Warning: (A) Rated Post
Good boy that I am, I finished my first draft for Sankalan two days before zero hour, only to be informed that the deadline’s been extended by two weeks. So to celebrate I’ve again decided to write a self-indulgent rant; even I’m not sure what shape this article will ultimately take.
People who have been kind enough to follow my audition ki kahaniyan, I’d just like to point out that since I last reported, I’ve done two more ads, taking the tally to four. I haven’t seen a single one yet, since we don’t watch TV at home. I did an ad for LG Music Systems, in which I was one of the guys playing guitar in the background. I think that one showed sometime during the ICL, but I dunno. The latest I acted in was for Big Bazaar’s special inaam-jeeto or something offer till the 31st of this month. A couple of my friends and family have seen it; I’ve been too lazy to go the production house and get a copy. In case anyone watches, I’m the crazy dancing son in the chinky family that’s won an AC while shopping at Big Bazaar.
Over the last two days, I’ve been putting together a story so dark and bleak that it fulfills one of Hitchcock’s adages: “Always make the audience as uncomfortable as possible.” Never mind the audience, my own brain has been slightly shaken at the story as I see it.
So for some comic relief, here are the titles of some films that actually exist:
Chudailon Ka Honeymoon
Kunwara Paying Guest
Kaamwali
Night Lover
Deti Rahoongi…Duwayein
Chetna – The Excitement
Tezaab- The Acid of Love
Pati Fauj Mein, Patni Mauj Mein
Free Entry
Mere Do Anmol Ratan
Tamboo Mein Bamboo
Bombay Ki Raatein
High Society
Someday when I have enough clout, I’ll make a really, really good D-grade movie which will be so horrendous that people will be laughing throughout. I’ll take really bad actors and actresses, or maybe I’ll take really good actors and actresses who can act like they’re acting real bad – now that’s freaking tough. I know who my co-writer’s gonna be – she’s a specialist in D-grade and Z-grade movies – watching them, mind you, not writing them. Here are some possible titles for that movie
Bathroom Deewar Mein Chhed
X-Ray Chashmein – The Seeing
Jawani Ki Jwalamukhi – The Volcano
Do Chickoo Ek Kela Do Santare – The Fruit Salad
Girlfriend – The Girlfriend
MMS – Maalpur Mein Scandal
Girls Hostel Ka Jawan Guard
Ghar Par Service – The Delivery Boy
Fifth Floor Se Nazaare
Narmi Aur Garmi
Kis Mein Kitna Hai Dum – The Timing
Bistar Ke Neeche Chhupa Hua Paraya Mard
Chiffon Sari Baarish Jaari
(I hope this doesn’t make the reading public think I’m a pervert. I just have a hyperactive imagination. I’m a bit like Uday Chopra’s character in Dhoom. Within about 10 minutes of meeting a girl I really like, I start a mental fast forward in my brain of how it would be to be in a relationship with her. Usually it ends the same way too – the boyfriend/husband shows up.)
Recently Watched Films
The Darjeeling Limited: 7/10
Dostana: 7/10. Fun to watch but doesn’t do anything for the gay community. Only propagates the same stereotype through Boman Irani’s character. And Bobby Deol’s being so naively led up the garden path by John-Abhishek in the second half is too unbelievable
Munich: 9/10. I watched it the day before 26/11.
The Prestige: 9/10. Third viewing. Love it even more now. Nolans ki jai!
Oye Lucky Lucky Oye: 9/10. What more can I add? I’ll be watching it a third time this week.
Big Nothing: 10/10. A perfect independent, low-budget movie. Black comedy where anything can, and does go wrong. Stars David Schwimmer and my favourite writer-actor Simon Pegg (Shaun of the Dead, Hot Fuzz)
Fearless: 9/10. Jet Li’s magnum opus. Oh what a story! The best story in any martial arts movie I’ve seen! And what an ending! And what makes it even more special is that it’s a true story! (Based on a real-life martial arts champion of China 100 years ago.) Funny thing is I liked the story more than the fights – I usually dislike wirework. I prefer Jackie Chan’s and Tony Jaa’s fight choreography.
The Royal Tenenbaums: 8/10.
King Kong: 10/10. 4th viewing. One of my all-time favs.
Dil Kabaddi: 7/10. Irrfan’s watchable, as always. I’m really curious as to how Payal Rohatgi is in real life, off-screen. She’s the female equivalent of Mithunda in B-grade films. I haven’t seen Big Boss.
Before the Devil Knows You’re Dead: 9/10. Perfect example of a gripping drama. I wouldn’t dare watch it again, though, except to learn a few things about writing and acting.
Burn After Reading: 8/10. The movie isn’t really about anything in particular, but it’s fun to watch just for Brad Pitt, George Clooney and Francis MacDormand making buffoons of themselves and having a blast while at it.
Gone Baby Gone: 10/10. Ben Affleck’s directorial debut. Fantastic. Very inspiring. Not the content, but the fact that it’s such a good first movie.
Rab Ne Bana Di Jodi: 4/10. The 4 points is actually for the first 40% of the movie which I really enjoyed. I even liked the Raj character. Unfortunately, all the dialoguebaazi and the impossible-to-believe convenient situations just ruined it for me. The kids in the hall were all wanting to leave and half the people were yawning when they came out. Satisfied smiles were few. A friend termed the movie Rab Ne Paka Di Khopdi.
Death Wish: 7/10. Antidote to RNBDJ.
Tags: A-rated films, Acting, ads, film titles, Writing
Anurag Kashyap
Abhay Deol
Dibakar Banerjee
Hansal Mehta
Khalid Mohamed
Kundan Shah
Anish Kuruvilla
Jaideep Verma
Manish Gupta
Navdeep Singh
Bhavani Iyer
D. Santosh
Onir
Ashvin Kumar
Ramu Ramanathan
Sudhir Mishra
Pankaj Advani
Revathy
Saurabh Shukla
Shilpa Shukla
Sujoy Ghosh
Suparn Verma
Santosh Sivan
Shashank Ghosh
Shivajee
Pavan Kaul
Partho Sen-Gupta
Prroshant Naryannan
Sam Langoria
Satish Kasetty
Hey nice post..i did see that bib bazzar ad..nto careful thouh..i am gonna squint my eye to spot you out..serious.
“Chiffon Sari Barsaat Jari”….Yeh mangta hai boss!!amazing name..lol
Think that ad has been split in to various parts…
Only u could with a corny-cum(??)-funny title “Do Chickoo Ek Kela Do Santare – The Fruit Salad”.. eagerly waiting for it :D
Sourav, I’ll see if I can drag my lazy ass one of these days and get the ad. Yeah, I’m not the only segment in the ad. There’re 4 or 5
@Sudhir, Abbe the title itself will probably get banned by the Censor board – the guardians of “healthy entertainment”
Kenny,
I can’t wait to watch ‘The fruit Salad’ and I suggest that you name it’s sequel ‘The Russian Salad’(the description open to your discretion)!.
My good lord the worst thing that could’ve happened after the deteriorating Indo-pak relations is RAB NE BANA DI JODI. What a slap on all of our faces! Did she not look at Suri Sahab properly to see that he was Raj! and I have tons of problems with SRK’s graph of his character, even if a simpleton tries to act out his alternate ego, it’s not going to be THAT different overnight. Take a lesson from Amol Palekar in Golmaal, he spoke pretty much similarly and had similar reactions even while acting out as the other guy. Did Suri go to Actor Prepares to learn how to be so diametrically different all of a sudden?
Please let’s not forget that our dearest ADI(yes the whole industry’s bestest friend ADI and other being KJO with a side dish called Hiro Johar as a mummy to all) actually made MOHABBATIEN. Srk in that film was the only one who could see a dead Ashwariya, heck she even attended all festivals like holi and danced with him on lonely nites-all in spirit! Delusional!!!
Just go back to making dhoom 10 and then spoof them in ur flicks too.Give me a Rajat Kapoor produced,acted or directed flick any day .Don’t get me wrong, I loved Om Shanti Om and am a sucker for commercial stuff too but not this one. A story as linear as that should be rejected. And what was up with those hot pants main madonna dance teachers??? All in Amritsar?? I stayed next to the Khar Gurudwara in Mumbai and it was like living in Punjab. Had to cover myself adequately with a dupatta if I wanted to go to the general store at nite!!..seriously. Blame Shiamak Davar for all this over glamourization. I want my Saroj Khan back, dhak dhak dhak …choli ke peeche kya hai…still believable ….Lol.
Agar picture ke title ko “bleep” karna ho, toh kaise karenge? ….. ;)
Some more titles –
Pisaab karne Gaya to Lund Gayab
Dhoti ka Back Pocket
I loved deti rahoongi..duwayein…LMFAO…also, chiffon sari baarish zaari…
from my side –
Haseena ki gaand me paseena!
keep up the z flavor!
Ah Maria, so nice of you to drop by and vent and rant. You are so right when you say it ain’t gonna be that simple to create an alter ego. Jo bhi hai, it’s too unbelievable someone wouldn’t recognize her husband.
@Nirad, Tanul
Guys, thanks, but let’s keep it A-rated, not X-rated. Double meaning is the intention, not explicit body parts, or else I’m gonna get a kick in the pants from the PFC bosses
hey are you serious about those Z+ movies:) lol… writing the script would be so hilarous.. have you already found an actor for those movies??? let me know if you have someone in mind! But not such a bad idea… you`ll have lotsa audiences.. starting from autowallas and i`ll be there as well for the premiers… lol…
De Du AA
Maang Meri Doodh
Choom
Awesome post….
Few gems of kinky titles that you missed out on
Jungle Mein Hoi Hoi
Dracula Ki Dulhan
Murde Ki Maut
I guess someday i would like to make a really bad Cgrade movie (if there are any scientific classification at all)
Amarjit, thanks for droppin’ by.
Indraneelda, I hope bou-didi doesn’t see this comment of yours ha ha
@Jassim
Jungle Mein Hoi Hoi – now that’s a good one. Murde Ki Maut ha ha ha ha
Kenny here’s my contribution-
1. Chudail bani rakhail
2. Meri choli chori ho gayi
3. Kambal ke andar- zara sambhal
4. Chumban- the deadly kiss
5. Dabao- magar pyar se
Good ones
Ratings of movies! complete blunder! Dil Kabaddi = 7/10????? A TRANSLATION of HUSBANDS & WIVES!! What were you thinking??
Yeah I know it’s a translation of Husbands and Wives which I haven’t seen yet. But I could completely see how it was a total Woody Allen film, and in place of Rahul Bose, I was constantly seeing Woody Allen. If I’d seen Husbands and Wives previously I might not have been so kind with my rating
@ Kenny: Dada Kondke has already achieved, and sucessfully at that, what you have set out to do. Some samples from DK:
Andheri Raat Mein, Diya Tere Haath Mein (hindi)
Lagnala Free Zhawa (marathi)
Lehangyat Baburao Ubhe (marathi)
One suggested title from my side: BoseDK.. The Name
Yessir, I’ve been hearing about Dada Kondke for a long time but never got around to watching his flicks yet. Quite curious
I’m so gonna DIGG this.
hey ken, i just love the movie titles and have the same opinion about the movie ratings.I actually went for a night out to catch RNBDJ with my ladies. yeah! i regret it! i cud have stayed home and wathced the soappy sitcoms on TV instead.
Dil Kabbadi: what were they thinking,wait! were they even thinking? i came out of the theatre with a serious migraine, cuz irrfan n soha kept fighting at such a high pitch. Atrocious!!!!
Thanks for the link in your Barah Aana review
Deti Rahoongi…Duwayein is awesome. Heard about Tamboo mein Bamboo earlier. Was about to mention Dada Kondke, then read all the comments.
On your creativity- Chiffon Sari Baarish Jaari promises romance and mystery (Jug Mundhra types)so is the fruit salad.
If I may suggest ‘ Jhanda tumhara, danda hamara’ can be a good C grade political drama.
Refreshing post!
Cheers!
~uh~
Nice to see this post here…
Used like those B & C Grade movies in high school…that was the only source of sex education…:P…
I happened to see free entry last year…pretty hopeless…Kanti Shah has used up all his shock value with Munnibai & Gunda…