ll make you the villain ! Everybody will get a role !

Sidekick 2 : (ecstatic)
Aw ! Cant I just rap ? Ok,…you got it dude !
You got ‘ur villain ! A Gangsta from Da Hood !
But hold on, …There is just just one lil hitch !
A nigga aint no nigga if he aint got a bitch !

CuckooNow : (playing along)
Relax ! We’ll hook you up ! Just gimme a while !
After all, we’re making this entire film doggystyle !

( And so they reach Bangkok, cast a female lead, three generations of a Thai speaking Sikh family, lots of clueless locals and shoot some stuff inbetween wild parties !)
MoneyBags : (one morning,…grumpy with a hangover)
We are having fun alright ! But we have hardly shot anything ! And I still dont get the story !

CuckooNow :
Aw ! Dont worry about the footage ! I have figured out my mise-en-scene. We will shoot some Thai “cui-scene”,…then we will shoot some Indian “cui-scene”. And lets liven things up ! The lead pair sets off on a road trip ! I need a four wheel drive !

MoneyBags :
What ? …we have exhausted our budget at the massage parlour ! We cant even afford a tuk-tuk ! A rented bike is all I can offer !

CuckooNow :
Hmmm, …ok. We’ll make do. Lets up the stakes ! They meet a hitch hiker on the way who robs them off their bike and stuff !

( Excited, they shoot the scene,…but next morning MoneyBags panics !)
MoneyBags :
Are you crazy ? That bike is all we have ! How are they going to complete their road trip ?

CuckooNow :
Relax ! We’ll put in a twist ! The hitch hiker is the heroines brother,…and he becomes a monk and returns their stuff !

MoneyBags :
Ok,…but you better wrap up fast ! We are out of Viagra and money ! …In fact, I dont even have money to put in the “stolen bag” !

(And so they hurry through the rest of the schedule, …come back to Mumbai, shoot some more, borrow some music from here and there, bang their heads on the walls of the editing studio and finally come out with a sad excuse for a film,…hoping the paying public will reimburse them for their debauchery !)

They wont ! What a dose of mindless madness ! A “romantic comedy” with no romance and no comedy ! No plot, no story, no acting …nonsense ! A cook who is the son of a cranky geography teacher is up against a misplaced “gangsta from the hood” who is of immense psychiatric interest. And then a Thai prostitute who likens her profession to that of a doctor teams up with him !

The cinematography is visual dishwater, the music is immediately forgettable and the editing evidently tries to grapple with disjointed shots and scenes !

Stay back home for your regular Saas-Bahu soap or catch up on your favourite Govinda DVD for more entertaining fare !

 

6. Mohammed Rashid (London, UK)

Bring me the head of Alfredo Garcia: Headcase

Flared trousers and hair, when men used to be men, and cars, now ‘vintage’. And whores. Patchy camerawork, and slow – presumably, that’s cool!

he wore black and I wore white
he would always win the fight

The morning after a night of passion with his prostitute girlfriend, the anti-hero protagonist picks out ‘stuff’ from his nether regions before dousing that area with hard liquor, and the camera lingers.

I don’t know anything about film history nor film theory or criticism, but I suspect that Sam Peckinpah is probably considered to be an auteur in some circles, much like Russ Meyers, of Faster Pussycat and Supervixens, is an ‘auteur’. Ram Gopal Verma ki Aag!

bang bang, he shot me down
bang bang, I hit the ground

The opening idyll of an innocent looking young girl stroking her pregnant belly, shot from multiple angles, beside a lake, with ducks lazily swimming around, is soon juxtaposed with portents of doom. She is marched to the Patriarch by Mexican cowboys; this shown only from the knee down. They tear her clothes, exposing her breasts to all the gathered friends and family, and men of violent, brutal professions. Her arm is twisted, but we only hear the crack.

bang bang, that awful sound

Alfredo Garcia, she screams.

Bring me the head!

From here repugnance imbues every character, every scene, as this movie eulogises an inevitable annihilation. If there’s anything in this movie that is remotely worthwhile, we’d have to ask adolescent boys of a certain bent, or film school grads, to find it. Hey, No Smoking!

Bartender Benny (Oates) plays it again Sam, where bounty hunters come for Alfredo Garcia. Benny’s girlfriend had been sleeping with Garcia, who is already dead, but Benny gets the contract for him nevertheless. Benny and girl go towards the final resting place, but along the way a couple of bikers want to take the girl at gunpoint. She tells Benny, ‘I’ve been here before. You don’t know the way’.

bang bang, my baby shot me down.

In this desperate and brutal (and unflinchingly misogynistic) world, shit happens and keeps on happening. Despair is entrenched, and everyone’s destiny submitted to it.

As Benny desecrates Garcia’s grave, he’s knocked out. Other hunters get the head, burying Benny and girl in the shallow grave. Girl dies.

down down d-down……

Madness takes over Benny, who gets the head back and starts talking to it, gives it a drink, and lets it have a shower. His ticket out of Sin City was not worth it – he never had us fooled. Fatalism finds ultimate completion.

he didn’t even say goodbye
he didn’t take the time to lie

Stylised gunfights and all, Peckinpah doesn’t pull any punches. This is an existential elegy, unremitting in its bleakness. I can imagine this movie probably sent the likes of Tarantino into paroxysms of ecstasy.

Oates gives a brilliant performance, but a few minutes in, I didn’t want to continue to watch this film. This alcohol soaked journey, this dirge to nihilism, may be all fury and melancholia, but to what end?

mujhe maut ki gaud mein sau ne de
teri ruh mein jism dabou ne de

Frankly, Peckinpah, I couldn’t give a damn!

 

F.Y.I.

Movies for Round 4 will be announced on January 23rd by 10pm PST (Jan 24th, 1130am India)
Contestants should submit Round 4 reviews by January 27th 10pm PST
Reviews of Round 4 will be published on January 28th along with the latest rankings after Round 3.