The President is Coming : Anatomy of a Scene
iView Author: Anuvab Pal (Mumbai, India)
Anuvab is the co-writer Loins of Punjab Presents and writer of the upcoming movie The President Is Coming, releasing on Nov 28th
Email: Anuvab.pal [at] gmail [dot] com
SCENE 43.
EXT. THE AMBANI SCHOOL IN BANDRA – DAY
It is the last day of shooting for the English comedy, The President Is Coming. The scene involves a handshake. The primary need is for a hand. A hand that might suggest the hand of George W Bush. Suggestions of the Ambani School or Bandra/Kulra (where shooting ensues) are frantically covered up to suggest a US Consulate. These include a huge cardboard cut-out that reads, “The US Consulate Welcomes George Herbert Walker Bush”. A confused trivia based discussion (heated) is ongoing between the director Kunaal Roy Kapur and production designer Ayaz over whether Herbert Walker is indeed W or his father. No resolution is reached. The Director of Photography has a huge philosophical disagreement with the kinds of Mercedes cars that we have for Bush’s entourage. He is of the belief that there are gradations of Mercedes and these are shit ones. Bush would have nice ones. Ours look like crap. Ergo, we have a crap Bush. No one will believe Bush comes in that car; we might as well have him arrive in a Maruti Swift. The screenwriter Anuvab Pal wastes time in dangling conversation with a Belgian hippie playing a secret service extra. He notices that the prop of the ear-piece common to CIA folk is actually a Phillips phone cord cut in half and this secret service man looks less like security and more like a land line. He discovers that the hippie’s name is Elmaux and he has done a lot of acid the night before and has decided to “check out Bollywood in the morning”. Elmaux, being an artist inquires casually, “What the fuck is this movie?” About the same time, another Dutch extra is about to exit with his suitcase for Holland leaving the extras coordinator to shout and chase him screaming “Eh Boss, Boss, please don’t go, where are you going?”, while destroying what would have been a set of oil lamps for Bush to light. At the exit, a large piece of cloth bearing a bald eagle insignia is draped over a gate that previously had a Sanskrit inscription about doing homework. In parallel, a large American flag is planted in a flower pot thereby destroying any credibility to a real consular environment. Kunaal, Keshav, Anuvab and others gather for urgent discussion.
KUNAAL
I need a hand of a white man, an old white man.
EXTRAS CASTING WOMAN
We have Baman.
KUNAAL
Who the fuck is Baman?
ANUVAB
He’s a guy. He has a hand.
KUNAAL
Baman Irani?
KESHAV
What?
KUNAAL
Why the hell would Boman Irani give us his hand?
KESHAV
He is a movie star.
EXTRAS CASTING WOMAN
This Baman is just someone.
KESHAV
Some guy. An extra.
EXTRAS CASTING WOMAN
He lives in Kandivli. His son is on MTV Roadies.
KUNAAL
How does that help me?
EXTRAS CASTING WOMAN
I’m just saying.
ANUVAB
No ya. His son is on Janmat. He does the weather. I’ve seen him.
KUNAAL
Why can’t we get a white hand? Of all these (white) people?
EXTRAS CASTING WOMAN
But Baman’s hand is good. He’s used his hand in many movies.
ANUVAB
Have you seen Parvarish? Baman’s hand pulls out a baby from a grand piano.
KESHAV
I need to watch that.
KUNAAL
So Baman is Bush?
EXTRAS CASTING WOMAN
No no, we have a Bush. He’s just Baman
ANUVAB
Bush’s hand.
KESHAV
Yes.
KUNAAL
And who’s that guy, why is he dressed like a Gorilla?
ANUVAB
He’s dressed like a black cat commando. He is going to walk in front of the sign that says Welcome Bush. We’ll get a shot of him, you know, patrolling. Like a real black cat.
KUNAAL
He’s wearing jeans.
ANUVAB
So?
KUNAAL
Which black cat wears jeans?
KESHAV
We’ll shoot him waist up. Or Close Up. He’ll look pretty menacing with a machine gun
KUNAAL
We have a machine gun?
PROPS GUY
No we have pistols.
KUNAAL
Which black cat has a pistol? What the hell is this? A duel?
ANUVAB
They wear those black bandanas. Y level security people have it, like the ones around Amar Singh. They have these bandanas that look like condoms. Condom…Ha ha ha…
(No one else laughs)
KUNAAL
What the hell is going on here? And why is he casually strolling like an evening walk when he should be high security? Is he a real a black cat?
KESHAV
No. He’s my driver. Subodh.
KUNAAL
You’re all idiots. (Walks off.)
EXTRAS CASTING WOMAN
What does he think? We can get real black cats?
KESHAV
How ya. They are guarding people.
ANUVAB
Do you think Subodh can get me a samosa?
Tags: The President is ComingPresident is coming releases in Indian Metros on November 28th
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funny
Funny!!! Thanks for sharing this Anuvab! Loved Loins of Punjab and shall remember this post when I see the President is Coming!!
Wishing you the best!
Saw “The President Is Coming” and now wish I could view it again, keeping in mind this funny bit of “behind the scenes dialogue”… How about including this comedy routine – it is that and more! – as part of the DVD extras?? Seriously funny. BTW, LOPP was sooo good, I’ve watched it five times… yet…