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iView Author:
Hans Blix
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Seagull Mission — A Boring Story

Seagull Mission — A Boring Story

Once upon a time, on the shores of a WhiteWavesWorld, there lived an old impotent black seagull named drake (with an obviously small d).

It was alone (and therefore in bad company), embittered, irritating, obnoxious and unfortunately clueless of all this.

drake was quite good though at screeching expletives in his croaky jarring voice. So it found an admirer (himself) and made a few friends (his friends are just that, his friends).

Tired of singing dumb ditties to his spinster self, drake grew impatient and started to reach out. He flew to a near by private beach, where existed a carefully cultured garden (spread across hundreds of acres) called peace for community gardens, blessed with larks, cuckoos, peacocks, butterflies, and a lot of other beautiful things.

Looking at the beach, the garden and the stellar crowds, drake got excited!

For the first time in his life, he got a chance of getting some audience!

drake sneaked in, and the caretakers of the garden, though they understood drake’s culture (or the lack of it), let it be.

drake started showing his true color (in case you forgot, it’s black), started gatecrashing every party and insisted that the partying folks listen to his vulgar vocals.

Super-brat, a skylark, took this annoyance in his usual frolic stride and had some polite fun teaching drake about life in general.

drake, as you know, is a vowely adjectification of his grimy grammatic self - alone, embittered, irritating, obnoxious and unfortunately clueless.

So he declared, not unlike dick and dubya, that he’s won the war and he’s invincible and can therefore do many more battles.

Super-brat, knowing full well that drake has entered the battle of wits unarmed, left him unharmed.

And that was mistake number one!

drake, by then, has perfected a plan, a modus operandi later became known as the Seagull Mission.

The mission statement is as follows: fly in; make noise; poke the beak/nose in everything; crap on everyone in the sight; fly away soon after and call yourself the stud.

It’s project plan was simple too.
1. drake, with his small d, flies in. (1 minute)
2. check out all the happening parties on the floor. (10 minutes)
3. identify which party has most glamorous people. (20 minutes)
4. in the party, identify the female birds, beautiful birds, and intelligent birds - in that order. (40 minutes)
5. start hitting on females, bitching on beautifuls, and pissing on intelli-gents. (45 minutes)
6. when the going gets tough, start making a whole lot of noise. (60 minutes)
7. before the snipers take position, fly to DMZ. (12 hours)

The caretakers and a few distinguished members of the peace for community gardens took notice, for the first time.

But, decided to be patient with the impotent irritant, just the way they treat every other bird, they gave the sorry sob the benefit of doubt and let it fly around.

That was mistake number two!!

But then drake, having successfully(??) survived two suicide missions, intoxicated with his stinky shitey self, was oblivious of the machinations he set in motion.

It targeted kingfisher’s festive get together this time. Kingfisher, fondly known as Rhythm for his sane and sober sonnets on various forms of artistic expression, not unlike Super-brat, is another respected member of the garden community family.

drake started his raky tune, irritated Rhythm King, taunted him for not singing croakily enough, insisted that do-re-mi is the only musical language and sa-ni-dha-pa is not musical enough.

Enters a swan named Bilx. Bilx is a silent bird, it doesn’t like to sing too often. But Bilx loved the harmony in the garden and couldn’t tolerate this seagull harming it, slowly but surely.

He had two options.
1. perform a slow, menacing, coordinated strike.
2. deliver a swift, brutal, chaotic kill.

The garden has started to get stinky, thanks (not) to drake’s verbal diarrhea and creative constipation. Time was the essence. So Bilx chose option 2, invited drake (and its small d) to the Fearless party for a faceoff.

drake started singing his usual ditty, but this time, with disastrous results because Bilx could speak seagull as horribly as drake.

drake, getting scared and undermined, started crapping all over the place. Then, when it ran out of the crap, it sent a mayday to the caretakers of the garden.

They came to its rescue. But swan Bilx was feeling suicidal. He noticed that drake was still making fun of Rhythm King’s songs, in spite of knowing that it’s making a fool of its own dumb self. Bilx entered the battlefield and everything got over in the next few minutes.

Bilx sodomized drake in public.
drake, probably for the first time in its life, cried for its mother.
The caretakers evicted both Bilx and drake from the garden.
Bilx went home happy.
Garden members felt safe.

Impotent drake flew back to his own cold cobwebbed corner and started writing memoirs (spiced up with figments of its infertile imagination) of its honeymoon at the peace for community gardens!

Surgically, the end!