The Haves & Have-not of Hindi Film Industry
I tend to do this for all the blogs I write. The topic title is something I think through lots to get it that typical eye ball grabbing and clicking need.
Ok. This title is good but it’s not a write-up on Communism or a political diatribe it’s rather a topic I am facing on a daily basis and need to speak about.
Why am I writing today and where the F*@k was I for the past few months. I have shifted to Mumbai several months back. This is to carry on the dream of doing something in the world of celluloid and try to tell my tale.
This has also given me a chance to meet several of the PFCian and now count some of them as good friends. I also got to meet Oz and you can buy me a drink if you need to know his name or what he is.
The only problem was that due to all this changes in my life, I stopped writing on PFC and was kicked out. I have been let in now with an oath to write monthly once else will be kicked out again 
So this write-up and Well before I digress further, let’s get on kids to what I was trying to say in today’s post.
Have-not as defined in a dictionary is thus
Have-not definition
have•-not (hav′n'¤t′) noun
A person or nation with little wealth or poor resources.
Well you will certainly know the difference of the Haves and that’s simply the opposite of the have-not. So why this if am talking about celluloid
Now, the definition of have-not in the Hindi film industry is a little different and needs to be tweaked.
have-not definition
have•-not (hav′n'¤t′) noun
A person who has just entered the film industry as a rank outsider and has no connection with any living, dead, animate, inanimate object or person involved in the Industry. In addition, a person who can piss off a Have by his hair, looks, style, talk (less or more), where he comes from etc. Also a person who has a boring or a lousy not known last name
This definition will provide you the understanding of the Haves also. So the Haves in the film industry are a pool of people who are remotely involved in the film industry or have connections or at least a fancy or well known last name.
I have a very south Indian last name “Venkateshan” and well there was never any famous Venkateshan in celluloid before. So mere lage gayi on point one. :-)
Now we have these 2 pools of people called the Haves & Have-nots. Since we have got this in place, let’s dwell on how they work or interact. The interaction points could be any of the below listed
1. Barista / CCD / a Pub yada yada
2. Workshop / Conference / Seminar
3. Movie hall / Prithvi theater / NCPA yada yada
4. On the roads / set / Film City
5. Toilets / lobby of 5 star hotels
These are some of the places I have as part of the have-not community gotten a chance to meet the Haves. Since PFC has most probably the highest number of have-nots there will be countless other places that can be added to this list. Please understand that I have not stalked these places but encountered the haves in these places.
Since the meeting point is out of the way, let’s now move towards the modes of reaching out to the haves. This is again a situation based and case-by-case basis interaction. You could start with a small smile and a nod. You will need to at some point walk towards the Have. This is a critical part of the interaction. You will at all times need to maintain a great demeanor. Now don’t fucking ask me what that is as I really do not know what it is. This is like personality in a beauty contest. No one knows what the fuck that is either. Once you have reached the ~have~, there is a critical point of tension. You should be reaching out but not like a fan as that might result in you getting an autograph when you were looking for time to pitch/pimp yourself. So get your opening line ready. This could be “Hi, My name is
If the burn factor happens in, smile as if you knew them and walk away. Get back to your own table and seethe. At no cost, wait back at the table as from burn you might move to inferno where the ~Have~ will simply walk away and you will be standing there like a fool.
Now there are these so called great places where the supposedly ~Haves~ get down from mount Olympus and decided to mingle with the plebeians or the ~have-nots~. This could be in the guise of a seminar/conference/workshop.
POINT OF IMPORTANCE TO NOTE: Have-Nots, please check if these events are paid ones as you might have to sell your room-mate’s kidney or part of his/her liver to get to the event.
Now when you get to this event you will see a lot of ~haves~ and about 6 or 10 times of haves will be the have-nots. If you are still under confusion who is a have and who is a have-not, just do this simple check. The have-not is usually the group that seems to be hunting individually for haves but end up working like a pack of wolves as all have-nots tend to follow one have. Quite foolish but attribute it to mob mentality. :-)
The have are basically smaller groups of ~haves~ who seem to be going in packs to escape from the have-nots. Another thing will be the cell phone. The haves will be the one speaking on it and the guys hanging on at the periphery of them will be the have-nots getting into the burn zone.
Another easy way to find is to get a comparison to Firangs travelling to India and disembarking at the International airport (post watching Slumdog). They are amazed, scared and nervous wrecks when they see the beggars or the poor of India. They at once are drawn to the other firang travelers. Forget the fact that one of them could be a raving loon but they will still be drawn to each other for protection and support from the poor (have-nots).
This is completely applicable to the Haves of the industry. They are drawn to the other haves forget the fact that they might have had a spat as per pick one (Filmfare, Stardust, Cine Blitz, TOI) as for them the bigger scarier enemy is the Have-not at this point of time.
So in a conference you will typically see the haves roaming around in small groups and the clinching factor of finding out who is a have-not is to see who is saving whose number. You get it. The have will never ever take your number, if you are a have-not.
Well this is stage one of the relationship. It’s shaky and scary like every other relationship. Now let’s just for theory sake say that the have finally somehow bestows his number/email id to the have-not. Well there could be multiple reasons for that. The have could be reminded of his dog, a small rat, a old friend, his driver et al when he sees the have-not and hence given his/her contact details to the have-not
The have-not (usually if he/she is like me will get extremely excited, save it on the phone/book) and after going home will decide to move the relationship to phase 2, which is actual personal one-on-one contact.
I would like to bring a point to note here and that is all have phones and mail ids might look like yours meaning they might be using a nokia, blackberry or iPhone for cellular. They might be using Gmail, yahoo, Microsoft exchange or any of the other mail utilities but there is one critical difference. The haves contact tools have great filters installed that can smell a have and pass it on such that no mail will ever get replied or no phone call will ever be picked up. If by chance if the Have picks it up, then you have no chance to rejoice as the have will promptly say he/she is busy and to contact in a week/fortnight/month/year. Note it’s never the same day or week. It’s always much later. The idea is to weaken the have-not and make him/her forget.
Lets for theory sake again say that the have-not somehow gets some good support from the have and moves to the next stage of actual work/meeting. This is a totally great stage where you are this teenage boy once again who does not know where the girl he is dating is going to kiss him ever. So you end up working all hours of the day for the have and being everything from a bouncing board to wash board for the have.
The have-not perseveres at this stage and a classic example of this would be the kid in karate kid, who has to learn all that to impress Miyagi or Uma Thurman in Kill Bill 2 with her teacher. You cannot simply give it up. You need to be this energy ball which can do anything and everything.
Well if you ever get to do all this and this could go on for years, you might finally get some work and credit finally. If this translates to real hit/appreciation then et voila you are slowly moving into the Haves. You can now go to that secret lab in that twilight zone between Bandra & Andheri where you can get those filters on your phone and mail id. You are there buddy. Now is the time to attend some conferences and burn some have-nots. Always remember to give your number (you know you are safe and filtered) and always remember to say that there is a great shortage of talent and you are still looking for the great Indian script. Nod wisely, talk to the other haves on the panel and as it’s ending reach out for your trusted cell phone. As a have, you do not also have to worry about having a public life. You can go anywhere as you are again protected from them by having the burn factor and the filter.
I am sort of gone off on a tangent here but if any Have is reading this and has read this far, this is an earnest request to please treat us have-nots also like humans.
We might have a mad gleam in our eyes and since we either have long hair or bald might look like the next serial killer but the mad gleam is just the energy high we get meeting a have from the industry of our passion and you all most probably had it also before you became haves (provided you were not a born have with a fancy last name)
So the next time you meet a have-not throw them a bone. Give them a real number/mail id that you really use and listen or talk to them. They might actually have an idea or thought that sounds interesting or they might just be a clever person. At least you will get to meet someone else.
I am not sure how many ~Haves~ really visit PFC but I just wanted to talk about this state of inequality and also raise a clarion call to the have-nots
Dude, hang in there. You do not need to bite, kill, maim or just poke another have-not in the eye if you meet her/him anywhere. They are just like you. You can buy them or ask them to buy you a coffee and believe you me, they will have story to tell you and you them.
Have-nots fear not, you have nothing to lose but the chains of bad names, no connections, bad hair, and yada yada. Once you lose them you will end up becoming a have.
So have-nots of the world unite!!!!! & fight to become a have. Lets not overthrow them. Then there is nothing left for us to do. Rather lets try to become a have
This is my rant for today and comment on fellow have-nots and maybe a few haves :-)
Cheers & Good Night
Thermoman formerly know as Deepak Venkateshan
Anurag Kashyap
Abhay Deol
Dibakar Banerjee
Hansal Mehta
Khalid Mohamed
Kundan Shah
Anish Kuruvilla
Jaideep Verma
Manish Gupta
Navdeep Singh
Bhavani Iyer
D. Santosh
Onir
Ashvin Kumar
Ramu Ramanathan
Sudhir Mishra
Pankaj Advani
Revathy
Saurabh Shukla
Shilpa Shukla
Sujoy Ghosh
Suparn Verma
Santosh Sivan
Shashank Ghosh
Shivajee
Pavan Kaul
Partho Sen-Gupta
Prroshant Naryannan
Sam Langoria
Satish Kasetty
Dude, a great post….describing the sad/difficult scenario in a funny way…kudos 2 u…
Nice write up
Deepak..I mean, Thermoman. (Incidentally, does your name change have anything to do with your observation that “Deepak Venkateshan is perhaps not the glitziest “have” type name? LOL)
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A nice read, light hearted yet insightful. And, unfortunately, all too true… I’m sure this is going to be just the first “been there and been burned by a have” in a long list.
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Mind you, also been around Have’s and have had the chance to talk shop with them, and most of the time they’re genuinely passionate about films. I find they the best approach is to show them rather clearly that you’re not just some awestruck fan but someone who’s serious about film making and have something good and interesting worth discussing. Then they will give you respect and talk to you more openly and professionally.
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Well, I believe this is part of growing up. But when the phase is over, please don’t become a have not. Beware, you might as well want to consider yourself one — but resist the temptation. Be the human being which you think you’re today. Well, the big break is difficult in any field. But I don’t want to complain. Yes, this frustration is a reality. But there will be even more reasons when you’re in the haves’ territory.
I’d try to find my ways through the maze than criticize the people who are already at the end. And throughout my journey, I’d like to leave the trail of my path. If I become a success, people will take the route. If not, I’ll save many from choosing the ‘wrong’ way.
You’re a Thermoman now, go BURN THEM!:arrow:
Fuckin awesome post. wud have done me more good had i seen it before i went for the ISC 08. Fantastic observation. Loved the post every bit.
cool post…..sad to be reassured about this truth too…..and IMHO some of these ‘haves’ could use some good ‘have-nots’ to resurrect or sharpen their careers.
Slightly long but still an interesting read.I think you’ve managed to make the whole thing sound humorous enough.I’m sure you’ll be soon able to bridge the gap between the haves & the have-nots !!!