Royal spoon feeding at its worst!!!
1 Bhajan, 1 Khoochi Koo number, 1 Enthu get-the-yelling-chorus-out number (of course there was more but I have a very limited vocabulary with respect to adjectives without resorting to expletives), all packaged into 4 hours of unimaginable torture…— the definitive Gowariker formula of moviemaking emerges.
Hell!!! It would have been much more enjoyable if Jeetu bhai and Thunder thighs did a guest appearance when the drums started rolling for the Shahenshah, at the very least I wouldn’t have this splitting headache ..
The Cool Dude and Miss World do their part rather effectively, cutting down on a large chunk of swagger and a quite a bit of histrionics to portray a director’s myopic and loose vision of a truly great era. How and why Ashutosh has stooped to create his own ‘formula’ for film is lost on me. Not that he created anything remotely great before, but Lagaan and Swades reflected a courage to tell stories differently, stories which do not resonate with present day values. However preachy and one-dimensional they were, the start was good and even great in terms of process and production.
Stuck in an industry which takes moviegoers for granted and churns out elaborate stupid charades in the name of cinema, Ashutosh effort at revving up the production values was and still is laudable. What is missing here and now, is that enthusiasm (and in part courage) at working hard at not just his craft but also his tools – a definitive sweating it out till you get it right attitude. Jodha Akbar meanders its way in a sort of dreary fatigued trance saved only for a brief period of time by some Mani Ratnamish take on the couple’s relationship (that he had to resort to a contemporary lovebird mish-mash to provide some amount of entertainment tells you how much was lost and how lame the exercise.
A distinct tardiness in saying what he wants to say and most importantly not finishing what he wants to say is pretty clear sign of a lazy soul.
The ‘jai bolo ashutosh ki’ brigade is all up and yelling at the ‘masterpeice’ and ‘classic’ he has created. Stupidity and blindness by birth I can understand. Fuck, even the accidental variety is pardonable.
But selective blindness?!!! I give up…
Shoddily done CGI scenes, boring war sequences, saas-bahu dramebaazi, distinct lack of characterization and clichés galore…
Among all these there was this wonderful premise of a Mughal Emperor getting a Rajput Princess for a bride and making political statements through it, which got royally toasted by Ashutosh’s stubbornness (or dare I say even a lack of vision), for a pristine ‘beginning’ and ‘end’ to a royal saga.
Pained me…
in the truest sense of the word!!!
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^ truth
ok..ok..i give up!
so u didnt like anything about the film ?? or was it just a bad day and then those four hours made it worst…the duration killed it ??
Perhaps you should go for movies like ‘Welcome’. They would make you ‘feel good’; in truest sense of the words
The best review of the movie that I have read over here… The pain that u as a viewer feel on watching a mediocre movie being appreciated around u is truly reflected here..
And that pain isnt a singular entity. It is the pain of having had to sit thru a mediocre movie combined with the pain of having had to watch it being lauded so highly. And that pain can be disturbing…
But sometimes that pain can also be a bit releiving. Cos when u realize that on a relative level your cinematic sensibility supercedes that of others around u, U do feel like u r ready for the medium in a more personal way…
Its a pain thats excrutiating and soothing at the same time…
I understand the thought that has gone into every word that made this review, cos I understand that pain..
@Phoenix…
i was kind to lagaan once. cuz i saw it in a context where mediocrity was thriving…
gave it to ashutosh that he tried to put some soul int othe same level of mediocrity.. somewhat trying salvaging it…
for that alone… same with swades… i gave him the benefit of the doubt there when the same pattern was evidently used repetitively..
both times he did remarkably well to detail out his story…
this time around though.. he was ‘royally’ trying to gain membership into ‘lets make the junta chuthiya’ - club…
plus this was a very very pathetic effort at story telling… and u can blame only ashutosh here.
u might remember i what i said in the den after seeing most of the songs.. i was truly getting pissed at his ‘formula’ so to speak…
but the watching the movie DID it for me…
i have nothing against the duration..
and i truly believe if we had to pick and choose the good stuff from a stinking pile of shit, theres something wrong with us as well
plus blame sudhir.. anurag … navdeep …
theres better stuff to choose from nowadays..
sriram etc etc..
@abhishek…
i do try man…
the initial promos of welcome had me laughin out loud…..
then came the rest… i am deeply indebted to the guy who put the rest of promos out… saved me lotta downloadbytes..
@sreehari..
u got me wrong there bro…
the pain was only after watching the movie…
the ‘vaanolam pukazhthal’ i dont give a shit about…
i can laugh it off ….
btw ur 2 weeks is up!!!!!!! whats happening with gopi?
@sreehari..
forgot to add.. this aint a review…
i dont do reviews.. (at least havent done it yet)
‘angst’ is more like it.. in true blogging shtyle
DPac,….Great Stuff !
Couldnt agree more,… Would like to add a lot more,….but have run out of patience and energy with current Bollywood trends.
Also,…am sure AG wouldnt have made Lagan with the backbone of a soccer premise,…think about that,…
You guys have given examples of what is not a masterpiece, so can you give recent (Indian) examples of what is a masterpiece and in what context are you classifying those films as masterpiece.
I have liked both Lagaan and Swades, in fact, the latter is one of my favorite film. Both films are good examples of excellent commercial film. In recent year.. Are there any better commercial films than those two examples?
Swades worked for me because and only because of the trip Mohan Bhargava undertakes to recover the ‘debt’. If Ashutosh had made just a 2 hour movie with just that sequence spruced up and detailed, it would have been really a “Master Piece”. Somehow there is a “length” fixation to AG, the sooner he gets rid of this better it is for him and the poor bums stuck to the seats of bug ridden theatres.
swadesh works for me, because mohan bhargav touches the feet of kaveri amma. this is the moment where film touches the boundary of literature. just this moment makes swades heads and shoulders above than rest of the cinema.
now, when you look at it, there is nothing outstanding in the scene.
but that’s its beauty. for example try to think of any other such scene.
just finished
brother
by takeshi kitano
you should see it, if you think that quantin tarantino is alone. and talking about screen presence. poker faced takeshi kitano is for more intresting than whole sequence of gun slinging.
:*
@playback..
do add more mate…
@HG…
we are not even talking about masterpieces here. it is very loosely used word these days, something u use (i am generalising here) when u suddenly find urself blown away by a movie and searching for words..
and u can call crap crap without going on about ‘what is not crap’..
that will be some other day some other movie
@VP and vishrant..
u can find more pointers to why swades worked for different people (in different ways too). thats what salvages a film somewhat..
and u guys missed the biggie… King Khan trying hard not to overact!!! it worked big time for me
I only used the word because you mentioned in your article……. I was just curious what you guys think as a masterpiece it… then I can ridicule you guys
u will have to wait a bit longer for that HG..
to RIDICULE me that is eheheh
DPac: that bad, is it?
@subrat..
it certainly is not what ‘they’ are making it out to be…
Ashutosh made one for the masses - Lagaan, then he made one from the heart but it engaged only the classes - Swades. This attempt to hybridize the masses with the classes fails to do either. I would have loved a nice history lesson from him, I would even take a purely fictional love story. Par yeh kya Ghoda chatur Ghoda chatur - ek pe rehta naa, ya ghoda bolta ya chatur bolta.
@xtreme
[...] Dpac, Passion for Cinema Rating: Thumbs down …Shoddily done CGI scenes, boring war sequences, saas-bahu dramebaazi, distinct lack of characterization and clichés galore…… See full review [...]
@nxtreme
I love ya for saying Ghoda chatura ghoda chatura - some of my favouritest words in Hindi cinema everrrr!
And DPac - I have written a mirror review of yours on my blog - in many words, pardon the length :d
But I feel you when you speak of ‘them’ - why is this nation turning out to be one where you can buy reviews? And what is all this nonsense about Ashutosh Gowariker laughing all the way to the bank? Hullo?? Wait for sometime before calling JA a hit - if anything, it’s because of the curiosity factor and the obscene amount people pay at multiplexes to watch it.
And I also am with you on SRK in Swades - that is his only genuine performance so far. For once in his life, he was an actor.
The mingling of history with romance turned the history into a story and the romance was most tepid. Even penny dreadfuls do a better job of showing romance. That song sequence “in lamhon ke daman mein” was almost the most awkward romantic interlude I have seen on celluloid. Was Papa Bachchan watching from the other side of the curtain?
You do not need strange puppy dog muzzlings at the neck to show romance. See the mood set by Mani, Rahman, Manisha-SRK in Ae Ajnabi - it gets your guts in a knot.
@sumantics..
i dont know whether it is as much as buying out reviewers or simple plain arse licking..
the terrifying thought is that they consider themselves great reviewers..
SRK had his moments in Devdas too..
SRK sucks at emoting and sad scenes - he’s a hamster of the first order. He’s great at comedy and Swades, and recently Chak De, showed that he can portray an average man excellently without having to resort to hamstrionics.
Devdas:-?? Nah, don’t think so - that is another SLB movie that I didn’t think much of. Madhuri and to an extent, Jackie, salvaged the movie a bit, but it was again a grandiose dream that would have been better left a dream.
Chak de had oodles of obscene bakwaas from him…
not of the vocal variety but still…
devdas was a hamfest anyway.. u can go overboard every possible scene.. but he held himself up is what i meant…
jab bhi director stick leke khada hota hai uske peeche tho banda dhang se kaam kar sakta hai…
madhuri alright..Jackie??!!!!gaaaawd!!!!! he literally slept walked thru the movie
originally the role of Jackie was offered to govinda …govinda bhai sahab refused it ….
thats news..!!
how i wish govinda would try to do what he is capable of sometime sooon…
i still remember him in Awaargi.. (i think that was the movie with Anil Kapoor and him)
i always think govinda as a talent underused by bollywood …may be he him self dug a hole and was never able to get out of it ….
“devdas was a hamfest anyway.. u can go overboard every possible scene.. but he held himself up is what i meant
its just that he plays the ‘over the top’ hungover act in pretty much all of his films the last few years
@ Anand: Yeah, it’s called the David Dhawan hole
@ DPac: I remember that song “Baali umar ne mera haal woh kiya” from Awaargi. Lovely song.
And Jackie’s little jig in Chalak Chalak was better than SRK’s extreme hamming in the movie anyday. And yes, there are some moments in Chak De that were flinch-worthy too.
It’s like this - if the scene is emotionally intense, SRK should have some self-made code of restraint. Which was evident in Swades. But then, with directors like SLB and KJo, I don’t think it’s possible for SRK to exercise restraint. Oh well.
The thing is, he comes across as smart and witty in all interviews - so why is it that he plays to the crowd in these KJo and SLB snoozefests? If you were to rank his worst performances in descending order, KJo’s and SLB’s movies would be at the top of the list!
i cant recall songs and all..
but i remember walking away thinking ‘this guy can act.. why the fukk is he ruining it all with the rest of his fuckups’…
i wouldnt leave ‘restraint’ control with SRK man, just dont trust him enough with that kind of control!! eheheh
@ Idiom: Jackie is the last of the charming men in Bollywood - his terrible wigs and bad role choices post Ram Lakhan notwithstanding :”>
And he’s at his best when he’s portraying “love ‘em but never hurt ‘em” kind of roles :w;
So essentially, I agree with you :d
Oh DPac…right you are!
There were like a million spoofs within the wraps of the film. That’s what crossed my mind the most. Don’t reckon I watched the whole thing in peace, or let anyone else around me do the same. We even came out singing ‘Dil mein mere hai Dard-e-Disco..’
Following GreatBong’s review, I kept imagining Amitabh Bacchhan to pop up during the love scenes, “Ai kidhar haath daalta hai, hain?” Did Sonu Sood bribe himself into the role? Old King should stop playing Old King..its pitiable now. And jewellery…yes, I know Tanishq bought off the film, but dude, why make kings look like they just lost a fancy dress competition?
Ila Arun gave a surprisingly decent performance. Hrithik, reduce the make-up there a little kid, and make sure you’re evenly made-up next time you come on screen. Aishwarya Rai man…give up, go away, open schools, water Jalsa gardens, do anything else but act! Such a headache really (Shehenshah ji???!). And who’s the man in the cloth undies (Sharifuddin, Nikitin Dheer?)? That was obnoxious!
And hey! Fame Adlabs’ mouse-climbing-down-the-wall stint didn’t help at all.
@aheli…
u sure went into the nitty-gritties!!:)
but not letting others see the whole thing in peace, thats something i dont endorse
@Sumantics
Whether or not Jackie is among the most ‘charming’ men in the industry is the least of my concerns,his portrayal was perfectly in sync with Bhansali’s vision.A performer IMHO cannot be judged according to a rulebook that you might have set for judging performances,the quality(or lack of it) of his portrayal is solely dictated by the director’s vision.
Whether or not he has been going over the top in everything he has done since,is also of no significance to *that* performance.
Finally a review that just reflects my feelings about that shitty movie!!!!
And I really wonder what everyone is going on about Hritik and his noble performance…WTF??? He is still in character as Mr.”A”..as he was in that other crapfest Dhoom2…I feel your pain man….I was there too 
I have yet to see Jackie act. Yes he does come across as a very decent human being, the kind you’d invite to dinner and he would happily serve drinks. Devdas belonged to Madhuri and Shahrukh and I think of it as a grand operatic (almost Wagnerian) take on Sarat babu’s story. Some sandwiches REQUIRE ham and SRK did represented the finest variety in this film.
I had forgotten Shahenshahji - I laughed every time I heard that. Reminded me of the pint size Haryanvi girl Komal Chautala saying “Sirji”. After the sword fight I almost expected them to break into Crazy kiya re!
@nxtreme
Im assuming you haven’t seen “Gardish” , “Kaash” , “Parinda” , “Antar Mahal” and “Rangeela” when you make a statement that Jackie can’t act.
@nxtreme
add eklavya to the list in comment 38 as well….
I contemplated watching this movie. I didn’t even need to check movie details to know this would last as long as a test match.
Instead I watched two other movies (Juno and Orphanage) for the price of one (the ol’ sneakeroo), and had enough time to catch drinks at a bar before going out salsa dancing.
At salsa, the people I was with introduced me to a girl that was a splitting image of Aishwarya, but with shorter hair.
I found out that her father was Afghani and mother German. I waxed eloquent about the close ties between Afghanistan and India, and she mentioned Bollywood. Then she said, people think she looks like Ms.Rai. I asked, “Really? I don’t see it.”
As the night progressed I told her that they were right. She looked more like Aishwarya Rai, than Aishwarya herself. She looked like the Ash from the early days. She blushed.
The Aish we see now is not a person. She has been replaced with a robot made from NASA engineered plastic and some very sophisticated programming. Ashutosh G discovered her during his research for Swades.
See all the good things that can happen to you when you don’t waste your time watching Jodhaa Akbar?
@rextreme(37)
“Devdas belonged to Madhuri and Shahrukh”
I disagree.Devdas belonged to Bhansali.Infact,I dont remember a Hindi film in recent times where a director so resoundedly stole the show.In cahoot with Binod Pradhan and Nitin Desai’s genius Bhansali put across his conceits in a remarkably unapologetic fashion and striking attention to detail 8-| .The pitch of the film,gave it its continuity(this is where another Sarat Chandra adaptation,Parineeta stuttered bigtime as Pradeep Sarkar could never choose the appropriate tone,as the film tried to simultaneously achieve Bhansali’s opulence and Bimal Roy’s delineation and simplicity…Not even a mesmerizing Vidya Balan:x could save it for me)
The striking contrast between Paro,what with the comparison to the moon and Chadramukhi,compared to the Sun(perhaps these were metaphors highlighting what these women brought to Devdas’ life),the Nom ta dhere naam motif,the striking sets all bore a testimony to *his* vision.If only he had done so in Black and Saawariya :((
@Dabba(40)-LOL!!
:d:d
The Aish we see now is not a person. She has been replaced with a robot made from NASA engineered plastic and some very sophisticated programming. Ashutosh G discovered her during his research for Swades.
LOL….=))=))
@dabba..
maaan u live an amazingly glorious life….
@xtreme
‘After the sword fight I almost expected them to break into Crazy kiya re!’ eheheh
Dabba
I’m looking for Salsa classes. Been thinking for almost 6 months. But will start next week no matter what. Any advise what to look for & what kinda classes are best? BTW I already have a partner. hence not looking to hook up. Its purely to learn Salsa followed by Tango.
dabba
dont u think its unfair to comment on someones performance without actually watching it.
i do agree with the review of the film by dpac but aish is a revelation in this movie.infact she performs more convincingly than hrithik who looks good in patches.
@38 and 39 - sadly yes I have seen those. Who exactly did Jackie steal the show from in Eklavya?
@41 - claustrophobic: Yes Bhansali made a grand operatic gesture that was filled out by some excellent grand operatic performances by Madhuri, Shahrukh and to a smaller extent by Aishwarya. In Aish’s case perhaps looking good was enough, but Madhuri and SRK did their jobs well to fill out the large opulent space that Bhansali created. In comparison Parineeta was a failure for me.
Aish clenching her toes in the suhaag raat in JA was exactly like Aish clutching the sheets in that initial interaction between the adult Devdas and Paro. And if looking good can be equated with good acting then she did a fine job. I think Devdas and JA were casting coups as there was a requirement for a very beautiful woman who did not really need to act. She fit that slot well.
Devdas devdaas devdaas!!! when will it end…
2 more takes coming up..
one sounds aBSOLutely kickass..(at least the 5 minute intro part i was fortunate enough to hear)
the second comes from the director who has given us the best Hindi language film of the decade…
hope at least one royally ripps up ‘the image of devdas’ as we have seen it till now
and NO!! the fact that both of these director reside to the left of this screen has no bearing on my comment
Dpac…
Can you let us know the 5 min into part …..
@Anand,
why hear it from me? u will in all probability hear it right from the horse’s mouth..
if i try to recount i will mess it up anyway
The divide on Jodhaa Akbar prompted a second viewing from me but now I feel (The inertia of script intractibility notwithstanding) the thousand extras and cumbersome equipment quite handsomely defeated Gowariker.He follows the route of the average historical–way above average length scenes,to allow for the ‘epic feel’ to kick in,multiple reaction shots allowing us to genuflect at the millions spent on royal costumes,solemn dialogues of sentimental banality trying to extend each plot point(dealt with so poorly) to ‘epic’ length,a frigid love story flattened by inexorable history,camp villainy(although one might argue that the Saifuddin fellow makes for a genuine menace–incest,neurotic,a keep fit fellow–but the political machination is so flat that it becomes hard for us to even take him seriously).The way the camera so,conspicously repeats its movements is redolent of how mediocre this product is.
@ Mainak -
See if you can find one that has salsa and samba. It can get grating to listen to Mexican polka music (salsa music they use in these clubs/lessons) all night. If you’re looking to learn, don’t go to a place where the really good people dance. It won’t be good for self esteem.
The only thing you need to know about salsa - Never look the person in the eye, and look as serious as possible. It will automatically look sesky.
@ DPac -
No glory yet.
And the award for longest sentence in PFC goes to…..
Claustrophobic @ 50
@ 45 shree -
It may be unfair but it’s true. I don’t need to watch Aish to know how terrible she is. Her “acting” during the sword sequence with Akbar that I saw in the preview was enough.
I want to start a petition to cancel Ms.Rai’s Indian citizenship. Perhaps Thackeray’s goons can do us some service for a change. No one believes she is Indian anyway.
She makes Paris Hilton look like Meryl Streep.
dabba
u just seem to be perenially biased against her.
i dont want to say anything more.
hope someone who has seen the movie and whom u trust changes ur opinion.
@ shree -
help me out. where does her performance as Jodhaa lie in comparison to Hum Dil, Guru, Raincoat, and Iruvar.
Is jodhaa some sort of warrior princess? from what i have seen of her in dhoom, and other movies, she does not have good hand-eye coordination, and is terrible in action scenes. she can dance like a dream though.
I agree with Dabba ….she is totlly plastic made……she even acts in interviews ….even in photographs she looks plastic….she is mediocrity overhyped at it’s best…
dabba
i hav not watched iruvar.among the other 3 i remember only guru.i thought it was her best after kandukondein.in JA i think she has given her careers best.i hated her in dhoom.
regarding sword fighting scene even i had my doubts but its really come out well.
@c idiom (50)
u went through the whole thing again?!!!!!
why? to see if u can salvage something??
man tussi great ho!!!
@dabba,
its funny what some heavy machinery can do to graceful limbs…
this is a first! a dancer who cant fight!!
@shree (57)
there you go… u went and buried her with that.
whatever dabba sez, shes got the ‘it’, but she aint shown ‘it’ yet.
Iruvar, Hum Dil, Choker Bali (in that order) all provide glimpeses though
Dpac
the only thing i want to put forward is if there is anyone to blame for all the wrongs in JA its ashutosh not aish and u seem to hav agreed with me on this in ur review.
dabba
if u want further proof regarding my point do read khalid mohammed’s review of the movie at hindustantimes.
Aishwarya may not be brilliant, but she certainly has done a good job to say the least in Jodhaa Akbar- I also thought she was good in Raincoat and Guru. Must give her the most versatile actress award really, she surprises us in these films and then puts the likes of Celina Jaitley to shame with her Dhoom 2 type acts- “Are you like, checking me out?” Aaargh!!
The swordfight scene, in my opinion looked horribly banal in the promos, but wasn’t half bad on screen- in fact, it did stir up a decent amount of heat.
Howlarious Jodhaa Akbar review here- http://jaiarjun.blogspot.com/2008/02/jodhaa-akbar-notes-and-unreliable.html
And the REAL reason behind the protests-
http://sayesha.blogspot.com/2008/02/kingly-affair.html
:))=))
Jahan Bakshi
that was hilarious.
thanks for the link.
probably i would hav enjoyed watching the movie if i had read this b4.
“Chal Bachchan saab ko phone laga aur bol kaam ho gaya.”
LMAO! But Bachchan Sahab was there all along watching over Ashu’s shoulders.
@59,
]
of course the fault of the film is forever on the directors shoulders, but i wasn’t praising Aish here. I just said both Aish and Hritik toned down their histrionics ‘effectively’. That doesn’t make for good acting forget great.
She has always been an actor with promise. [her miss world/lakme miss india speeches case in point
She is still stuck where she began - Iruvar. Her debut was remarkable in terms of ease and poise. Alas, i didnt know that was all there is!!
@jahan (62)
Jabberwock streamlined it a bit more somewhere else, at B Rangans site i think- his term ‘pectoral peacock’ eheheh
@64-rxtreme: Quite true:
Kehne ko Hrithik ka sehraa hai,
Par sets pe Bachchans ka pehraa hai…
It’s mighty ironical and hilarious that our three ‘glories’ in wax at Madame Tussad’s have become and are rapidly progressing towards completing the job of turning into living wax models themselves (they’ll leave no cosmetic stone unturned to not add even days to their ages…they desire nothing but to remain like their wax toy statues…to entertain the next generation too…and the next…)…( our filmy shahenshah, beauty queen and ex-lover).
Its just like when nature imitates art, rather than the other way round.
…and filmy Badshah…wonder how I could have forgotten him!
May God PRESERVE them by keeping away all HEAT.