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 So, Himesh Reshammiya’s eerily (and numerologically) titled debut acting vehicle Aap Kaa Surroor: The Moviee-The Real Luv Story finally released yesterday- and he, along with director Prashant Chaddha and most importantly- producer Vijay Taneja must be anxiously hoping for the moviee’s success, with umpteen crores of rupees riding precariously on the infamous nose of the composer-turned-singer-turned-actor. After all, Himeshbhai even hilariously turned up in a burqa at the Ajmer Sharif to pray for the film, much to my endless amusement- it wasn’t exactly a pretty sight, you see.  In fact, Himeshbhai even requested the Deols to kindly shift the release of their family drama Apne, to make space for his own release. They refused, and Himeshbhai had to contend only by saying graciously that he has scored the music for Apne- toh woh bhi apni hi film hai. So this Friday, HR (as he is called in the film) will clash with two other big films- namely Apne and The Bhatt camp’s costliest film to date, the Emraan Hashmi starrer Awaarapan. And tough as it is to predict the final outcome, I had an uncanny feeling that the Deols and Bhatts may have to swallow some bitter humble pie- and it seems to be happening, after all.  

I hate to admit it, but I want to watch AKS- though strictly for corny, unintentional comic entertainment value. But no, I dare not commit such a sin, such a sacrilegious act- after all, I love to hate Himeshbhai. He has always been one of my favorite targets of ridicule in my articles and conversation. If I buy a ticket for his film, I would probably not be able to look at myself in the mirror- at least until I watch a respectable, well made film again.  Actually, come to think of it, I ought to buy a ticket just for the sheer entertainment and vicarious pleasure Himeshbhai has been providing me for so long now- with his music videos, the laugh-out-loud promos (there is a shot in which he holds a gun against a firang, and closes his eyes blissfully to the Gayatri Mantra as the heroine walks by him) even his antics on Sa Re Ga Ma Challenge (Sh**! Okay, okay- I watch it sometimes, and you know the reason why) where he heads the outrageously named ‘Rock’ gharana. Well, he is India’s ‘rock star’, you see.

But no, no, no…I simply cannot spend my precious time and money to watch such utter crap. I hate Himesh Reshammiya. I simply cannot stand him- his smugness, his cap, his voice…everything about him. I fiercely detest him and his mass production of mediocre, crowd pleasing music with poor production values and no class whatsoever, even as I  find my self humming- er, actually, howling his tunes relentlessly in the shower everyday.  Shit, shit, shit…this is getting too much for me, man! How else can I obtain the sadistic satisfaction of laughing out loud as Himeshbhai struts about in T-shirts with plunging necklines, simultaneously embodying James Bond as well as Casanova, playing HR the Rockstar, mouthing priceless lines and serenading chubby 15 year old Amul girl Hansikaa Motwani? Where else can I hear dialogues like, “Main HR ke alaawa lisi se shaadi nahi karoongi!”? How else can I watch Mallika a.k.a Ruby James trying to seduce Himesh, irresistibly attracted to him? How else…fuck, I just can’t stop wondering what further antics the movie would contain!

No Jahan…you’re going crazy- how can you do this against your principles…how can you support such blasphemy, such crazy indulgence by a man who can’t have enough of himself? Are you a bloody rickshaw walla? Haven’t you had enough with Jhalak Dikhla Jaa blaring loudly at baarats, making you pull your hair out while you were trying to study in your room? Haven’t you vowed to support brave, good cinema and wage a life long war with the Rakesh Roshans, HRs, Kunal Kohlis, etc. of this world? How can you be such a hypocrite, you ass! You got class! Oh, this is too much for me. Himeshbhai, you win. I will watch Aap Kaa Surroor: The Moviee- The Real Luv Story. Only to mock you, to laugh at you, to watch you make a fool out of yourself. But I do know very well, that the real joke is on me. I am the real fool, as I contribute my fifty cents to your film’s success.  

Assalaam Valekum. PS- Sorry for the crazily stupid post, had to vent it out!

PPS- F*** you, Prashant Chadha!